Let's Go to Hell
by James Raio
Summary: A Novella about an 18 year old's descent into Hell.  In it, he becomes a close friend of Satan who goes by Loki and embarks on many adventures, everything from meeting Socrates to going to college.  A mustread for those who like discussing religion.


153

Title: Let's Go to Hell

Author: James Raio

Table of Contents:

Part I

Chapter I: New Jersey Fucking State…………………………………………………………………………..2

Chapter II: Booze and Screwz…………………………………………………………………………………..3

Chapter III: School's Out Forever!...11

Chapter IV: And Justice For All………………………………………………………………………………..13

Chapter V: Let's Go To Hell……………………………………………………………………………………18

Part II

Chapter I: Loki's Lackeys………………………………………………………………………………………23

Chapter II: Loki and Me………………………………………………………………………………………...25

Chapter III: Hell-Cafeteria………………………………………………………………………………………31

Chapter IV: Friends Like These……………………………………………………………………………….36

Chapter V: Happy Hellodays…………………………………………………………………………………..43

Chapter VI: Revenge Never Tasted So Sweet………………………………………………………………47

Chapter VII: You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Chapter Is About You…………………………..50

Chapter VIII: Loki's Annual Meeting…………………………………………………………………………..51

Chapter IX: Runnin' with the Devil…………………………………………………………………………….57

Chapter X: Sexy as Hell………………………………………………………………………………………..59

Chapter XI: Heaven Rooms……………………………………………………………………………………61

Chapter XII: Fun As Hell………………………………………………………………………………………..68

Chapter XIII: Loki Has It In for Me…………………………………………………………………………….72

Chapter XIV: Friends4Ever…………………………………………………………………………………….76

Part III

Chapter I: College Life…………………………………………………………………………………………80

Chapter II: Communes are Just Another Ism……………………………………………………………….93

Chapter III: Strange Highways………………………………………………………………………………...97

Chapter IV: The Wise and the Young……………...………………………………………………………...99

Chapter V: All Things Must Pass……………………………………………………………………………107

Chapter VI: Let's Go to Heaven……………………………………………………………………………..111

Chapter VII: Wake Up Kid!...115

Chapter I: New Fucking Jersey State

I want to warn all of you of what you may be subject to. I have been to Hell and back and I know for a fact how one gets there, what it is like--everything that may motivate you to change your ways. Yes, it's real. Sounds crazy, but it's real. Hell is not an allegory—it is not how we would think Hell would be. Hell's organization would be humorous if the subject was not so serious.

I don't want to give you my life story, because it serves no purpose. Let me let you know how I got to Hell, who I went with, and what happened to us. Through God's grace I was able to return, though the rest of us died and were consigned to our places. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It was senior year, I just got accepted into Jersey State, and finally I was able to take the rest of the school year easy. The rest of my friends have already been accepted to the colleges of their choice.

I remember skidding into my driveway in my 99 Chevy Malibu, slamming on the brakes, and running to the mailbox. Nothing in it. I then go up the rest of the driveway, run inside, and notice all the letters were on the kitchen counter, and bam, right on top, a thick envelope from Jersey State. I opened it, and found out I made it in. I immediately called up Simon, because I knew the gang was getting together at his house.

And it is easy to see why. Ever since I became friends with Simon in third grade, he was always "the coolest." He sat in the back seat in the bus with the fifth graders. In middle school, he had a girlfriend in sixth grade, banged two girls in seventh, held a kegger in eighth, had an eleventh grade girlfriend in ninth, was an alcoholic by tenth. You get the point—he was the sort of guy we all want to be. He was not a jock or anything. For whatever reason, I get the feeling you would think he's a jock. This isn't some high school movie. In fact, he hates all sports. Much more of a music guy. He did lift some weights, but most of us do anyway. Why wouldn't you be friends with a guy like Simon? Now, back to our conversation:

Me: Yo, Simon, I finally got my fucking acceptance letter.

Simon: About fucking time. When the fuck are you fucking coming over?

Me: After fucking dinner, see you at 8:00.

Simon: Later my nucka!

That night I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents. I told them I was accepted into Jersey State. My mom was excited—my dad…not so much.

Dad: Why are you going to college if you do not know what you want to do?

Me: I'll find out when I'm there.

Dad: Why don't you get a job, take some time off from school, and think about what you want to do for a living instead of making the decision in between drinking and classes that have nothing to do with the real world.

Mom: Thomas…

Dad: No, I am serious. Do you know how hard we worked in order to own this house, afford our cars—your car? I did not go to college right away. I worked, I figured things out. You are too young to understand the importance of planning out your future and hard work. What you should really do—

Me: Dad, I'm 18. I know a thing or two about the world. I know what I don't want to be. I don't want to work 60 hours a week so I can own an average house, in an average town. I don't want an average life. I don't want to be you.

On this note I left the dinner table and went to Simon's house, finding the rest of the gang there. There was Paul, my best friend since middle school. He was always a pretty good student and he was the pot dealer of the bunch. Ryan was there too. We made fun of him for being the closet fag of the group, because he always banged fat guyish looking babes. Solomon, the Jew and A-student of the gang, was getting the bong ready. We just called him "Saul."

Paul: What's taking so fucking long Saul?

Saul: Wait a couple fucking seconds you fucking douchebag.

Me: Douchebag is a gender specific term for women. Women are douchebags and men are scumbags.

Simon: Then what's a scumbag?

Ryan: Let's not have an existential conversation now before we smoke.

Some time later…

Simon: I actually did some of the reading for English…

Saul: You got accepted to NYU 2 months ago. Why the hell did you do _any_ homework?

Simon: No man, I wanted to read what that fucking German dude had to say. He said "God is dead," and you know what? He's right. Where's God now? God is only real if we believe he exists. There's no proof he exists, it's all crap.

Paul: Religion is all about control man. Before countries existed, there was religion. It kept the masses in control so they would'nt overthrow the priest kings or some shit. They did not want the people to question authority and live their life the way they choose.

Ryan: I believe in Go—

Me: That's only because you went to Catholic school instead of middle [school with us.

Saul: I admit, I used to believe in that stuff more, but now I really don't know. I'm more of an agnostic, but I think the Jewish tradition stuff is important.

Simon: Guess who I once fucked…

And this is how most of our after-school conversations went whenever we talked about religion, which we mostly did not.

Chapter II: Booze and Screwz

On Friday night, Simon got us in on a party at Mancuso's house. Mancuso is the epitome of high school life. He dates all the girls, plays on all the sports teams, and best of all his parents are never home. He has brothers and sisters or something, but they seem to never be home when the party is on. Or at least I hope not. Anyway, while we were pre-gaming…

Simon: Okay guys, Mancuso holding a kegger tonight at 10.

Me: When should we show up?

Simon: Not too late, not too early, not like last time!

Ryan: I got laid last time.

Saul: You got laid last time 'cause you're a chubby chaser!

Ryan: Fuck you!

Simon: Hey hey, Ryan—Ryan, I'll say this for the last time—the last time! Stay light on the liquor dude, you can handle a few beers, but you get fuckin' pissed when you're drunk. Don't start already!

Ryan: Alright, alright man.

Simon: Just don't get in Michael's [Mancuso face, you know he fucking hates your guts. Lay low, get laid, get out.

Ryan: Yeah, yeah, I'm not that fucking stupid or anything.

Paul: You know, I can't take any more of this cheap shit alcohol. If I drink one more Jello-shot or can of Coors Light I'll fuckin' vomit. I need a ride to the liquor store.

Me: Sure man, but will we be too late?

Paul: It's 9 fucking o'clock, we'll have plenty of time!

Simon, Ryan, and Saul would go to the party together as Paul and I would go get some booze. We went to the liquor store near the Mobil station, because Scotty behind the counter usually takes our fake ID.

Scotty: No man, not tonight. The boss is in the back, I can't take this again!

Me: We are customers here, cut us a break.

Scotty: No, no! I know I am going to be caught one day, the only person who gets caught quicker than a guy like me accepting high school boy's fake IDs is a black guy flying past the speed limit.

Paul: Shit, if we were hot freshmen you'd be ringing up our Sch-mirnoff Ice drinks faster than the French surrendered to the Nazis!

Scotty: Well, you're not hot 15 year old girls.

Me: God damn it! Son of a bitch! (Slamming fists on the counter)

Boss: (Screaming from the back) Hey Scotty, anyone come in?

Scotty: Yeah two customers, their IDs are legit. (Then he whispers) West fucking Virginia, (rolls his eyes) just buy this shit and get the hell out of here.

Paul thanked Scotty, gave him two twenties without asking for change and we left the store. We then started driving towards Mancuso's house with the booze. I looked in his brown bag, because I had no idea what he bought. I was too mesmerized by that giant Vodka bottle in the store to notice.

Me: COG-nac? Hennessey? What sort of faggy-ass shit is this?

Paul: It gets you drunk.

Me: So does cheap beer.

Paul: Fitty Cent drinks this shit! At least I can drink something good while you all drink that watered down crap. Real men drink hard liquor straight and don't mix it!

Me: I don't know man, whenever I throw back Jack [Daniel's I need some Coke to go with it.

Paul: Pussy… Holy fuck, there's the old KFC! You can drink more on a full-stomach.

Me: Nice! I haven't ate here since you got your learner's permit. We have plenty of time!

We arrived at Mancuso's house at around 11:00, late but at a good time to get in on the action. The rest of the guys were already at the party. When I entered, one of my friends opened the door. Well, not really one of my friends. He's one of Mancuso's friends, but he always likes talking to me for some reason. You know, one of those guys who like you a lot more than you like him. I did not hate him so I always gave him some of my time.

Mancuso's Friend: Hey James [that's me!, thought you were going to puss out! How the hell are you?

Me: Good man, I was just pre-gaming with Paul.

Mancuso's Friend: Oh shit, hey Paul, getting started already? (Looks back towards me) What were you putting down? Sch-mirnoff will get you hammered fast.

Me: You know, uh, three pieces of chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, a biscuit, 32 ounces of Pepsi.

Mancuso's Friend: That's good eatin' man, all I had was that EZ-Mac shit. Now, let me get you liquid bread man!

The party already started and I met up with Saul in the basement. We played Beer-Pong against two hot girls. It was too early in the party to make a move but it was a great time to make an impression. In comes Mancuso with a beer-stein, probably his dad's. In fact, he is the only one of us who can get away with not using a red plastic cup.

Mancuso: Okay boys and girls, let's get started! You all already know how to play Beer-Pong, you get a ball in your cup you chug the beer. If you lose, you drink the rest of the beers? Capisce?

Saul: Yeah, everything but "Guh-beesh," let's go you can't win!

Girl: You just got a ball in your cup.

Saul: I guess it's time to start drinking Jim ha ha! Woooooo!

The more people drink, the more my name becomes Jim. We were pretty much getting destroyed in the game, but the girls were having a good time. All of the sudden "Cum On Feel The Noize" starts blaring on one of the speakers in the basement. Mancuso started rocking out to it, which was weird because this song was easily twenty years older than everything else we listen to.

Me: This song FUCKING sucks.

Mancuso: You fuckin' suck, you just got beat by a bunch of girls! (To Saul) Hey, dude, you did most of the drinking for you two, are you ready for another round?

Saul: You know it!

Mancuso: Are you ready girls? Now it's your turn to get hammered!

I started wandering around in the basement and went back upstairs. People were talking and enjoying the song while I saw some people attempt to do the "devil horns." I was having a great time, but when I saw Kathy I put my head down. I am sure she would not to see me again after what we did. It was normal, but it never feels right afterwards. I caught up with Ryan as he was flirting with another girl who was below average as usual. He decided get up and get more drinks so we can talk.

Me: Ryan, how the fuck are ya?

Ryan: Good, good, you know where the Jello shots are? Ha ha.

Me: I have no idea…Why are you fucking girls like that?

Ryan: Come on Jim, she's fucking hot. Not everyone has to be skinny, I mean, look at her—

Me: You are not a bad looking guy, just raise your standards, you'll get laid less but it'll feel much better.

Ryan: Jim, do you know what the whole point of this is?

Me: What? To have fun, get drunk, possibly get a head-shot off Mancuso in Halo, get laid?

Ryan: To get your balls off.

Me: Get your balls off… That does not mean fucking fat girls!

Ryan: It's all pussy Jim, what's the difference? You seem to be pacing yourself too much, c'mon, have a few beers and see where the party takes you.

Me: Yeah, I'll do that. Let's find out.

I noticed the "motel" was not open for business yet as it is too early. Girls think it's slutty to get boned before midnight, so they prefer to wait when the clock strikes at least 1. I was not near any of my friends, so I headed back down to the basement to "catch up." I went down there and noticed there wasn't even a keg. They must've been using pitchers to fill the beer-pong cups. As I was contemplating this important matter in my slightly buzzed state, Mancuso noticed me as Saul and him were trouncing the girls in beer pong. He asked me what I was doing downstairs; I told him I was catching up.

Mancuso: Then what are you doing down here, get up there! (points)

So I went back upstairs and hit the Beer-Bong with a couple of guys and a girl from the party. Jeff (he's just a guy I knew from English class) was holding the funnel and had plenty of cans of beer. A guy was already chugging...

Everyone: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! (Beer overflows from a guys mouth) Woooooo!!!

Jeff: Ohhh! You light weight!

Guy: I was drowning in beer!

Other Guy: That's the way I want to go! Heh!

Me: Shit guys, I'm sober, give me the tube. (I looked towards the girl)

Girl: Time to start catching up. (She looked towards me)

Jeff: Okay, c'mon everyone!

I literally chugged the whole funnel and some. People were smiling all around me.

Me: (Gasp) Shit that felt fucking good!

Jeff: You want another shot at it man?

Me: Not yet man, but I'll help out, just give me a can.

Jeff: Ha ha nice! I have some important advice for you.

Me: Yeah yeah, don't over do it. You need to know when it's your last beer.

Jeff: No no no! Remember—there's no such thing as a last beer!

I laughed. Afterwards, more people hit the funnel, but I finally had enough after one more shot at it. I said I was heading to the kitchen to get Jello shots and the girl I was eyeing made up some excuse to follow me. Even though you run into so many girls at a party, it is imperative that you take advantage of a true opportunity whenever it presents itself. People were dancing in the living room and dining room while others chilled out in the kitchen drinking some brew and raiding Mancuso's fridge. Hoping to get her onto the dance (living room) floor, I decided to walk with the Jello shots to the I-Pod dock. We started with small talk. We discussed school, joked around, but I figured the best way to make my move was to talk about something universally regarded as deep: music.

Me: Hey, what type of music do you listen to?

Girl: Rock.

Me: Rock? What type? Most people listen to crap now!

Girl: You know, alternative, some of the hard stuff. I can't stand the crap on Z-100, or on every radio station.

Me: See, that's why I download everything. The record companies fucking steal from us. I mean, when I buy a CD, most of the songs on it suck.

Simon turned the I-Pod off and powered on to the CD player.

Simon: I am commandeering the CD player, I'm getting this shit started!

Only Simon and a few of Mancuso's closest friends could ever tamper with the music.

Me: Sure man.

Girl: You know him?

Me: Yeah, that's Simon, I knew him since third grade.

The girl waved politely, and almost excitedly towards him. She must have heard about or known him. Simon put in a mix-CD into the CD player and put on his own music. He then walked up to us.

Simon: My advice: ask her, her name. (He nudged me and said it out loud) Oh fuck, it's Fall Out Boy! This song gets me PUMPED!

Simon pumped his fists in excitement and screamed. Jess and I looked at each other again.

Me: Shit this sucks.

Girl: It's not bad.

Me: I guess it's not bad. Anyway, (mocking Simon) "What's her name?"

Girl: Ha ha, Jess.

Me: Jess? I'm James. I was so thoughtful to ask you first!

After the awful Fall Out Boy song, Nirvana's "Pennyroyal Tea" came on.

Me: God, this is so old school.

Jess: It's a great song.

Me: I know! But, this song reminds me how much life sucks sometimes.

I was not slurring yet, but after several beers you start to get a little loose.

Jess: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I have fun everyday, but we still gotta go to school, listen to our parents…sometimes. I feel sometimes that my friends don't even understand me. I am tired of this overly average town with all the tight-asses around here. There's not enough to do around here, we always have people telling us what to do—we can't make up our own minds. In college everyone does what they want. You know, I just got accepted into Jersey State!

Jess: Really? That's great! I was accepted to the University of Florida. I know I will have the best time of my life there. Everyone always tells me college is the most fun you'll ever have.

Me: Yes, exactly. You make the rules, you do what you want, you see where life takes you.

Jess: I can't wait too. Sometimes I feel like school, this town, everything, it's just all stale, you know?

Me: Stale, it's definitely stale.

When we talked about college we knew that we were having fun now, but nothing could compare to college. We knew that we could go to class whenever we wanted and finally control our own lives. The thought made us giddy, and it was sufficient enough as an ice-breaker so that it wouldn't be wird for us to start getting a little more "familiar."

After some time passed and beers were chugged (or sipped at this point), it was past 12:30. Mancuso emerged from the basement with both of the girls from the Beer Pong game. I wondered what happened to Saul at the time, but I didn't care. Mancuso got his buddy to give him a new CD; he put in the rap music. I hate rap, rap music sucks, but rap music means people get laid. The party stopped then started again as the girls started to grind the guys. I was one of those guys as I finally got the balls to pull her into the crowd. This would not be one of those random grinds. Maybe I would get to do something with my boner.

The music gave me an excuse to stop talking to her and to start feeling her up. Even now, the thought of rubbing my hands down those legs (she was wearing shorts, it was unseasonably warm that night), feeling her breasts in my hands, sneaking some first base action..it gives me too much of a thrill. As the beat [of the song pumped, she thrust hard into me—I knew I was getting laid.

After some songs, Simon got two girls to kiss. A WOOOOOO was yowled all around. At this moment Mancuso declared, "Pot smokers and the rest of you who need a room. We have absinthe and "Paul Pot" [no one got his joke. The 'motel' is open for business!"

It was 1:00 and that meant that people could go upstairs. The "motel" was only open to his inner circle of friends, people willing to pay to smoke, and some couples. I jumped the gun, and tried to take advantage of my current opportunity.

Me: Jess, I can get us up there if we leave now. Have you ever tried absinthe?

Jess: No, what's that?

Me: I'm not too sure. It's like pot-alcohol.

Mancuso wasted no time bringing the two girls from the beer bong table to his parent's bedroom. Paul was getting the weed ready and the friend of Mancuso who likes me so much (yet I couldn't remember his name and it was too embarrassing to ever ask) was pulling out the absinthe.

Me: Hey, can we get some swigs of that. Jess here has never had any.

Fuck! I was stalling and not getting her into a room. Mancuso's friend got the rebound and passed the ball back to me.

Mancuso's Friend: Uh, no James. Listen here. We have a lot of people here who, uh, want this. Let me fill half a cup with it and you guys go across the hall or something. We can't have everyone in here. Get your booze and go man!

Jess smiled and expressed excitement over the prospect of, you know, the same things I was getting excited about. We went across the hall into the guest bedroom and quickly finished the absinthe. After some small talk we started kissing. About twenty minutes elapsed.

Jess: I can feel the absinthe.

At that moment, I felt it too. It felt better than weed. Things sounded different, they felt different. It felt as if I had two senses of touch, two senses of smell, two senses of you get the point. It's not quite that, but I can't describe it.

At this point I pulled her shirt off and then her shorts. She was stunning. Her skin had a slight tan, her legs were long, her breasts overflowed from my sweaty palms, her brown hair was done just right, and her brown eyes pierced my soul. I never felt so aroused. I knew better than to bust right in so after some foreplay, I asked her whether she had a condom. (My health teacher would have been proud!)

Jess: No, you don't have one?

Me: I'll pull out.

Problem solved.

I went into her and she wrapped her legs around me. We tried to keep the same pace, but she slowed down and I took over. When I was about to burst, I did the old pull and pray (God forgive me I prayed!) as I exploded on her stomach.

Good, did this get your attention? I am not writing this for you to get you off. Pay attention to what I am doing wrong, not what it looks like I'm doing right! Okay, back to my story.

We laid next to each other for a while with nothing to say—it felt awkward now that there was nothing else. Eventually, Jess had to leave, her curfew was 2:00 and it was already 2:30. She ended up riding home with some friends. After taking some hits in Mancuso's bedroom (where the pot smokers moved their operations to), I noticed Paul was in the computer room, swigging the cognac—definitely buzzed. He did not look too happy, but he saw the smirk on my face—I was definitely proud of myself.

Paul: Come in, tell me what happened.

Me: I was just with this girl, Jess. She's from our school, I never had a class with her.

Paul: Yeah, me neither, never heard of her. Was she hot?

He was definitely drunk, tripping over his words a bit, so we sat down. I went to a torrent and started watching American History X while Paul put on channel 412, a music channel, on the TV.

Me: Definitely. Nice ass, long legs. A real good face.

Paul: Did you blow your load on her tramp stamp?

Me: She didn't have one, but—

Paul: Did you get her number?

Me: No man, I can't do that.

After some silence Paul spoke up again.

Paul: You need a steady fuck.

Me: I never had one. How was it with Cindy?

Paul: You know why I went with her. She was slutty and hot. I wanted to have sex and lose my virginity. But, I know this now. I thought not being a virgin would make me feel like a different person. After fucking so many times and now not getting anything for so long, I feel like a virgin again. Exactly the same.

Me: Now _you_ need a steady fuck, that would fix it.

Paul: That would fix it. (He was in deep thought for a moment) So, I was upstairs providing the weed, and I smoked some.

Me: Of course.

Paul: And everything I do, man, I can't shake it. I was watching the Family Guy DVD when we were smoking. During a scene in church, Peter Griffin said when you die, you just rot in the ground. And that is all there is.

Me: That's heavy man. Heavy.

Simon all of the sudden walked in on our conversation.

Simon: Sorry to break up your gay conversation, but Ryan is going fuckin' nuts again.

Ryan was obviously way too drunk, talking _way_ too loud. We all ran downstairs and Simon approached Ryan defensively. He tried to calm Ryan down, because he needed him to either be quiet or leave the party.

Simon: Dude, stop laughing so loud at everything, we're all here to tell you to calm the FUCK down.

Ryan: You would be excited too if you got laid tonight.

Simon: Hey, uh, my girlfriend is out of town.

Mancuso walked downstairs and yelled, "And that has stopped you before? I'm one away from the hat trick!"

Simon: Nucka! (Pounding fists aggressively)

Mancuso: So, it was the fatty fucker causing all the commotion? Get the FUCK out of here!

Ryan: No, you get the FUCK out of here!

Simon: Ryan, calm the FUCK down!

Mancuso: What the fuck are you talking about? Get the FUCK out of my house pin-dick!

Ryan: FUCKING DICK!

As the fists started flying, it was evident that the party already died down. Anyway, Simon dragged Ryan out of the house. I had no idea where Paul went at the moment, and I have not seen Saul for hours. As Simon was talking to Ryan to calm him down (so he would have a place to sleep, we were too drunk and/or high to attempt to drive), I went to the basement to find out whatever happened to Saul. As I walked downstairs, I peered into the bathroom and noticed that Saul was sitting on the can while getting a hummer from Paul's ex Cindy. I gasped, slowly went back upstairs, closed the door, and hung my head in shame. There's no way that I can tell Paul that this happened, because I was not willing to be the guy who had to break it to him. It was none of my business and what he didn't know would not hurt him. At least I thought. Plus, Solomon was not the only guy to be with Cindy. Let me put that succinctly. This night went from great to dizzily awkward in less than half an hour. But alcohol does that to you.

The following morning started at about 9:00. I woke up with a head-splitting headache and my mouth was as dry as hell. I went outside on the porch to get some fresh air. As I saw the clear blue sky, and felt the cool morning breeze, I murmured "oh fuck" to myself as I realized that I drank too much yet again. I saw Ryan out cold laying near the barbeque. I stumbled back in and saw Mancuso and Simon on the couch sleeping with snacks and pizza (they got the alcohol induced munchies) with X-Box controllers on the floor. I made myself some cereal and then played an old Madden game to waste some time. As the hours passed, I saw Paul come down stairs awkwardly from the "motel" and Saul emerged from the basement. I was sick to my stomach, but afterwards Simon finally woke up. We spoke lightly.

Simon: What the hell's wrong with you guys?

Me: What does it look like?

Simon: Drink more water. Cures every hangover.

Mancuso: Or keep drinking beer… And never stop! (He said while half asleep!)

By noon we headed home in our cars. There was no way I wanted to see my dad. I knew all he would do is ask questions. My mom would do the same, but rather than scold me, she'd try to understand me. Seriously, at the time I did not want hear them. Instead, I hit the Counterstrike servers. Later, I instant messaged my friends. After that Friday night, I needed the rest of the weekend to relax. I was bored, so I filled my time doing the things I liked, like watching movies and videos on Youtube. I also played Tecmo football on an emulator and some other old games. It was the same old same old. Despite being with all my friends Friday night, I spent most of my weekend by myself. It was all just stale. After all of this, I couldn't wait to get to college.

Chapter III: School's Out Forever!

After wasting away at home all weekend, I decided to go to school on Monday instead of making it a three day weekend. Anyway, the partying and anti-religious parts of my life were toned down in school when I was around Frank. He was friends with the entire gang, because he was part of our Counterstrike clan. Frank really was more of a tag along, but we liked him because he was a black Republican. We got a thrill about complaining about blacks in front of a black. I think he was so conservative, because he was seriously religious. Anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, even pro-abstinence! Thanks to affirmative action, he was accepted into Columbia. He aimed to go to the Union Theological Seminary. We were in history class at the moment.

Frank: I can't stand that fucking bitch. (The history teacher) She just tries to brainwash us to vote Democrat.

Ryan: I just registered Democrat.

Me: You registered to vote? Voting doesn't make a fucking difference.

Ryan: We've got to stop that Bush somehow or another. That and we need to do something about the poverty in this country.

Frank: Poverty? POVERTY!?! You mean all the poor people dying of diabetes and obesity is poverty? They need to get some fucking jobs and stop complaining. The real impoverished are those poor people in Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. Living under dictators, starving to death, mass murderers. You vote Democrat and you let all that crap happen.

Ryan was quiet. He did not dare talk about the plight of blacks to a black. Solomon was in this class too, so he asked, "Frank, you are obviously educated and privileged. What do you know about underprivileged African-Americans?"

Frank: I grew up in the Bronx. My parents worked their butts off to get a nice place where criminals aren't raising hell. Ever since I was a kid I helped in the soup kitchens, and I still sometimes make the trip to do that—

Saul: I'm Jewish, and I understand tha—

Frank: Have you ever been to a soup kitchen before and seen the homeless? I mean, I want the best for them, but they put themselves in that situation. They don't like working. They would rather drink or sit around all day. I feel bad for these guys, though I feel much more sorry for the people with real mental illnesses. These people have my sympathy, but they do not deserve anything from the government. You are not born entitled to anything. You have to work for it. Now, if you want your vote to do something worthwhile, vote against murder like abortion.

Cindy turned around and said that abortion was not murder, it was a woman's choice. At just this moment Ms. Ocasio walked in. She said, "Good morning, it's good to hear you guys talking about politics so early. Cindy, what was your point?"

Cindy: A woman has the right to do what she wants with her body.

Frank: That does not mean killing living people inside of them!

Cindy: Oh, I agree. I would not get an abortion, but I still think we should not impose our morality on other people's decisions over their body.

Ocasio: That's a good compromise, do you guys agree?

Most of us in the class nodded somewhat more than half-heartedly, while Frank and a few other students were indignant. At this point, Simon stuck his head through the room's door.

Simon: Ms. Ocasio. We are working on the senior edition of the Diary [the school newspaper. Is it okay if Paul, Saul, Frank, Ryan, and James go to the Diary Office?

We already started getting up and leaving when Ocasio chimed in offering us a pass.

Me: We don't need one!

So, we went to the Diary office and used the digital projector and an X-Box 360 to have a Halo 2 tournament. Meanwhile, Simon actually took his assistant editorship to the paper seriously. He was writing a history of senior pranks (which largely were a 4 year cycle of cherry bombs one year, rat released in the cafeteria the next, spray paint on the building after that, and dog shit thrown onto the art board near the main office the year after that. The cycle seemed to repeat every four years, because everyone thinks they were the first to release a rat in the cafeteria when they weren't in the school the last time it happened. News was someone was going to put police tape on the parking lot this year, but we told no one—we kept our sources secret.) Frank wrote an article about why Hillary Clinton should not be the next President. The rest of us usually went down there to watch DVDs, play X-Box, get onto LAN games, and sometimes finish some work due the next period. Simon just received an email from the editor, who just finished an article about the recreational use of Ritalin, which was becoming more widespread in our school.

Simon laughed that we had a school full of drug addicts. Frank noted that most people were on some kind of drug.

Saul: That's a bit of an exaggeration.

Frank: I don't need that crap to be happy.

Ryan: How would you even know? You don't go to parties.

Simon: Yeah man, you are a prude.

Saul: Come on, different strokes for different folks.

Frank: No way, there's the right way or the expressway if you want to put it that way.

Saul: You can't possibly think that there is only one way to be happy, one way to be good, one way—

Frank: I disagree.

Saul: You shouldn't.

Frank: You shouldn't be a Jew!

Simon: My nucka! Nice!

Maybe that's why we liked Frank, and Simon. Simon was able to say nucka in front of Frank, and Frank took no offense to it!

Anyway, we decided to go out and get lunch when the parking lot security guard went to get her coffee. We rode in Saul's 2003 Explorer.

Ryan: How much did this cost you?

Saul: I don't know. My parents paid for it. I am getting one of those new BMWs for graduation.

Simon: Being an only child kicks ass.

Saul: My parents are a pain in the ass.

Paul: I can't believe we graduate so soon, and prom's so soon… That fucking bitch Cindy cheated on me, so I don't know who I'm going with.

Simon: She's a bitch, she's going to rot in Hell.

Paul: I'm overall a good guy. I do more good than bad at the end of the day. She's just a bitch.

Me: That's why you went out with her to begin with.

Out of nowhere, totally oblivious to our conversation, hell, our whole world view, Frank said, "You know what show fucking sucks? 'The Brady Bunch.'"

That was the last thing I ever heard on Earth for sometime.

Chapter IV: And Justice For All

At that moment, one of the cracked sidewalls on the Explorer's tires burst open. Saul, an inexperienced and more importantly Jewish driver, could not control the vehicle and it veered into a side of a Duane Reade's and turned over—killing us.

We looked around and noticed that we were in a huge line in some other world. None of us had to say it. We knew it. We were dead. Frank looked unsurprised. Paul was surprisingly calm. Saul was flabbergasted.

Saul: This makes no sense, none of this makes sense. I can see there being no afterlife, or an afterlife that is an essence of something, but this? This is surprisingly ordinary. There can't be a God then, we must be in a parallel dimension!

Simon: That makes sense.

Ryan: Where does this line lead to?

A woman ahead of us spoke up, "It goes to a court room where 'The Judge' presides."

Me: "The Judge?"

A man ahead of us said, "Haven't you read the Qur'an? We all get judged. God knows all of our actions."

Frank: "The Judge" is God?

The man: As far as I know, no. We are clearly being judged. It is what it is, so I cannot complain about it.

Saul: No, this is stupid. I was taken out of the prime of my life, to whatever this place is to be judged by some finite thing? If God is this finite, it is not a God worth worshiping.

Many people murmured on the line approvingly. They were on this line for years and thought the whole system was a lot of crap. The people found solace in refusing to believe this is what they were being subjected to. They hated it.

The God fearers disagreed. A Muslim man noted, "If God wills it, God wills it."

Paul was nodding. I asked him why he believed in all this crap. I mean, you are reading this now—it's obvious. The whole situation seemed ridiculous. Is this how you envision the afterlife?

Paul: Just before we died James, I repented like I learned in Church. Through God's help, I accepted Its initiative and realized how wrong I was living my life.

Simon: Don't try sucking up where The Judge can't hear you. He can't hear us right?

Someone in the line said, "Well, probably not."

Simon: Dude, you are a drug dealer. You stole, you gave money to terrorists and criminals—you banged Cindy. You know you got herpes from her and yet you still banged that pothead chick without a rubber! Let's call it what it is.

Me: You got action that night?!?

Paul: After our conversation. I knew I was wrong and I felt awful all weekend. I hope I am forgiven.

Ryan: You can't undo what you did in life. I know I am fine. I _know_ did more good than bad. I went to confession. I did things that worked for me. Right, Saul?

Saul would have none of it. He despised the system. As the years passed on the line he sounded more and more philosophical about it, though surprisingly none of our opinions on any matters changed whatsoever.

Saul: I know this is not what all you claim it is. In fact, I can demonstrate that is just a test. I can demonstrate that the universe is ultimately construed by a finite amount of forces during a finite period of time. It is arbitrary and limited. In these limits one can see that…

He was not a good philosopher, but it sounded logical and as true as anything. However, just because something sounds true and is logical does not make it true. We were all in a place that did not abide by any rules that we understood.

Eventually, after God knows how long, we entered the court room. It was a large room, with an indeterminate size, with large sections for the audience leading to where the Judge presided in the front. We sat in the audience and watched the majority of people being sent to Hell by the Judge. The Judge was a huge guy, about 25 feet tall and stocky. He looked kind of like a large white guy who wore a large powdered wig like George Washington. The Judge had a massive black robe and held a large gavel as if he were wielding a weapon. We observed "cases" like the following:

The Judge: I have been reading your case file and have seen that you never did anything to help people, though you never hurt anyone…and you claimed you would go to Hell before you would pray to a god that is a man.

Woman: Well is He a man?

The Judge: If you say so. No It's not, but I am and I have enough reason to send you to Hell. To hell with you!

He hammered his gavel and she fell through the floor into Hell. A black man standing next to the judge, like the guy in Judge Judy, said, "Nice one sir."

The Judge replied, "Thank you, thank you. NEXT!"

A Muslim Terrorist (the bomb belt was on him after death…everything you wear when you die remains on you) was up next.

The Judge: So, you lived a good life. You loved your neighbor, you were respectful. You lost your joband were adopted by a Brotherhood who brainwashed you and perverted your love to kill people.

The Muslim Terrorist: It is true. I was weak. I accept my punishment.

The Judge: Not so fast. Your beliefs were wrong, but I penalize no one because their beliefs are incorrect. If you had bad teachers and bad influences, and you really thought what was bad was indeed good, I cannot penalize you. You are not justified by doing what is right, but by trying to do what was right. And you sincerely tried doing this. You will be rewarded for knowing there was something right and good, created by God.

The Muslim terrorist praised God as The Judge's lackey led him away. The terrorist then ascended into the light coming from the sky in the courtroom.

Saul yelled: This is bullshit! You think this judge is wise. How do we know those who are sent to Hell go to "Hell" and those sent to Heaven go to you know where? You do not! How can a terrorist be sent to Heaven and someone who never did anything to hurt anybody go to Hell?

The Judge summoned Saul and he approached him. The Judge smiled and said, "Make your case."

Saul: I know I am a good person, because I do more good than most people I know. I am not perfect, but nobody is. If knowing too much to accept like a sheep this reasonless justice in this absurd world is a crime, then I am guilty. You know as much as I that this is absurd, and you claim that _trying_ to do the right thing is good enough? I am a practicing Jew! I ate Kosher, I followed the Sabbath many times. Even if these things are not true, as this absurd world shows, I did as much good as I could!

The Judge: You are not guilty of knowing too much, but too little. Do not pretend that just because you were brought up a certain way and act like you follow what you were taught, that you actually understood. Do not forget, most young people are damned because of their ignorance and one other much more important thing…their will. They do not will to do good. All they want is what's good for themselves. Do you think a baby cares about the health of its mother, which is good? It cares only about its own nourishment, which is an inferior good. You were Jewish, but for the sake of being Jewish. You acted good often, but you did not constantly seek to do good things. You were good only often enough to avoid trouble with authority on Earth and to make yourself feel good about who you are. You are a selfish brat. I would like to say, "See you in Hell," but I never plan to go there, so I hope you have a hell of a time!

The Lackey: Nice!

Saul fell into Hell and I heard someone murmur, "He actually runs out of Hell jokes after a while and just recycles them."

I saw a long line of people go to hell. Jews, Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Secular Humanists, New Agers, Environmentalists, Communists, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, recyclers, PTA members, teachers, students, preschoolers, the elderly, do you get the point? Most of everyone goes to Hell for the same reasons Saul did.

Now, it was Ryan's turn with the Judge.

The Judge: So Ryan, you think by being a practicing Catholic, you can avoid damnation?

Ryan decided to say nothing, so the Judge continued, "What do you do that makes you so worthy? Your case file shows you will follow lent…sort of."

Ryan: Hey, two years ago I really gave up chocolate for 40 days.

The Judge: Whoop-dee-fucking-doo kid. Let me continue. You go to Church, sometimes. You pray, but usually for things you want.

Ryan: Who doesn't?

The Judge: You want to have a visage of holiness, yet you are a sodomite…

A few of us chuckled, because it sounded like he was "outted."

The Judge thundered on, "You are a thief, you are an egoist, you are selfish—"

Ryan: I am a shopping mall Catholic. I do what makes sense for me.

The Judge: Huh, really? This would not be a problem if there was a single person who actually believed such garbage. The biggest delusion there is, is the idea that the truth is some sort of indeterminate, relative thing. You try to do good or you try to do evil. You try to follow the best path, or you don't care what path you take. That lack of care for the truth reveals you don't care about it whatsoever. All you care about are the insignificant and unimportant things, such as how you will get off next you disgusting little punk.

Ryan: But you would be disgusting and little too if you were not so big and stuff…

The Judge: But nothing! You care nothing for good and you will thus spend the rest of eternity with your ilk. I condemn you to an eternity of hellfire!

And to Hell Ryan went, and I felt my stomach drop. I saw the writing on the wall. After this, Paul was summoned and he fell on his knees and cried, "Judge, I was confident that when I repented I would go to heaven—that I would be fine, but I seen far better people than me cast into Hell. To be honest, I have been unsure all along what my destiny will be. I lived a life of sin and realized only too late the error of my ways. It is not for me to question your will."

The Judge: Granted, you are a sinner and you have a weak conception of what is good. Your inquisitiveness does not justify you, but you opened yourself to God's grace. Follow him [the lackey, and be led to the rest of the flock.

And standing there flabbergasted, we saw Paul gain entrance to heaven. He looked emotional yet as happy as he has ever been. He then ascended into Heaven. I was happy for him; he was my best friend in life, but at the time I was too concerned with my own fate to give it much thought.

A man whom I did not know then went ahead of us in order.

The man smiled and declared, "I accept Jesus as my lord and savior."

The Judge chuckled, "You think a fake repentance actually tricks anybody? Do you think we run such a shoddy operation, we would not know what you really are?"

The man: That's ridiculous, I opened my heart to Jesus before it was too late.

The Judge: Being baptized with water and saying mere words that you have righted your path does not justify you. Nothing can justify you. Your faith in yourself instead of God con_damns_ you.

The Judge chuckled again as the man fell into Hell.

Frank then stepped up to the Judge. He did not look confident at all. To the contrary, after watching Paul get up into Heaven, I was thinking that Frank would be awarded too. The Judge looked at the case file and then his face soured.

The Judge: Frank, you sold crack and killed two people…stole from your family and friends…raped a 9 year old…wow. You really think you lived it up for someone your age.

Frank didn't know how to react. Befuddled, he replied, "What the hell are you talking about?"

The Judge: Hell of course!

Frank fell into Hell, and Simon quickly announced, "Jeez, I knew he was a nucka but not a nigger. God damn!"

I was concerned, because I knew Frank did none of those things.

Me: I think they made a mistake.

Simon: It's the afterlife. There are no mistakes. (Simon was up next and he confidently spoke to the Judge) All I have seen is that anyone like me goes to hell. Why bother with me? I know I am going to Hell, so get it over with.

The Judge: The irony is that for all the times you were selfish, materialistic, and disrespectful, that none of these things would send you to Hell only if you cared that you were going there. For this, I condemn you to an eternity of hellfire!

The Judge sent Simon to Hell. After all of this, The Judge finally summoned me.

The Judge: You do not know how lucky you are.

Me: I'm going to Heaven?

The Judge: No, you are going to Hell.

Me: I'm lucky?

The Judge: Hell yes! You are not dead. All your friends are, but you are not.

Me: What are you talking about?

The Judge: You did not die in the car accident. You are in a coma.

Me: So, is this a coma-dream or something?

The Judge: No, no, this is real. Through God's grace, you have been chosen to see Hell so that with your eyes, your ears, and your heart you can understand what you should change in your own life. This will help you avoid an actual eternity in Hell.

Me: So, this is not what it really is...it is more profound than that right? I cannot see it in its entirety.

The Judge: No, this is what it looks like, feels like, smells like, sounds like, tastes like, you get the point. This is it. It is what it is.

Me: But you made a mistake with Frank.

The Judge: Hey, I have been doing this for a long time, I made no mistake! Proceed to the door behind me, and open it. Walk down the stairs until you run into a red fellow about twice my height. His name is Loki, and he runs the place.

So I left and started going down the stairs. I was now convinced I was in a dream, so I was just going to let it run its course. I walked down the stairs, and walked, and walked and years passed, and I made no headway. The stairway looked endless. I decided that this was some sort of other-worldly prank, so I walked up the other direction for even more years. Again, there was no end in sight! I said to myself, "Fuck it!"

I jumped over the railing, thinking I would wake up from my dream just before I hit the ground. I was in free fall; the feeling was wonderful. I felt like I was sky diving. Maybe this was a test, this was Heaven I thought. I just had to figure out how to make the best out of the human condition, surely symbolized by the endless flight of stairs, right? As this thought ran across my head, I hit solid rock. My body was pummeled. I felt pain I never fathomed, but my body instantly rematerialized. I looked up and saw a red beast looking down on me. He (I am not sure, he had no genitalia) had giant muscles, claws on his hands. Sweat glistened on his skin as the flames rose behind him, making his whole being appear afire. Yet his gaze was ice cold, and his solid white eyes pierced into my soul, causing shiver to run down my spine. I have never seen something so terrible, so evil.

Chapter V: Let's Go To Hell

All of the sudden I heard a raspy yet mildly retarded sounding voice.

Satan: How the hell are ya? It takes most people much quickuh to jump off the stairway. They also usually take much longa to stupidly think a free fall is heaven.

I trembled and asked, "Who are you?"

Satan: Me? I'm Loki. I'm the reason why there's ghouls n' ghosts. I run this place. I make sure that people who deserve punishment, get punishment. It's my job! Come into my office, so we can discuss this furthuh.

His office was a rather unspectacular trailer, with an air conditioner hanging out the window with water dripping from it. Of course, it was very large, because it was made to fit someone his size.

Me: Loki, what am I doing here?

Loki: Let me see...

His office was a mess. Papers were piled up everywhere. He was rummaging through his filing cabinets and pulled out a file with my name on it. He put on his reading glasses, read it for a bit, and nodded as he looked at the file.

Loki: I see what's goin' on. Let me take ya on a brief tour of Hell. You'll see the fiyah [fire, the desiya (you should get it by now); all the terrible things in Helluh.

Loki's phone rang, so he picked it up. He suddenly changed his mind.

Loki: Brimstone shortage? What the fuck man, this whole god damn place is made of brimstone! Oh, just practically all made of brimstone. Yeah. Yeah. (Towards me) Uh, something came up. Go look around on your own and wear this special blue armband in order to avoid getting punished by my minions.

Me: How about other people?

Loki: Hell's a sacreh [scary place, deal with it! I'll catch up with ya later.

Me: Uh, okay then. Later.

I went on my way and the things I saw were terrible. There were animals in Hell. Animals! How could this be? How would they know any better? It was not fair to punish them, I thought. The animals were roasted alive and hunted by humans wearing black armbands and brown uniforms. I saw those same humans beating on other humans. Humans eating each other alive. It was awful, I could not fathom what most of these people could have done to be subjected by Loki to this terror.

I ran to find the thing named Loki, surrounded by devils, happily brutalizing some of Hell's tortured souls.

Loki: Watch this one guys…Hmmm, I'm thirsteh, I'm in the mood for a drink!

Devil: How about a Bloody Mary?

Loki: Capital idea! Ooh, a twist-top!

He then grabbed a woman and twisted off her head. Imagine hearing her scream, her bones snap, even her skin tear! Loki then sucked out her blood through her neck.

Loki: Cheap bastuhds keep making 'em smalluh!

He then threw the body off into the distance. The woman suddenly materialized before him, and in fear she ran away, pulling down whoever was in her path. People took offense to it, and started going after her. One man thought another next to him was the one who pulled him down.

Damned soul #1: You fucking asshole.

Damned soul #2: What the fuck is it to you dickwad?

They then commenced to beat the living shit out of each other. At this point, some of the other people stopped running away and began to watch the fight. I admit that I was drawn in. There was an appeal to it. I can see why gladiatorial combat was so popular. At this point some of the devils began stabbing some of the crowd with pitchforks, sodomizing them with the handles, and throwing fireballs at them.

Loki: That's nothin' guys, watch this!

All of the sudden, everyone I saw was instantly incinerated, taking about a minute to burn alive. They tried rolling around to take out the flames, but to no avail. I saw bursts of fire far in the distance from the scene I was witnessing, so I realized that Loki willed that everyone in Hell would burn alive at once. The sight, the smell…the taste of the smoke. It was terrible. What petty things are the majority of us guilty of to deserve this? So I ran to Loki screaming.

Me: This is terrible! Animals are being tortured, humans are being encouraged to kill each other, you are personally hurting them. Why the dumb animals? Why are all the people being treated equally bad? Not everyone here is a murderer or a rapist! It is terrible what you are doing to these people!

Loki: You didn't see the baby roastin' pits, did ya?

Me: Baby roasting pits!!!

Loki: Sure, we don't always roast them. Sometimes we let them starve to death, tear them by their limbs, dash their heads against rocks…

Me: Why is an innocent baby in hell!

Loki: No one in Helluh is innocent.

Me: I saw the people sent to Hell in purgatory. One of my friends was sent to Hell because he bangs fat chicks.

Random Devil: Who's this fucking moron?

Loki: C'mon guys, eh, he's new here. Jesus had a plan or somethin' and he will be around with us. Notice his armband. Kid, I thought you were smartuh than you apparently ah [are, let's go back to my office.

We went back to his office, and he sat me down.

Loki: Listen James, there are several things you need to understand about here. Everyone in Helluh deserves it. Don't question that. They make their own hell!

Me: I saw you torturing people who were otherwise minding their own business!

Loki: Are you blind! Misery loves company. They approached us. They approached us closuh when I grabbed that damned soul. They attacked each other. They then gathered around each other again. See it, believe it, understand it. They make their own hell.

Me: Then what were you doing?

Loki: Uh, well…you see. Um. I'm just a catalyst…that's right. I just encourage people to live up to their potential. See, man is born to suffa. From the moment he leaves the womb, the first thing the baby does is cry. Then it desiyas sustenance, and regahdless, all things man can't have tortures him.

Me: Roasting babies! Torturing animals!

Loki: Don't feel sorry for the animals or the babies. They are terminally selfish and that's their undoin'. They are destined for an eternity of hellfiyah. Let me explain it to you simply. All things with souls are destined for Helluh unless they do something that makes them somehow above it. Pain exists in the life of animals, your life, ya know. It is only if you rise above the pain that you can live without it for eternity. Only a few exceptions, like you, will have a … uh … what they call a "dynamic personality" in Hell. Otherwise, you just stay the same heuh [here forevuh.

Me: What pain?

Loki: Well, of course, there's physical pain. Watch this…

Loki got up and opened a window. He then threw a fireball outside of it, which exploded in a distant part of the land, exploding like an atomic bomb, killing everything in its path. Loki led me outside his office and we started walking.

Loki: You smell that? Dead bodies? Brimstones? See, that's good old fashioned Hell! Hell, it's my job 'n stuff, decreed by God, to compound pain, just like it's The Judge's to judge and Jesus' to—

Me: So, you add physical pain, but what pain do animals, children, and even babies have besides starving and other physical sorts of pain?

Loki: Uh, it's simple, but first don't think too hard about the animals, since they're really not thinking to hahd [hard about it themselves.

As we were walking, Loki saw a cow eating beef and he started laughing maniacally.

Loki: HA HA HA! Stupid animal! What was I getting at? Fuhget what you think you felt like when you were a kid. Think real hahd [hard, boy. You were a slave to your every desiyah. You cried like a little pussy about everything! You were lahst [lost without your parents' guidance.

Me: My parents didn't guide me!

Loki: Don't act stupid with me, without that blue armband you'd actually feel the brunt of it. Get used to getting killed every once of a while out heuh [here, but it could be much worse.

Me: Sorry, Loki, sir.

Loki: Don't sweat it man, I like ya, I want to help ya out man! Let me put it into words you'll understand. Do kids your age like Walkmans?

Me: I think my brother had one of those. We have I-Pods.

Loki: Whateva, I-Pods. And you have Van Halen…

Me: Who the hell listens to Van Halen?

Loki: Oh, come on man, "Runnin' With the Devil" is the national anthem here! Whatever, think about some crappy band you listen to. And you enjoy your Walkman with your stupid band playing and someone takes it from you, you are disappointed.

Me: Well, of course! I-Pods make people happy.

Loki: If you never had that Walkman, you would never have been disappointed. The desiyah is the flames, you must focus on better things than the Walkman.

Me: Whoa, that's like that Buddhist shit I learned in 9th grade.

Loki, Yeah, whateva man, you get the point? Well enough of this pussy-ass shit, I don't believe a word of it.

Me: Why did you tell me this shit?

Loki: Man, all I know is that I'm supposed to. Enjoy ya-self while you are here man, you got a blue armband, everything will work out for ya in the end.

Me: So wait, why do you torture all these people?

Loki: Hey man, the stuff I told you is the reason, but as I said all I really know that it's my job.

Boy did he say that a lot. He obviously did not think too hard about it.

Loki: Don't tell me how to do my job. There are no mistakes in Hell. Everyone in hell deserves it and that's all you need to know. Anyway, you gots to know some ground rules. Time does pass here, but much slower than you are used to on Earth. Also, there are a lot of sights in Hell. See them! Lastly, remembuh you are always welcome here in my office or in my castle. I love your company. I don't often get the opportunity to talk to humans who are not meant to be pummeled by my fistuh.

At that moment he crushed me with his hand and I rematerialized.

Me: Hey, that fucking hurt!

Loki: I kid, I kid!

Part II:

Chapter I: Loki's Lackeys

Loki is the supreme being of horror in Hell. Every person, animal, and devil obeys him. Devils are lower in the Hell-hierarchy than Loki, while being considered higher than all the creatures in this domain. While devils are free to do as they wish with any human or animal in Hell, they exist at Loki's disposal to follow orders and to maintain disorder. The devils' role is to continue to fulfill Loki's mission to torture, tempt, and continue to disenchant all the humans living in hell. You can see devils all over the place. They are simply Loki's labor force. I spoke to Loki about the devils when I was in his office. I knew that I was going to be down here for a while and I wanted to know as much as possible about this place.

Me: Loki, what's with the devils?

Loki: The devils? What about 'em? They just exist at my pleashuh 'n stuff.

Me: I mean, I see them torture people, cause trouble, patrol around, serve you, and haul your paperwork. Are they individuals? Do they have personalities? Are they like you and me?

Well, I should have said, "They are a lot like you, but are they like me at all?" Because, well, Loki is pretty much a much bigger version of a devil and didn't seem to have thoughts and feelings.

Loki: Well, all of us are lower than humans 'cause you guys are like…the image of God 'n shit. But since you guys always choose sin, you wind up here with us guys! Each devil has her or his own thoughts, but unlike humans they all share one conviction.

Me: Which is what?

Loki: To make your life a livin' hell! HA HA HA HA!

That was pretty funny.

Loki: Or your death a dyin' hell!

That wasn't.

Me: So… Can I meet a few?

Loki: Well sure! I'll summon a few of my widest-eyed most, uh, epic sorta devil guys I have around.

Loki at this point was trailing off.

Loki: I order you [all to appear!

Seconds later, a few of Loki's servants approached us. I have seen them before since they were the ones who assisted Loki with office work. They are not really "henchmen," since all devil's are equal in Hell, well, almost. The servants look bored and insulted that they were summoned for my pleasure, a human's pleasure. I was ogling at them, and they looked insulted. Some gave me threatening expressions back like convicts in a prison.

I started noticing their physical characteristics. Male devils are naked and usually hold a trident. While all female devils have a tail, male devils may have long or short tails, or just a bare-ass. I guess this is just because male-devils are made to look comical. Female-devils are made to look more promiscuous. They take part in an equal amount of torturing and labor activities as the male-devils, but they actually wear clothes. They wear black underwear and a black brasserie that accentuates the size of their breasts. Men and women are often tempted just by the sight of the female-devils who torture them and do Hell's labors.

All of the devils appear to be my age, possibly a year or two older. Another aspect of a devil's appearance that I must explain is how a devil is usually dressed according to its role in Hell. While regular grunts are dressed how they are, workers may wear specific clothes to indicate the work they do. Like chef hats for chef devils, hard hats for construction worker devils, uniforms for train conductor devils, police officer hats for police officer devils, and for these secretary devils black glasses and green accountant's hats.

Male-Devil: What the hell does he want?

Loki: James heuh has seen you guys before, but now he wants to know who you [all really ah [are in the inside.

Female-Devil: That sounds stupid!

Loki: Well, it is guys, but y'all gotta entertain him or somethin'.

Female-Devil: What are we supposed to do? Do stunts, backflips? We have important work to get done for you!

Me: So, what's your names?

Another Male Devil: Name?

Loki: Devils don't have names stupid! They live to do a job and they do it well! Simply, devils are called "devils" and the girl-devils are called "demon chicks".

Me: "Demon chicks?" That's sexist! If they are called different, then that's not fair!

Loki: It's Hell man, Hell's not supposed to be fair!

Demon-Chick: So, do we have to stand here or can we have to get back to work?

Loki: James, what do you wish to do?

I was pretty much lusting after the demon-chicks, but I was not perverted enough, yet, to follow through with my desires to have sex with them. I was thinking to myself, "They are devils James, you are in Hell for a reason. Don't do anything stupid!"

Me: You guys can go, I'll just talk with Loki.

Devil: Finally!

Demon-Chick: Fuckin' asshole.

The devils left.

Me: Bitch!

Loki: Remembuh James, with that blue armband you have the privilege to do anything you wish. Anything.

Me: You mean have sex?

I jumped right on it. I was now thinking, "Fuck it, I am in hell I might as well enjoy myself!"

Loki: Yeah man! Go for it! Have fun! Fuck my demon-chicks 'n shit! Have at it!

Me: Well sure! But, will I get them pregnant and make half-human children and shit?

Loki: Well no, of course not! Only devils can have children with devils.

Me: You mean like you?

Loki: Well no man, I don't have any junk.

Me: Well, the regular devils don't have dicks too. They just have butt-cheeks.

Loki: It's Hell, uh, don't think too hard about shit like this.

Chapter II: Loki and Me

At the time, it still had not hit me yet that I was dead and in Hell for the rest of eternity, or at least "dead" for some unspecified amount of time. You know, I always imagined that Hell would be a hot place full of horror, fire, torture, and all that bad stuff. And hell they're right, but for now I thought I was living the good life in Hell. Loki did his damned best to continue to make a great first impression. I was invited to explore Hell, but I did not walk too far from Loki's office. I did not want to fall into a fire pit, a magma pit, an incinerating pit, and all those other type of pits that will burn you to death over and over again. Also, I did not want to get attacked by a devil, person, or some wild animal, you know, stuff you would expect in Hell—Hell-stuff, but I digress.

I walked a bit outside Loki's office to notice the great expanse of Hell. There was no ceiling, and you can see the red hemispherical sky with ashy clouds of smoke. The sky almost looked like an unending dark-red sunset—simply it seemed beautifully horrifying. Since the sky remained the same color, it was never day or night at Hell despite the fact that plenty of people kept the time and "date" in Hell. The land in the distance was dotted with jagged mountains made of reddish dark brown rock. There were also plenty of canyons, chasms, gulches, and other unbelievably large pits. The forests of fire and large jagged rocks bulging out of the ground arbitrarily just proved it to you that the place at least looked like Hell.

After I was mesmerized by my surroundings, I looked at the suffering people and animals in the distance. Other than the usual sights of killing, I noticed people trying to avoid it all, simply crying by themselves. Of course, the devils did a bang up job at making sure people did not have too much time to reflect on their pain. Being hurt and severely maimed encouraged almost everyone to inflict their pain upon someone else—it seemed to distract them from their own. As I was thinking about this, suddenly a dark shadow covered me like the darkest night. I was scared, but I looked behind me and there was Loki with a big shit-eating grin.

Loki: Hey man! You look like a Hell-virgin right now!

Me: A what? You mean like I haven't done this before?

Loki: Hell yeah! Hell's a place, where you uh… soak it all in 'n stuff.

Me: But I have only been here for like six hours. I'm just trying to "soak it all in."

Loki: Hey, heuh's some advice from someone that knows a thing or two about Hell: ya gotta act like you been here before, ya know? Act like you're tough and stuff.

Me: Because I have the blue armband?

Loki: Well… Sure! Why not man!!! Hell's a funny place, look at that over there!

I looked and focused, it was just a bunch of cows eating raw chopmeat. Loki laughed hysetically.

Loki: HA HA HA HA HA! Oh man! I never get bored of that! If they only knew man! Heh heh!

Even though this was the second time I saw that, I smirked and chuckled to myself. Then some person approached me and started to look at me. Now I was scared that she knew I was "new" here. I looked at her in the eyes and shoved her into the ground.

Loki stared as he looked down.

Loki: HA HA HA HA! That's great man!

I did not think it was that funny, but I felt proud because Loki showed some form of approval towards me.

Loki: Uh say James, you're getting the hang of things heuh. Tonight we can celebrate your first night in Hell. I'll hold a banquet!

Me: Well, that sounds fun, but we are going to celebrate my damnation?

Loki: Sure man! Remembuh that you have that blue armband! God has a special purpose for you and stuff like that! As I told you before, soak it all in 'n stuff!

Me: Sure! Sure! But what will I wear?

Now I was in Loki's castle, which was a large, black, and ominous looking place with extremely tall ceilings. It was suitable for someone Loki's size. The inside of this place was flat-out gothic—it was very 13th century or something like that. I noticed large portraits of Loki from all different eras of history. There were even vases like this, such as one showing a Hades-like Loki torturing a large eyed naked Olymipian. There were also soldiers' armor holding their pikes lined up like knights all across the halls as red carpets draped the rock floor.

A devil dressed in a hotel uniform showed me to my room. It was old looking with a sort of Victorian sort of style rather than the 13th century look. Antiques were all over the room, and it had a bureau along with a closet, but no bathroom. I looked at my huge bed and leapt into the mound of sheets. The devil cleared his throat and held his hand open towards me, waiting for a tip. I slammed his hand five and thanked him, because I was ecstatic—I had a cool new room.

Since the banquet was going to be held at 9 o'clock, I had a few hours to get dressed with something new. I knew my American Eagle 1st Annual Nude Beach Volleyball Tournament Champions shirt wouldn't cut it. I opened my closet and I noticed it was a large classy wardrobe. I could dress like Descartes, or wear a tunic like Caesar or something. I decided to wear the slick black tuxedo. I wanted to look all cool in front of Loki. I left my room and went downstairs having no idea where the dining room was, so I just kept walking.

By 8:30, I entered the dining room. I heard elegant classical music playing in the room, and I wondered where the source of this audio was. The table was long and as tall as an apartment building. It had to be large enough to seat Loki I guess. My chair had steps like a ladder. I climbed up and took a seat. Then I noticed a large throne across the table and figured this must have been Loki's seat. However, I did not notice any other chairs. Maybe, it would just be Loki and me. I looked at my plate and noticed it was the finest china I have ever seen. In front of me were more knives, forks, spoons, and other dumb crap than I could imagine. I heard walking from the distance. It was Loki. Loki was as naked as usual, and he had a huge smile on his face.

Loki: I'm glad you could make it!

Me: Me too Loki. What are we going to eat?

Loki: Don't worry, it'll be the best grub you eva had! Just imagine what you would eat at all those restaurants and stuff that you never had the money to go to!

Me: You mean, caviar, champagne, and uh…. Lobster tail?

Loki: Yeah man! You want me to top you off?

Me: Uh, sure.

A devil-waiter filled up my wine glass with a dark red dry wine. It had a smooth aroma, and it tasted even better than it smelled, not that I liked it all that much though. Loki filled a gigantic glass mug full of something that was labeled "200 year old scotch." He started drinking it like it was soda, while I could only sip my wine. Devil-waiters and demon-waitresses served us our first course. It was this pinkish pureed stuff. It tasted good but I had no idea what it was. Loki smiled as he simply made mounds of this stuff materialize on his plate, simply because it would look absurd if tens of devils served him. After this, we ate several more elegant appetizers. I mean, the breadsticks at Pizza Hut were better, but this stuff would have cost serious coin on Earth. One hour of light eating and relatively heavy drinking continued. My lips were loose and we talked about everything during this hour. Heaven and Hell, politics, high-school, videogames—everything that I felt was important about life.

Me: You know what, Heaven, Hell, what's the difference!

Loki: Yeah man! Hell is what you make of it, I mean, when I see some guy gougin' some guy's eyes out, that's like, that's how you make Hell suck!

Me: Yeah, yeah. (I gulped some wine)

Loki: You know, Hell's not all magic and rainbows, but people are such sinnuhs! They can really make Hell suck!

Me: In what way? Ha ha!

Loki: Yeah, you know…They're like, uh, they all get mad and hit, rape, kill, and push each other into lava and stuff. If I'm like a guy in Hell 'n stuff, I'd like…

Me: Hang out with you!

Loki: No man, that's stupid ya know…. Uh, sinnuhs suck ass. I'd like—flick the guy like a booguh or something if I saw the human version of myself.

Me: Have you done it before?

Loki: Yeah man! It's awesome!!!

We were served our main course, which was called "Succulent Kobe Steak and Lobster Medallions." The lobster was already precut in a sauce, and the vegetables on the sides were decorated like art, and they actually tasted good. I was trying to use the right fork while Loki was practically inhaling immense amounts of food. During our main course, we drank more and talked politics.

Me: Democrats and Republicans are all the same thing. They don't represent what the people think, they are just all paid off by the big corporations and polluters. I think America's awesome, but that isn't right.

Loki: That ain't right!

Me: That ain't right! I think that they should make a law against political commercials on TV and radio, because people are really stupid. I mean, I just turned 18 and I already know more than most people.

Loki: Yeah man, like, you know, if everyone sucks 'n stuff then you shouldn't vote.

Me: Yeah, that's what George Carlin says, George Carlin kicks ass.

Loki: Yeah man, I can't wait until that guy dies and tells me jokes for all of eternity, then I can shove a trident up his ass or something.

Me: THAT would be funny!

Loki: Oh hell yeah! You know what's funny?

Me: What?

Loki: That like Hell's a democracy and stuff, I have people vote for who they want to be the next Satan except I fix all the elections.

Me: Really?

Loki: Yeah, like every four Earth years I like make an election 'n stuff. It pisses off all the people who devoted their whole lives to changin' the world and "causes" and stuff like that.

Me: They get pissed off every time?

Loki: Shit ya bet! I mean, they desiya political revolution and stuff and they'll never get it. The best part is that once I intentionally lost an election and when they tried to take me out of powuh I said, "What are you gonna do about it?" You should have seen how embarrassed he looked when I got his ass radished! Ha ha!

At this point Loki was guzzling what seemed like truck-fulls of scotch. I must have been on my sixth cup of wine and I was definitely drunk. I was full after the last course, but I had to try the dessert.

Loki: Come on man, don't be a pussy, ya gotta try the chocolate lava cake, it's so sinful!

Me: Yeah yeah sure.

I somehow ate it, it tasted great but I wanted to barf Roman style.

Loki: Man, you look sick. Don't vomit on my antique table!

Me: Yeah, I hate vomiting. You know how it feels like the last time you vomited?

Loki: No, not realeh [really, 'cause I'm a divine creatuh, but continue on…

Me: Uh, yeah. Okay, every time you barf, you feel like that's the last time you will do it ever again. It feels like every time you blow chucks you're going to die. It's so unnatural feeling. So, the next time you fucked up by drinking too much you are, at first, in denial. You're like, "No, I'm just a little dizzy." Then you mouth starts filling up with saliva and then you start spitting, and you're still like, "No way, I have a streak going!" Then you feel it in the back of your throat, but you force it down. "Not this time, I'm fine!" Right?

Loki: Yeah, yeah, this is some really sophistuhcated stuff, tell me more!

Me: Really?

Loki: Yeah man, I'm learnin'! Continue!

Me: Okay, so you're in major denial that you are going to barf, so every time you do, for some reason, you wait until just the last possible second where you can hold it down to the point where you will unleash it the very moment you can make it over a toilet. And then the cycle just repeats. I mean, every time I vomit I think I will never vomit again—I would never let myself do it. Hell, I don't understand how bulimics do it, vomiting sucks!

Loki: You humans really are amazing creatuhs [creatures!

After some more wine, that was how our conversation pretty much ended that night. I climbed down the chair, somehow not falling and breaking my bones. I was thinking of taking Loki up on his offer to bang his demon-chicks, but I couldn't feel enough down there to be up to it, so I said good-night to Loki and headed to my room. Some time after midnight, I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 10:00, which was relatively early, and I felt like crap. There must have been a lot of alcohol in that wine. My mouth was all dry, and I had to piss and shit like something else. I looked around outside the room for a bathroom. I started opening doors and I noticed nothing but more Victorian-styled rooms. I was thinking too myself, "Shit, I gotta blast now." I finally stumbled downstairs and ran into a demon-chick with a hotel uniform. I asked her where the bathroom was and she led me straight back to my room. I looked around in my room puzzled; then she pulled out a shiny brass chamber pot.

Demon-Chick: You take a shit in here.

I looked perplexed.

Me: No way. You are saying I sit on that pot and take a dump?

Demon-Chick: What else would it be for? If you got to take a shit, start doing it.

The demon-chick left the room so I can take my shit. I pulled off my slick black pants and my underwear right there and leapt onto the chamber pot. After I was finished, I wiped my ass on the pants I wore and stuffed them inside the chamber pot. I yelled out the door, "Okay, where do I put all of this shit?"

Demon-Chick: You throw it out the window. Maybe it will hit somebody!

Me: Cool!

I opened the window and picked up the chamber pot. I threw it, but it made it short of the window. The demon-chick walked in and rolled her eyes. She held out her hand for a tip. I told her, "You have to tell someone to clean that up."

Afterwards, I dressed like an 18th century British general and went to the dining room to see what Loki was up to. I smelled the sweet smell of cantaloupe, ham, eggs… It was brunch! Brunch usually sucks because it combines the cheapest breakfast foods with the least satisfying lunch foods, but this was "Loki Brunch," it had to be special!

I climbed up to my chair and was promptly served eggs benedict by a waiter. I also had a cup of cranberry cocktail, orange juice, whole milk, and even a bottle of that Royal Crown Draft Cola that I drank at the pizzeria when I was six—I mean, they don't make that crap anymore! I heard a toilet flush in the distance and there was Loki. Loki went onto his throne and had another one of his great wholesome smiles.

Loki: Good mornin' James! Howdya like the dinner yesterday?

Me: I loved it! It was the best food I ever had. The eggs here are not too bad themselves!

Loki: I know man!

Loki had a giant bowl in front of him with a huge pitcher of milk. He filled his bowl full of giant frosted mini-wheats. After this, he poured in some milk.. We talked the same way we did last night. We talked about my parents, girls, Jess, and even demon-chicks.

Loki: You mean you didn't fuck 'em? Not one? Oh come on man!

Me: Give me a break, I couldn't fuck them if I wanted to. I had liquor dick!

Loki: Liquor dick? Oh, come on man don't be such a pussy! What are you, 13? Either learn how to drink more or pace yourself better! What's the point of gettin' drunk if you can't get laid?

I was thinking how right he was. I thought about all those times in tenth grade where my friends and I would vomit after six bottles of beer while Simon was doing things to the girls.

Me: Okay Loki, I'll make sure to drink a little less tonight.

Loki: Remembuh; only you can make Hell suck!

That's good advice, especially when you always find a way to make Hell suck, though Hell sure was kicking ass right now. For a few more days, Loki and I continued having dinners together. We tasted award winning wines and tried foods that were elegant and exotic. We laughed at all the same jokes and shared all of our inner secrets. I shared things with Loki that I never shared with my parents, friends, not Simon, or even Paul. I looked at Loki with an amorous expression on my face, and he looked back affectionately towards me. After dinners, we even continued to sit and talk. I never felt so close to someone, even if I knew that he was Satan. After the dinners, I took Loki's advice by drinking less. Now when I returned to my room, I could ask the demon-chicks to have sex with me. I let them have all the control, because I was embarrassed by my relative inexperience. Man, they were "demons" in the sack alright. Luckily at the moment they did not care, they simply found it pleasurable to fulfill my desires. At the time I believed that a demon-chick was a perfect woman. She would do anything I asked.

Loki told me one brunch, "You mean you didn't blow your load on her face?

Me: I don't want her to kick me in the balls!

Loki: No man, human chicks won't let you do that until theyuh few years older than you. Not these chicks! Try tit fucking one of them, you'll like it!

Another brunch…

Loki: James, you never fucked a girl in the ass? You don't know what ya missing!

One dinner…

Loki: Oh, come on man, let them play with your ass, bite ya ears... Stop being a fucking priest, that freaky-deaky shit is somethin' of this world! It's awesome!

Me: Man, I don't want her tail or fingers playing with my ass!

Loki: Oh, come on! Stop being such a pussy!

Me: No, that's fucking gay!

Loki: No it's not when a girl's doin' it. Man, you gotta try different things or you won't know what you're missin'!

Me: How would you know, you don't have a dick!

Loki: I'm the mother fuckin' prince of darkness, I know a bunch of stuff 'n shit. Now stop being such a homo and see what it's like to get freaky and shit!

I did not ask for much, other than food and sex. I was getting the attention I thought I deserved. Finally, I had another large banquet with Loki. I dressed back up with my usual clothes, as I felt that Loki did not judge me for what I was wearing and the novelty of dressing like a Pharaoh or a Roman soldier wore off. I entered the dining room and climbed up to my seat. I saw Loki already sitting on his throne. Then all of the sudden I heard the most absurd thing in Hell to date.

Person: Today, these 3 people are after high stakes! But they'll have to avoid Loki, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Loki's grand castle in Hell, it's time to Press Your Luck!

Campy 80s game show music played all the sudden.

Person: Now the STAR of Press Your Luck, Peter Tomarken!

I saw an old man wearing a blue armband like me. He must have been "Peter Tomarken."

Tomarken: Thank you Rod Rodney. (The mysterious voice in the background) Good evening Loki, why have you asked to see me?

I felt jealous, now Loki was paying attention to two people like me. Why wasn't it just me?

Loki: I am hearing on the grape vine that you have been makin' "progress."

Tomarken: How so? I been here for God knows how many years.

Loki: I know because you're such a pussy, I'm hearing you're not fuckin' the demon-chicks or torturing the damned souls or anything that's fun!

Me: No demon-chicks!?!

Tomarken: Well, I don't know. It's not that important to me anymore.

Me: Not important? They're fuckin' hot!

Tomarken: What's his problem?

Loki: He's new and stuff, when you were new, you wanted all my attention.

Tomarken: You're right, I remember now. Those were some fun times, but it's not fun for me anymore.

I thought to myself, "What do they think I am, some stupid kid? I'm 18! No fun? Can you think of anything better?"

Loki: Do you want to chill out in a Heaven Room or something?

Tomarken: Ha ha, no Loki no. Can you tell me where your library is in this place? There are some things I need to learn.

Loki: Go upstairs three flights, go to the end of the hallway and you'll find the stacks.

Tomarken: Thank you, I'll see you around.

Me: Who's that guy?

Loki: Oh, he's a game show host.

Me: Well, I got that. What's his deal?

Loki: He's like you! God has a plan and stuff, he gets to hang out with me!

Me: Do a lot celebrities get helped?

Loki: Uh, I once knew Roberto Clemente…

Chapter III: Hell-Cafeteria

I felt that Hell was not as bad as it was cracked up to be. Despite the pain and torture I witnessed, my favor with Loki put me in… a favorable position. I loved eating with Loki. Remember how we wined and dined? However, after a few days passed Loki paid less attention to me. I became extremely hungry, because he did not treat me to any more meals. My stomach began growling so bad that not even all the sex I was having was able to distract me. Since it was Hell, I thought that maybe I was going to suffer eternal starvation. I was in Loki's office at the time and I asked him about my food situation.

Me: Loki, I am starving. Do we all starve in hell?

Loki: Well, uh, you see those two guys eating each other over theuh.

I looked out the office window and witnessed two men, seemingly wrestling each other in order to continue consuming the flesh of the other.

Me: I mean real food, I would never eat another person!

Loki: You are going to be heuh for a while, no one eva knows what he's capable of!

Me: So you are telling me I am going to starve for the next million years?

Loki: Well, I don't eat that often. But, if you are hungry and you want to eat again, ya have to eat at the Hell-Cafeteria 'n shit.

Me: Cafeteria? You mean regular people are served food down here?

Loki: Yeah, you want to see?

Me: Sure, I guess I have enough time.

Loki: Just follow the long lines of people, they are all waiting for something to eat.

Me: Why can't you just show me!

Loki: I'm a buseh man you know. Runnin' Hell ain't easeh, so many sinnuhs so little time! (The phone rings) See I have important shit to do, go eat something and I'll see ya later.

I then started walking to find something to eat. What would these Hell-Cafeterias look like? Where were these lines Loki was talking about? I saw a line, and then thought that this must be it! This was such a long line, and it was moving slowly it must've had food! I was going to ask the person in front of me if she knew if this was the line to the Hell-Cafeteria but I was too embarrassed of my Hell-naiveté to ask. After about a "long" thirty minutes, I said to myself, "This line sucks." People were cutting each other in the line, screaming and arguing, and generally giving each other shit. I yelled, "Fuck this" and walked past the people on the line. I was wearing my blue armband. I was higher in rank than all these guys. People were spitting at me and giving me obscene gestures. (I saw middle fingers, and a bunch of other stuff that must have been as bad as the middle finger from whatever time they came from.) After walking forward for the next thirty minutes, I realized that these people were simply following each other in a line that went to nowhere in particular! I finally decided to ask someone, "Where are we going?"

Man: I do not know. I've only been here for a few days.

Old Woman: This line does not go anywhere!

Me: Why are you here?

Man: Fuck! I don't know.

"Hey, this line is doing nothing!," I shouted proudly. Shortly afterwards, a bunch of devils approached the line and started stabbing the people with their tridents. People tried to punch the devils, but they could not over-power them. So instead, they started punching each other. The line broke into a mob melee. I talked to one of the devils who was watching the scene.

Me: What a bunch of stupid idiots. Why would the sinners be in line, to just beat the crap out of each other!

Devil: People always do what everyone else is doing even if they don't like it. Why aren't you joining them?

Me: I am smarter than that, I know better than them! Also, I am not here to get hurt like the rest of them.

The devil looked at me with a bit of disgust.

Me: You know where the Hell-Cafeteria is?

Devil: Just follow the lines you see, boy.

Me: How would I know if it isn't just another line like this?

Devil: Just ask someone.

That was easy, just ask people... Now all I was thinking about was how hungry I was and what my meal would be like. It was Hell, I was thinking that the food would suck. Would I be eating icky icky insects, slimy macaroni salad, gross-ass gabagool [capicola, terrible tater tots, escargot, you know, food that tastes like shit. I approached a couple of lines and I finally found the one I was looking for!

Me: Hey, do we get something to eat on this line?

Old Man: Yes.

Me: How long is it?

Old Man: About twenty minutes, you will see the food when we go down the slope.

I pushed ahead of him in line and went down the slope, and there was the food I was looking for! It looked good from where I was at; I started to get excited! Then I was yanked back into the line. This man was taller and stronger than me; he must have died in his prime.

Strong Man: Hey, don't be a dick.

Me: Are you trying to start something?

Strong Man: Look, you don't look like a kid that starts shit. Don't start, you will only make things worse for yourself.

He was dressed pretty casually wearing a T-shirt and jeans. I wonder how he died. He probably died ten years ago. It looked like I had another five minutes, so I decided to talk to him

Me: What do you eat here?

Strong Man: Anything you want, you haven't been here before?

Me: Just died.

Strong Man: Oh. … Welcome to the club. … The Judge was a dick.

I laughed, I guess. I quickly tried to resume the conversation.

Me: If you can eat anything, what's the catch?

Strong Man: There is no catch, God forbid everything does not suck in Hell!

Me: So how did you die?

Strong Man: That's the most common ice-breaker.

Me: So how?

Strong Man: I drove buzzed…

Me: Well, shit.

Strong Man: I drove drunk! What, you never drove drunk?

Me: I drank, but in school I learned that if you drink and you drive, you die and kill people.

Strong Man: That's not the worst part.

Me: What was it?

Strong Man: The other car hit me! If I was sober, I could've avoided it! Could have. Died minutes afterwards. It could be worse.

It was finally the Strong Man's turn in line.

Strong Man: Watch this.

There was the cafeteria in front of my eyes. It reminded me of a Roy Rogers off the turnpike. Hell, it was better! There was fried chicken, sushi, ice cream, cake, hot dogs (like the ones they sell in New York City), pupusas, lo mein, chicken pot pies, popcorn shrimp, Red Lobster biscuits, my mom's manicotti, White Castle sliders, the Outback Steakhouse brownie, clementines, Pizza Hut pizza, Full Moon pizza, the split Steak 'n Shake milkshake, chocolate bars, root-beer floats, sesame noodle-bowls from Trader Joe's, mozzarella sticks, hot pretzels… anything you could have wanted that was not too pricey! Since there was so much food, you had to walk a while to get to the cashier.

Meanwhile, I saw people run off the line and grab some pieces of food and run away from the cafeteria. People screamed because this was slowing down the line as the devils stopped serving the food to yell at them. The devils were dressed with chef hats and aprons. You could see their bare-asses behind the apron while the Demon-Chicks wore more scanty aprons (that appeared more promiscuous).

The Strong Man approached a Demon-Chick with that that was serving steaks. I was listening to the conversation, but I did not see what was going on since I was staring at her cleavage.

Strong Man: Hey girl, you have the steaks rare like I like them?

Demon-Chick: You got what you see here.

Strong Man: Do you have an 18-ounce Prime Rib, rare, with au-jois?

Demon-Chick: Not here, let me go to the back. (She turned back and started screaming where the chefs must have been) Hey assholes! Prime-rib, diamond-rare, 18 ounce, au jois! Quick you assholes, people are waiting!

The Strong Man had a smirk on his face while people started throwing temper tantrums because they were now waiting even longer! I thought that someone was going to attack me (not the Strong Man!) for holding up everyone. Then all of the sudden, someone cut me in line. He was yelling maniacally as he approached the metal tray holding garlic-mashed potatoes. The devil serving the potatoes acted as if nothing was wrong.

Devil: How much mashed potatoes do you want?

Man: I want the whole THING!!!

He lifted the tray out of the buffet as the chef devils were screaming at him. It was burning his hands, but he was used to such pain. He then screamed to another person.

Man: God damn asshole!

He then hurled the hot garlic-mashed potatoes at some guy who must've been his enemy. The person wiped some of the potatoes off himself, tasted it, and then the two started killing each other. The man then stabbed his hand below the victim's ribcage, ripped out his pancreas and intestines, killing him. The person then rematerialized as his dead body laid oozing on top of the mashed potatoes. After this, the combat resumed. The line was entertained while Strong Man was getting his steak, so the heat was now off me.

I thought that Hell had relatively good service so far, but I was pushed off the line and ahead of the Strong Man. The person must've grown too impatient. She could have just told me to move, because I was not going to have steak anyway. I didn't quite feel up to exacting revenge and restoring my street cred, I mean, honor, so I walked to the chef devil serving the fried chicken. I got three pieces of chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and thirty-two ounces of Pepsi. Since I was in Hell, I also grabbed a cookie-dough pie, a slice of pumpkin pie, and a chicken pot pie. Might as well! During this, I noticed a Jewish woman behind me talking to a man nearby what looked like cooked meat. I noticed that they had pretty nice food on their trays, like fried shrimp, grilled chicken, steamed vegetables, you know, nice food. They were picking at what was on their trays while speaking with nasally Flushing accents.

Jew-Man: I can't stand when people eat the human meat, it's disgusting! I have been here for one-hundred years and I never ate that shit!

Jew-Woman: You never have? You should try it!

Jew-Man: No, it's sick!

Jew-Woman: Not really. It's not that bad! It's not like you will be sent to Hell again for it!

Jew-Man: You know what? You're right! You only die once! Ha ha! (He takes a bite) Not bad! (He then pours human au-jois onto his meat.)

Now, I was busying myself with the chocolate bars near the cash register when the Strong Man passed me holding a plate of steak and potatoes with a large mug of beer.

Strong Man: If this is Hell… What's Heaven like? Ha ha ha!

He talked to the cashier for a second and then went to a table alone and smiled while eating his food. I now was ready to purchase my food, or whatever the hell you do with it. I looked at the cashier and asked him a question.

Me: Uh. How do I pay, what do I do?

Cashier: I just take a long time to give you change.

Me: But I have no money to give you.

Cashier: It doesn't matter. I just take a real long time to give you change anyway.

I had a big smile on my face. I was going to eat, hang with Loki later, laugh at the sinners, bang demon-chicks, this was great! I then saw some guy dressed with only a rag around his crotch. He stared at me. I stared backed at him. He was a majestic old man with lines defining his face, and a look in his eyes that reflected the wisdom he had acquired over the years. His hands grasped around a jagged wooden staff, which he moved incessantly. I was drawn into by how different, yet wonderful this man from the past was.

Me: What the fuck do you want?

He exchanged a cold stare and quickly flipped my tray of food over right from my hands! He did not crack a smile. He did not even look satisfied! He shot a threatening gaze, walked into my shoulder, and went his way. I stared at my food on the ground and knew I had to get back on line.

Me: I guess that's why they call it Hell!

Chapter IV: Friends Like These

Forgive me, but at the time I thought Hell was a great place! I have been in Hell for weeks now and I have never enjoyed myself this much since I was a young child. I ate when I wanted to, I fucked demon-chicks when I wanted to, and sometimes I pushed people around in Hell because I knew I could. I had that blue armband and I knew I had privileges, and Loki seemed to be giving me the green light to do as I pleased. As time passed though, I was spending less and less time with Loki, as he always told me, he was a "really buseh guy" and had important "mattuhs" to attend to. Nonetheless, I felt as if almost I was without an equal in Hell. I mean, I started feeling powerful. I knew other people with the blue armbands existed but I never seen one besides that gameshow host.

Despite having more fun than ever, being without an equal was bugging me a bit. I liked the power, but Loki was really busy. The devils relatively polite nice to me, but they simply had little concern for human people. In reality, I wanted friends like I had on Earth. I decided to talk to Loki in his office about this. When I walked in, he was speaking on the phone with a serious tone...

Loki: Yes, yes, mm-hm. I know the budget is a little tight, but we are paying the interest on-time. Yes, we could simply restructure the loan because there is a shortage and I need to get that brimstone right now if you know what I mean… Uh, it's not economical but we need it… Whateva man! Who needs ya money anyway, ya mama is burnin' in Hell right now! I'll have a bunch of my men sodomize her, she'll squeal like the little bitch she is! Ya don't know who ya fuckin' with! … Oh yeah? Fuck you too!

I started taking a step back or two as Loki angrily slammed down the phone. He looked mad—real mad. Then he saw me. His face lit up like the whole conversation never happened.

Loki: Oh hey James! Howya doin'?

Me: Good, good. Anyway, who were you on the phone with?

Loki: Don't worry man! It was no-one! Say, I'll skip work and we can play War or somethin'!

Since Loki was the closest thing I had to a friend right now, I played War with him. I mean, I was growing to love him.

Loki: One, two, three, WAR! Holy shit man, I win again. I'm awesome!

Me: The two of hearts beats a jack?

Loki: Jacks are Jack shitty when deuces are wild! Ya know the rules! Now let's play Guess Who man!

Me: Wait a minute wait a minute. I just want to talk. I want to talk about friends.

Loki: No man, talkin's for fags! Dudes just piss, shit, fuck, and cruise with their buddies for chicks.

Me: No seriously, my friends and I talked to each other. I mean, we were not homos or anything, normal people do that.

Loki: Whateva girlfriend, what do you want me to hear?

Me: Okay. On Earth, when I was alive, I had _friends_. I hung out with them after school and we'd talk during class. We done things together, we shared things together, we wouldn't cry and talk emotions like girls or anything most of the time but you know, we'd talk guy-stuff.

Loki: Your friends are all dead and stuff, most of them gotta be here somewhere.

Me: Do you know where they are?

Loki: How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not God or somethin'!

Me: So, is there a way to make new friends? It's really hard to try to make friends down here. People literally stab each other in the back.

Loki: First, ya gotta know who to hang out with. Ya can't just waltz down heuh being all dead n' stuff and say (he impersonated my voice awfully, in fact he simply used a different voice of his), "Well hey guys, let's be friends. Let's go… Let's go to the Friday night Football game and look at skirts from under the bleachers." Hell's a rough n' tumble place man, Hell's supposed to suck.

Me: But you said, "Only you can make Hell suck" and how people make their own hell. I want to make Hell kick ass.

Loki: Well, maybe you can hang out with the Brownshirts.

Me: Brownshirts? Who are they?

Loki: They are the humans with the special privileges down heuh, almost like you! I tell 'em what to do and they do it. They'll boss people around in Hell and even torture people for themselves and for me! They love me! They think I'm God or somethin'. To me they are all little douchebags, but it's great to have pawns to shove around. Hey! Let's play chess man, I claim white!

Me: Wait wait wait, douchebag is a gender specific term for women. Women are douchebags and men are scumbags.

Loki: Don't go all existential on me! Everyone is dirt in Hell, no matter how much powa they think they have.

Me: You mean, I'm just dirt?

I thought seriously about it, so did Loki, I think. Maybe I had to know that I was just as unimportant as anyone else. I did not know yet how knowledge of this had any possibility to help me, but I thought about it.

Loki: … Uh, no way! I love ya man! You're so cool and we're buddies n' stuff!

Me: Cool! (Now I thought I was the man again) Can I meet these Brownshirts, just to see what they are like?

Loki: Sure! They're everywhere down here in Hell! You could be sippin' some New Coke at the local burger joint, or uh… cruisin' 'round in your Omni with E5C4P3 on the tape player or somethin' and bam! There they are, they're everywhere!

Me: Really? Great! I'll see you Loki, later nucka!

Loki ignored me and as I started sprinting away I overheard this:

Loki: What does my post-it say… Hmmm, it's time for Simon Snyder's "appointment." I'd hate to be late, heh heh heh.

It must've been another Simon Snyder. Loki would never lie to me! So, I arrived to the same old Hell-Cafeteria and looked around for a restaurant. For a second I saw that ancient guy who wore the loincloth, and because there were no devils nearby to protect me, I walked closer to the line where the people are served food. All of a sudden a hand grabbed me—

Strong Man: Hey, how are you? It's nice to talk to a guy who isn't trying to stab me!

Me: Oh, good, good. I was looking for the Brownshits.

Strong Man: Oh, those guys. They're dicks, but they have a real awesome restaurant I hear. You know, the kind where someone doesn't shove a dinner knife in your abdomen while you drinking a cold one. Speaking of cold ones, let's get some booze.

Devil-Chef: Drinks guys?

Me: I'll have Red Bull and vodka, and my man will have a beer.

Devil-Chef: We have beer and vodka. Nothing fancy. So do you want vodka?

Me: No, vodka tastes awful, you got to mix it. Give me a beer, light beer.

Devil-Chef (speaking to people who prepared the drinks): Guys, we need a beer and a watered down one!

Strong Man: When you get older, you'll like a nice dark beer instead of that piss.

I was embarrassed that he was implying that I was naïve.

Me: No, I just like light beer more. As long as it gets you drunk!

Strong Man: Amen. I went to college to learn that!

Me: What did you major in?

Strong Man: Oh, I dropped out. I was making more money doing heating and air-conditioning anyway.

Afterward we sat down and were enjoying our brews.

Strong Man: Ahhh, nice and cool.

Me: It's warm...

Strong Man: As long as it's not boiling, it's Hell you know. All things considered, Hell's not that bad.

Me: Yeah, I'm having a hell of a time!

Strong Man: Hell yeah! Well anyway, I remember when I was first sent to Hell from the Judge, I was like, "Oh shit, this is going to suck!" Then I realized if you know the right people and avoid some trouble, it's pretty damn good. I mean, I got booze, food…sleeping is a problem because people can't wait to kick you when they find out where you find a place to doze off…

Me: I never thought of that. I just sleep at Loki's castle.

Strong Man: You know Loki? That ass has it in for me!

Me: No, he's a nice guy when you get to know him. He can be a little short with you when he's busy.

Strong Man: Really? He dices me and shit all the time. Hell, let's not think of the bad things. So you sleep at the castle? What's it like?

Me: Oh, I eat dinner with Loki and fuck his demon-chicks…

Strong Man: Nice! No luck for me man.

Me: So wait, what's your sleeping situation?

Strong Man: I get my fair share of pussy.

Me: No, no. I mean "sleep."

Strong Man: Well, first I just tried not sleeping. After a week, I knew that was impossible, so I just tried finding hiding places to sleep. No dice, people found me and kicked the shit out of me. Then I tried making deals with other people around here like, "I stay awake for two hours while you sleep and then I sleep. Let's make sure no one kills us while we're sleeping." However, after a while, the ass breaks the deal. You can't trust ANYONE around here. I mean, waking up tied up so that dick can buttfuck you sucks!

Me: Shit!

Strong Man: Don't worry, I have a plan. I just got a job working in the brimstone mines. I'll be doing the ventilation.

Me: Why, is it real hot?

Strong Man: Yeah, and they want it even hotter! But hey, a job's a job. I was thinking of going to Hell U to become a Brownshirt, but college sucks. That's why I took the job. Anything worth having down here costs money. You know, I want to buy a car and see what else Hell has to offer.

All of the sudden a glasses clad individual tapped my shoulder.

Guy with glasses: You know Loki? Personally?

Me: Well, yeah, look at my blue armband. Who are you?

Guy with glasses: Who me? I'm Hector, I'm a Brownshirt. See my armband? Who are you?

Me: James. Oh, I've seen you guys before.

Remember, they're the guys with the black armbands I talked about earlier.

Hector: Yeah, we've worked hard to make sure that those sinners get punished. Loki let us attend Hell U because of our talents. We're an integral part of this system. Man, no one can touch us without getting a devil on their ass. Watch this!

He was about to hit the Strong Man with the handle of his whip, but I told him, "No, too many good men have died."

Hector: Huh?

Me: Uh, I heard it in a movie or something. Leave this guy alone.

Hector: What are you doing with him? You have a blue armband! Come to the Red Latern with me! Only us Brownshirts can go there. It's got the finest drinks and foods you can't get at the cafeteria.

Me: Well, I was—

Strong Man: No, we were just finishing. You know where to find me, tell me what it's like.

Hector then slapped his hand on my back and said, "Come, let me show you to it!"

He led me to a door on a side of a cave with a red lantern on it. He opened the door and inside was a nicely decorated and classy looking restaurant that looked like it belonged to the 1930s.

Hector: Let me get us a table.

As he went up to talk to the demon-chick who was the hostess, I started looking at the art on the wall. They were mostly landscapes of Hell like one that looked like a majestic Grand Canyon of flames, fields of fire, firey forests, a tranquil lake of fire…There were other pictures too. One was of a snake giving two people an apple…hey there was one of Mao! The one picture that stuck out the most looked like a Picasso painting I saw in my textbook that was about the Spanish Civil War.

Hector: Hey, I found out that some friends of mine are here, what are you looking at?

Me: That Picasso painting.

Hector: Painting? Those are all real pictures. Come on.

Demon-Chick Hostess: Come on, I'll show you to your stupid friends.

Me: Gee, that's not very professional!

Demon-Chick Hostess: Shove it dickwad, we're fucking busy here.

Hector: Oh, we're so sorry! (Whispers) James, shut up, do you want to be kicked out and have to eat with the rest of them?

As I was walking to the table with them, I noticed that Brownshirts were of all ages, but mostly men. They tended to stick with their own age group, time, and ethnicity. When we sat down, Hector said proudly, "Hey, I found James here…He KNOWS Loki."

Brownshirt #2: Cool!

Brownshirt #3: Man, Loki hates your guts, on the other hand he likes how I—

A demon-chick waitress approached, chewing gum.

Demon-Chick Waitress: What'ya guys want to drink?

Me: Oh, can I have a Red Bull with vodka in it?

Hector: No, no! He'll have a fine gin and tonic with a lime like the rest of us! Trust me James, you can't get that anywhere else.

We then ordered our food and I noticed that the silverware and glasses were dirty. In fact, the service was awful.

Me: Where's our drinks?

Brownshirt #3: Shhh, don't piss them off. We have an _in_ unlike most of everyone here.

A demon-chick waitress came by our table with a pitcher of water and poured ice cold water all over a Brownshirt's crotch, missing his glass by "mistake." At first, he looked embarrassed.

Brownshirt #3: Uh, you see that? (He lifted his half full cup of ice water) You can't get ice cold water ANYWHERE!

Brownshirts [in unison: Yeah!

I was looking around the restaurant and peered into the kitchen.

Demon-Chick Waitress: She wants us to be lighter on the oil?

Waiter-Devil: It's fuckin' Hell, I mean, fuck the oil! But hey, check this out!

Both of them crouched a bit. The waiter had a dinner knife and put it between his butt-cheeks. The knife then had some shit on it now. The waitress started laughing and laughed louder when he spread it on a slice of bread. They got up and headed towards our table.

Waiter-Devil: Ahem. (holding in chuckles) More bread folks?

Brownshirt #2: No, that is not necessary, we are just waiting for our meals thank you very much!

Waiter-Devil: Have another complementary loaf of bread, we insist!

The waiter put the bread right on the table. The demon-chick waitress presented one of the Brownshirts with the slice of bread with the shit smeared on it. The Brownshirt was afraid to disappoint both of the devils.

Demon-Chick Waitress: What, you don't like eating here anymore? You think the food everyone else has is better?

Brownshirt #4: Of course not! Nutella on bread? Thank you! (He took a bite, swallowed it, and grimaced slightly) Thanks, it's really good. It's so thoughtful of you because we don't usually have Nutella on our bread!

The waiter and waitress left.

Hector: She got you good man!

Brownshirt #3: Loser!

(Trying to save face) Brownshirt #4: No man, it was just a joke…It's cool.

More time passed and we still no food or drinks. Hector decided to tells us how cool he was by talking about trying to score with girls…

Hector: You know, it's not the kill, it's the thrill of the chase.

Brownshirt #2: You're just too much of a pussy to have your way with them.

Hector (speaking quickly): No, no! I mean, I love it when she gives me that little glance and I get excited, and I talk, she talks, I pretend I have something important to do. I talk with you guys and look all cool chilling out and laughing, and give her little glances. After a while, I stop, she looks at me. I keep laughing it up with you guys. I come back to her, she's coming, I'm going, I don't know if I'm coming or going... It's the tease, the flirtation, the anticipation—It's all about the game man, it's all about the game!

At this point the food finally came, but still no drinks. We all received fine cuisine, like filet mignon, flounder, and the like. But it was cold, and flakey…

Brownshirt #3: I asked for mine well done!

Demon-Chick Waitress: Yeah, sure.

She picked up his plate and "by mistake" allowed the steak to slip onto the floor. She grabbed the steak and put it back on the plate. I got up to get a Red Bull and vodka at the bar and noticed the devils spitting on the food in the kitchen, wiping their snot on some guy's steak, pissing in the soup…I think I saw one putting splooge in the salad dressing. I walked back to the table slightly disgusted after having a drink at the bar.

Brownshirt #3: Man, at least they cooked my steak this time. It was warm unlike yours! Plus, I think they put some salty glaze on the top.

Brownshirt #2: Nice, moist towelettes! Beats the bloody water you have to clean your hands with out there.

Brownshirt #4: Damn right!

They opened the packages and barbeque sauce oozed out.

Brownshirt #4: Not again!

After some time passed…

Hector: Guys, this place is the best! You know how much girls I take here—

Demon-Chick Waitress: Here's your bill.

Hector: Uh, guys, let's split it…

We left and the Brownshirts invited me to see their "friends" and what they do every day.

Hector: Hey James, we usually crack babies' heads open here…oh, here's the resident devil. Hey man!

Devil: Do I know you?

Hector: Sure, remember that time you held down that red head and we—

Devil: Buzz off shit brick.

Hector: Ha ha, funny one man!

Devil: Whatever.

Brownshirt #2: Look, a few humans are ganging up on one of us!

They ran over and overpowered the rebelling humans, helping their fellow Brownshirt and beating them into bloody pulps.

Brownshirt #4: Praise Loki! I am living the dream guys. I always thought Hell would be better than Heaven, because the people there would be a lot like me. I think all those Iron Maiden concerts I went to finally paid off. I'm living the dream!

Brownshirt #2: Damn straight. Who wants to share and act like you're in Church 24/7? Church, Heaven? It's about control. I'll take freedom in Hell over slavery in Heaven any day of the week!

Hector: That's what those holy rollers don't get.

A devil then pushed Hector into a shallow fire pit. After he was done screaming, he rematerialized while climbing out.

Hector: Man, at least we don't have it as bad as everyone else.

Brownshirt #3: Hector, they never do that to me! They hate you.

Hector: No, no they don't. They do that to you too.

Brownshirt #2: Oh, not this again. We're better off than all of the plebeians, isn't that good enough?

Brownshirt #3: No, I'm not some average Brownshirt! I'll be working in Loki's castle, just wait and see. I'll prove myself.

Hector: Yeah, we're better than most of them! We punish way more sinners in our time. We don't fear getting hit back! Look, sinners congregating. Let's get them!

They dashed off to continue their work and I wondered why Loki hated them so much when they were so eager to take part in justly punishing the sinners. As I was thinking this, Hector was tripped over by one of the Brownshirts and his glasses fell off his face.

Hector: Shit! Where's my glasses, I'm blind without my glasses!

Devils, demon chicks—even Hector's friends were laughing hysterically. Hector looked embarrassed and whipped the guy who tricked him. A full blown fist fight broke out. All of the sudden, I felt the ground shaking. Was it a hell-quake? I turned around and saw it was merely Loki running towards me.

Loki: Oh man, did you see that? That was fuckin' funny! Come on, drop these dorks, I got a whole bag of marbles, we're playin' for keeps!

Me: Uh, how do you see? You don't have any pupils!

Loki: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Chapter V: Happy Hellodays

One thing I thought about seriously in Hell was the cultural impact of someone from Earth being thrust into the underworld. I mean, you must be wondering, "Do we take anything from Earth and bring it to Hell?" While humans do not quite bring the "gold" with them back from Earth, people do try to continue their culture in Hell.

People in Hell generally interact with people from their own time and ethnicity. I mean, Hell's not a Chevrolet commercial. People generally try to stick with people they know from their own time. I mean, you will see Native Americans with Native Americans, ancient Persians with ancient Persians, hippies with hippies, and etcetera. I usually came into contact with people like me—dead humans from the last twenty years, I guess. Though we still beat the living crap out of each other because it is Hell after all, we simply stick to our own kind—even if it means feeling more comfortable beating the crap out of "our own" over starting something with those shifty eyed ancient Egyptians. Who knows what they're capable of! Try as some people may, attempts to keep traditions intact in Hell are overall fruitless because people, Brownshirts, or devils ruin it. This is why people in Hell are uncultured.

Nonetheless, one memorable aspect of Hell is the fact that people still celebrate holidays. On Halloween, you will see people dress up, party, and trick-o- treat. On Easter, you will see people eating tons of ham and having scavenger hunts. On Ramadan, you can see Muslim dudes starving themselves, and on Christmas, you get presents! Well because it's Hell, you still have to buy them!

It was a week until Christmas and I did not start my shopping yet! I knew I had to buy all the devils, demons, Brownshirts, and Loki gifts. If I didn't I'd look like a thoughtless prick.

I had to go to the mall to get everyone gifts. The malls in Hell are a lot like the malls on Earth. They are full of young people like me and people panicking to find a gift. Christmas music played incessantly in the background, though they were doing this since September. I was pretty excited to shop, because I had a blue armband and I was able to really max-out my Hell-creditcard. It's not like I had to pay it back. I was struggling with what gifts to get and for whom—what sucked was that most of us didn't need anything. As I was stressing out, I walked past an arcade.

Me: Cool, I haven't seen one of those since I was 5!

So I went right for the ATM, got cash, and played videogames for five hours. After that, I went back to work. No great ideas came to my head and the stores were going to close, so I rushed when it came to getting gifts. I got some lingerie for the Demon-Chicks to try out for me, I got Loki the most expensive box of chocolates in the store, and I bought some goofy Christmas gadgets for the devils I knew around the office.

Sadly, all the gadgets were social justice oriented. One such gift I bought was the "Christmas Fir Tree." It sang all the basic Christmas carols about Santa, getting gifts, and all that cool stuff, but it was a real downer when it warned you that the world could be out of trees by 2010. At least its stump was made of real hickory! I also bought a sweet-ass Frosty that had some neat ice, but it warned me about the dangers of Freon. Lastly, I bought an awesome singing Penguin. It was funny and cute but it sang the song "Sleigh Ride" with these words:

"You gotta stop the global warming it's all going to kill us and things,

You must buy hybrids and vote a Democrat in the west wing,

'Cause one day we'll all die so I'm going to warn you again,

Don't forget to warn people about global warming with a singing penguin…"

Great purchases. Sure, it scares kids, but they have to learn how to protect the environment somehow I thought. So, I was about to get onto an empty line, but then some couple buying their kid Christmas gifts rudely rushed in front of me.

Husband: FINALLY we got everything we needed. This will make Junior feel so much better! He really wanted that singing penguin. We went EVERYWHERE for that piece of crap! Junior really needs it.

Wife: Yeah, he hasn't been the same since that bomb went off killing all of us.

Husband: I would rat on McKinney again if I had the chance!

Wife: Hey look, it's snowing outside.

It was snowing ash…how beautiful.

Old woman on other line: That's rare, it snows so much less than it used to.

Old man with her: Yeah, you used to be able to go rock skating on that magma lake out there this time of the year.

Husband: Who the fuck asked you old man?

Old man: What did you say?

Husband: You're going to fuck with me? (Throws man to the ground)

Old man: If it's the last thing I do, I swear to fucking God, I'm going to kill your kid!

Wife: Oh my God, we have to go to the Brownshirts!

Husband: No, let him try, I'll fuck him up…

At that moment someone grabbed the penguin out the carriage and started running out the door with it.

Husband: You MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Yelling and commotion broke out as people started shoving each other out of their places in the line. Suddenly…

Some guy wearing an old-timey hat: I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!

Some guy (with the hat) then attacked the husband, then a few people got in the middle of that. All of the sudden a riot broke out and the looting began. I just ran the hell out with all my stuff.

Remember, it's Hell…On Christmas Eve, Loki, the Brownshirt gang, and I ate 7 different fish during a feast in his castle. Loki's dining room was decorated with wreaths and Christmas lights. Before we began, Loki was intent on saying grace.

Hector: Let's eat!

Loki: SHUT UP ASSHOLE! Guys, this is an important day, let's take this seriously 'n stuff. Uh, Jesus is in heaven but my kingdom is here, and uh my will is doneuh, um, I thank myself for this great feast of stuff cuz I really deserve it, and I swear I will not forgive the debts of all the sinnuhs and I will not let them be rescued neva, evuh! Cuz, I'm doin' a great job and thanks to me, we have all this stuff 'n shit to eat.

Brownshirts: SO BE IT, LOKI!

Loki: You better praise me, you're nothing!

Hector: We did a good job punishing the sinners! We locked up all the rioters at the mall!

Loki: Uh…So James, get prepared to be stuffed!

Brownshirt #2: Sir, what did you think of—

Loki: Shut up you fucking twerps! Eat in the hallway, get out of here! I only invited you so you can feel how bad it burns to be kicked out.

As they started walking out indignantly one quipped "it doesn't burn that much…"

Loki set him aflame and he instantaneously burned into ashes, so they ran into the next room.

Between fish, I brought the demon-chicks who served me upstairs so I can have my way with them. Between my fourth fish or so when I was bringing one of the demon-chicks up, one of the Brownshirts took me aside and said, "Thanks for asking Loki to invite us. No one gets to eat with Loki!"

Me: Just my way of thanking you for letting me eat with you guys at the restaurant! I like the Hell-Cafeteria, but half the time some dick knocks down my food and I have to get back on line.

Brownshirt #2: Uh, thanks and all, but can you share the wealth if you know what I mean?

The demon-chick grabbed a pike that was being held by a medieval knight armor that was next to the wall and shoved it in between his shoulder and neck. He screamed in agony and the other Brownshirts laughed.

Anyway, after 7 different fish and 7 different demon-chicks, I exchanged gifts with everyone but Loki (I was saving his gift for Christmas day). Sure, they were all unimpressed and looked disappointed with the singing and dancing Penguins, Trees, and that Santa who shook his groove thing, but they all said "thanks" and smiled of course. I was actually happy with my gifts, getting things like Rolexes, rings, HD TVs, Laptops, and other things that even my credit card couldn't get me in hell.

Loki: This puts me back into the Christmas spirit, let the twerps back in here!

They walked back in happily and handed me a bottle of Kristal as a gift. One of them opened it and poured me a glass. After I tasted it, I spat it out towards the Brownshirt who gave it to me. (To joke around and bust his balls.)

Loki: Nice one man!

All of us laughed happily. It felt like a great night for me.

On Christmas morning, I woke up in Loki's bed over his sheets. I was between his legs sleeping like a pet. Okay, I had a lot to drink, but Loki and I were getting close and it wasn't gay or anything, he "had no junk." Loki woke up all of the sudden and screamed, "Oh my God it's Christmas!!! Christmas kicks ass man!"

He leapt out of his bed and I was flung to the wall where I splattered. When my carcass hit the ground I rematerialized. It took me much longer to run downstairs than Loki. After five minutes I met Loki near the Christmas redwood tree. Conspicuously placed under the tree was Loki's gift. I handed it him and said, "Merry Christmas Loki!"

Loki: Oh my God man, praise Christ!

He peeled the wrapping with his fingernail.

Loki: Holy shit, fancy chocolates! My favorite! Oh! It's so decadent!

He flicked the big box of chocolate into his mouth, chewed once, and swallowed it.

Loki: Hey man, now it's your turn! Open it open it!

My box was HUGE! I was thinking it had to be an AT-ST walker or something. It just had to kick ass. I used a ladder to rip off the paper and even Loki helped me a bit. Inside was a giant box, Loki ripped the top of the box and inside there was another wrapped box. I took time to unwrap that box and inside… another wrapped box. Then wrapped another box, another wrapped box, another wrapped box… Over an hour passed and the Christmas spirit had left me. I stared at the Yule Log on Loki's TV and Loki screamed at me.

Loki: Oh come on! Ya no fun man! Christmas is awesome! There are only two more boxes! I guarantee it!

At this point I just had see what the fuck it was merely to satisfy my curiosity. I unwrapped two more boxes and inside there was a ring box…

Loki: Come on! Open it!

I looked at Loki with slight disgust, because a wedding ring would be pretty gay…I opened the hinge and noticed something I would never forget. Ten dollars.

Loki: HAHAHAHAHA! You had to see the look on your face man! It was priceless!

Chapter VI: Revenge Never Tasted So Sweet

I really think, looking back on it, that the sweet, sweet taste of revenge in Hell is indicative of what all of the good things in Hell taste like. It still was Christmas morning, and after Loki's prank, I was filled with the Christmas spirit again.

Loki: James, come to the kitchen, the hot chocolate is almost ready!

Me: Can you add a little coffee to it? I love mocha!

Loki: Oh James, it's just the way you like it!

I walked into the kitchen and Loki shot me an endearing smile.

Loki: Stove top hot cocoa-mocha with rainbow marshmallows!

Me: You left out the Breakfast Treats on the table!

Loki: Oh, I know they're your favorite! How are you enjoying Christmas in Hell?

Me: Oh, it's great. I don't have to act special because certain relatives are over or be dragged to church in the morning to hear some old guy yarn on about some crap.

Loki: Ha ha, they make Christmas the worst! What sort of crap does the priest say?

Me: Oh, something like "don't think God will forgive you for coming in only on Christmas. Every Sunday is Christmas! Where are you on Easter, Palm Sunday, Ash—" some shit.

Loki: Yeah, he's a fuckin' square man, just usin' you for the moneh.

Me: Yeah, it fucking sucks. All they do is suck my grandparents dry and scare them to keep paying or they go to Hell.

Loki: Well, as a wise-man once said, it's all just a "supermarket of salvation that guarantees instant glory." Do you get a money-back guarantee? Hell no! That ain't right!

Me: That ain't right.

Loki: Don't let those dicks ruin the Christmas spirit! Look at all the presents and hey, it's snowin' outside! Another volcanic eruption must've occurred, it's a Christmas miracle!

The sight was so beautiful, I decided to go outside and smell the aroma that only exists during an ash snow. As I was taking my stroll, I saw some people exchanging gifts. They brought Christmas to Hell, what a Christmas miracle! I saw the husband and wife from the store handing their child a gift.

Child: Santa gives gifts even when you're in Hell?

Husband: Uh, yeah! Bad boys get a lump of brimstone, good boys get a gift. Just don't ask Santa who he had to kill to get it.

Child: Oh…okay.

Wife: Open your gift! (child opens it)

Child: WHOA! YYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!! YES! YES! YES!!! Stop-the-Global-Warming Penguin! This is the best! Thanks mommy, thanks daddy!

The sight was so beautiful. It brought me back to the days when I got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. I was never so excited. I never got such a rush. It was one of the happiest days of my life, giving me a high that no chemical ever provided. That good feeling was something I could not find encapsulated in my partying, hook-ups, my car—absolutely nothing beat it. There is something magical about Christmas morning. The anticipation of getting gifts, eating all your favorite food, your parents trying to make everything just right. If everyday would be like Christmas, it would seem like Heaven on Earth.

As the child was ecstatically jumping around holding his Penguin, the old man from the store grabbed him and snapped his neck.

Wife: You fucking piece of shit!

Husband: You son of a bitch!

The wife swung her fist and he ducked. He then grabbed her and threw her while she was off-balance into an adjacent fire pit. The husband landed a punch and pinned the old man onto the ground. The old man had a dagger in his boot and stabbed the husband in the stomach. Afterward, he pushed him into the fire pit. As the husband and wife were remarterializing and dying one time after another while being stuck in the pit, the child in fear asked the old man to let him go.

Old Man: Forget about your parents, they might not get out in a million years. I got my revenge and restored my honor for the wrongs done to me. Get out of my face.

The child ran through a crowd which during this time amassed to see the revenge in action. The old man straightened his shoulders and held his head high, and extended a cold stare towards the onlookers. He started walking towards them and they parted almost miraculously.

Onlooker #1: Get out of the way, he just dusted that man.

Onlooker #2: You got it homes!

I ran to the old man and asked, "Why did you do that? Why did you not forgive the husband and wife for being jerks?"

Old Man: Hell's a tough place. You can't be meek if you want to live. You need to be proud and uphold your honor. Nothing is sweeter and commands more respect than just revenge.

Me: That makes sense, it was just.

I decided to go to Hell-Cafeteria and pay my friend the Strong Man a visit. We met up, got some Christmas Ham and beer, and made merry. After our meal I told him I was going to stop by the Red Lantern and check out the scene there.

As I stood up, I collided into that majestic old man with the filthy rag around his crotch. I then heard him talk for the first time.

Ancient Adversary: Watch where the FUCK you're going dipshit! Stop getting in my fucking way.

He then pushed me and I lost my balance, falling onto the table. I heard guffawing and people mocking me. Calling me a coward. I looked at the Strong Man for help, but I was able to tell that I had to fight my own battles or I would be perceived as weak. Even the Brownshirts were standing by, waiting to see what would happen.

Random onlooker: The ones with the blue armbands never fight back! The wimps need them!

I heard piercing laughs from the Brownshirts, Hector's especially.

Hector: He needs the armband because he can't be one of us!

Another onlooker: Go hide in Loki's castle boy!

The majestic old man then hit me with his staff between my neck and shoulder, forcing me to scream in pain.

Ancient Adversary: Come on you little piece of shit, call the demons to your protection and add to my honor!

I glanced at the onlookers eyes and saw the reverence they had for this man. They feared him, though his physical might was not as great as many. I knew he was not too strong for me, but I feared him—he had an air around him. Instinctually, I felt like I should take it. Then I thought, fuck it. There are alpha wolves and beta wolves, and the only thing that separates alpha from beta is deciding to lead the wolf pack.

I stood up and leaned over a few inches away from his face.

Ancient Adversary: You want to start shit with me again kid? Are you tired of being whipped?

Me: You can be my enemy and I don't care.

The crowd loved my defiance and so the man took a swing at me. He hit me, but I grabbed his arm, pulled it behind his back, and grabbed him by his hair. I then kept slamming his head against the table until he stopped resisting. As he was spitting out teeth and blood—people expected the death blow. Instead I started dragging him.

Ancient Adversary: Where the fuck are you going you piece of shit!

I then threw him into a nearby fire pit, one so deep that he would be unlikely to escape for some time. The onlookers were almost disgusted by my lack of mercy. They started blinking quickly as I turned around and pierced them with my gaze.

Me: You guys got a problem?

I felt that high, the sort of high I had when I got that Nintendo. The power, the respect, the fear, the accomplishment, the exhilaration—I never felt so alive. Never did I taste something so sweet. All of the sudden, the crowd started parting as Hector and the Brownshirts starting mauling them to get out of the way.

Hector: James, you are the fucking man!

After I was congratulated on the spot, we celebrated at the Red Lantern and exchanged toasts regarding how bad I kicked his ass. After this, as I walked back to Loki's castle I heard people muttering "stay away from him" and "don't mess with that guy." I felt proud of myself, but somewhere in me I felt that I was wrong for exacting so much revenge.

Loki: Hey man, what girl did you rape? You look all messed up.

Me: No, I just got into a fight.

Loki: Did you kick his ass?

Me: Oh yeah.

Loki: Awesome! What happened?

Me: This guy kept giving me shit, and I kept doing nothing.

Loki: Man, you can't keep getting slapped in the face, or they'll knee ya in the nuts man. Give 'em an inch and they'll want a mile.

Me: Yeah, so I kicked his ass—

Loki: Yeah man!

Me: And then I dragged him to a cliff and threw him I into a fire pit where it will take him a real long time to get out.

For a second, Loki said nothing. Shit, did I go to far? Would Loki never respect me again?

Loki: Awesome man, he fuckin' deserved it!

Me: But, wasn't I excessive?

Loki: No man, you gotta do whatever it takes to get street cred 'round here. You can't just wait for the cops to solve your problems! You gotta take the law into your own hands man, the system's broke n' shit. How else does shit get done around here?

Me: Well, it felt good to give him what he deserved, and the respect is great.

Loki: Of course, you know if it feels good it has to be right! How else should you live life? Doing stuff that doesn't feel good? That's stupid! As a wise-man once said—

Me: Can't the wise-man play the fool?

Loki: Uh…nah.

Chapter VII: You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Chapter Is About You

I was surprised that people really cared about what others thought about them in Hell. I mean, I guess honor was important because it helped you avoid gang rape, but people cared about how they looked, how they dressed, even how they walked. You know, people even try to do a cool hell-walk in Hell? They put on makeup, they even try to put on a cool Hell voice. However, they are not as bad as the fame-seekers.

Hell is a pretty extreme place if you couldn't tell already, so there wasn't much that could be done to surprise people to make them remember you. So most people did physical stunts—anything to get attention.

Vain Man: You guys think that's crazy, watch this!

Random Onlooker #1: Are you just going to stick your dick into a pit of magma or try to jump 12 feet between two cliffs, only to fall to the bottom again?

Random Onlooker #2: Boring.

The vain man looked around, and the first thing he can think of was to start bashing his head open with a brimstone with a strange smile on his face.

Some people walked by and looked at him with the corner of their eyes, but he got no attention! Afterward he collapsed only to rematerialize a defeated man.

I then saw a bunch of Hollywood actors and actresses trying to put on a show. Some people remembered who these guys were, as they had died recently, so they started watching. All of the sudden a random fire ball blew up an onlooker, so people started walking away, caring about their own safety. People were too worried about themselves to give a crap about the Hollywood nonsense.

Fat Man: We have to turn this up a notch if we're going to get this show on the road!

They then began conducting sexual acts with each other, and this got some people's attention once more. But, then they started staring at me! All of the sudden, I felt as if the shadow of death came over me.

Loki: Hey James what's goin' on. (picking his nose)

Me: I'm just letting it all soak in,

Loki: Oh, that's cool and shit. (flicking a booger)

The actors and actresses declared they were going to do a production that they were working on for years—Shakespeare's _Macbeth_. When they began, people were drawn in by the plot, the politics, and the sex they threw in. The celebrities in response were invigorated and were growing ever more dramatic. Just as the play was concluding…

Fat Man: _Behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head?_

All of the sudden everyone turned their heads and started watching a marvelous feat: Loki juggling fireballs mumbling a circus theme.

Loki: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, dee dee…Whoa (just caught one from under his leg!), whoa!

People started clapping.

Loki: I am a magician! Can I have a volunteer? Uh, you!

A woman fearfully walked up.

Loki: I am going to saw her in half, and put her back togethuh!

Crowd: Oooh, ahhh!

Loki then sliced her open with a claw on his finger. She was screaming in pain all in the meantime. Then he tried spinning her back together.

Loki: C'mon…

No dice. So then Loki just crushed her in his hand and threw her behind his shoulder. She then just rematerialized behind him.

Loki: Tah dah! (crowd cheers) Turn your heads and I'll make this mountain disappear!

As he started grabbing the mountain in order to pull it out of the ground, the celebrities tried jumping off a nearby cliff to get everyone's attention, but to no avail. It doesn't matter who you think you are on Earth. You're nobody in Hell.

Chapter VIII: Loki's Annual Meeting

Now I have been in Hell for almost a year and I was surprised how easy it was for me. I mean, I see all of these horrible things around me but with my blue armband, fist full of rings and three Rolexes, I seem to avoid torture and punishment all the time. However, Loki kills me once in a while, a devil may push me into a pit of fire, or some person shoves me around. It fucking hurts but it's Hell, you know? I have put myself in the routine of eating when I want, hanging out with Loki, banging demon-chicks, playing videogames, and pretty much doing anything. My life was like a weekend with a lot more sex…and carnage.

So, it nears the one-year point now and I have already witnessed people celebrating holidays in Hell. But, were there any _real_ holidays in Hell or was it the same thing every day for all of eternity? Since I was going to be here for a while, I really wanted to know. Loki told me that he had a major announcement to make later in the day so I waited in anticipation. And I waited, jerked off, played Monopoly with a few devils, and then I was told the announcement was imminent. I went outside and noticed a towering podium. Hordes of people stared up into the sky and witnessed Loki in his grandeur, raising his fist in the air before he began to speak.

Loki: A-hem, (echos, squeals, rings, and high pitches emitted from the non-existent speakers), testin', testin', one-two-three. Ehhh… The bombs are droppin' in five minutes.

People covered their ears due the awful resonance and volume of Loki's projected speaking. When the squealing stopped, they surrounded him.

Loki: Okay. Hey guys, I got an important announcement to make n' stuff! I announce, my infinteth annual Hell-Meeting will take place in the Loki S. Devell amphitheater on the annual holiday. On the agenda is increased tortcha, increased pain-uh, more fiya, and a special announcement for all those who attenduh! Also concerns about the brimstone shortage will be addressed. It will be the most important annual meeting eva in the history of Helluh! You will regret not attending, believe me! An opportuniteh as great as this only occurs only ONCE a year! Time's runnin' out, I would start goin'…

People waited, ready to sprint.

Loki: Now! Go! Go! You worthless assholes go, go! Stupid jack-offs, go go go!

Loki started throwing fireballs at the people, so they ran in all directions in a panic. They wanted to get to Loki's annual meeting first. I never heard of this annual meeting before and I was there for about a year, so I asked Loki why I this was so.

Loki: Never heard of it? We have been makin' preparations for months! Anyway, the last meetin' happened about a month before you got heuh!

Me: Is it worth it?

Nearby Brownshirt: Oh man, you better believe it's worth it. You gotta stay up to date with the goings on around here.

Loki: Yeah, what he said, it's gonna be all awesome 'n stuff!

I thought it sounded cool, so I asked Loki the fastest way to get there.

Brownshirt: Man, you can join our car-pool!

Loki: Car-pooling is for fuckin' fags.

The Brownshirt just walked away, trying to save face.

Me: So, what is the fastest way to the meeting?

Loki: Um, how do you think you could get somewhere really fast?

Me: Teleport… Uh, jet-plane.

Loki stared at me.

Loki: What are ya, stupid? There's no jet-planes in hell!

Me: Sea-plane? Airship? A car?

Loki: Yeah man! A car! You could drive like, really fast! Hey man, go to my castle and open my garage, I got ya something for your birthday.

Me: My birthday was five months ago!

Loki: Uh, I got something that can get you to my meeting REALLY fast! I know you'll love it James!

Me: Cool! What is it?

Loki: Can't ruin the surprise man! Time's a-wastin', I have to get to that meeting that guy was talkin' about. I'd hate to keep everyone waiting!

I just _knew_ that the garage would have some piece of shit like a Studebaker, a Model-T, or hell maybe a Roman chariot, but a devil used a remote to open Loki's garage and there it was. It was not a slick black Cadillac, but a shiny red Lamborghini Diablo.

Me: Hell kicks ass!

The devil-valet drove the car to me and let me enter the driver's seat. He opened his hand and waited for a tip. I slapped his hand five and said, "Oh shit dude! This is the best!" I pressed the gas and started going. Suddenly in Hell, I knew how to drive a manual transmission. People were running in all directions so I simply zoomed by the line with seemingly the most people on it. People stared enviously as I drove past them. Some people even pelted things at me, but since no one else there had such a car, I was on top of the world! Because I had absolutely no idea where I was going, I stopped by a Hell gas-station. The logo was a giant green silhouette of a brontosaurus that said "Sinclair" on it. Advertisements around the gas station said, "Jesus died for your sins, THEY died for your gas!" I parked near a gas pump and ordered a demon-chick gas attendant to fill 'er up. I went inside the C-Store to get some chocolate-bars, bags of chips, 20 ounce bottles of soda, and to ask for directions.

Cashier: You know, the 2 liters are cheaper than the 20 ouncers.

Me: Yeah I know, I want the 20 ouncer anyway.

I finished getting my things and I approached the cashier.

Me: Look, how do I get to Loki's annual meeting from here? I mean, how can I get there really fast before everyone else?

Devil-cashier: Wow, with wheels like that you could get there in no time! Just drive a mile down and get onto the interstate, go into the HOV lane and drive as fast as possible to exit 666. Whenever you see a fork in the road, take it and stay on the I-Can't Drive 55!

Me: Thanks that's a big help! Are there any service-areas along the way?

Devil-cashier: Yeah, tons of them! You can stop by Roy Rogers, Big Boy, or TCBY on the way there if you get hungry.

Basically, Hell was the New Jersey Turnpike.

Me: Sure, thanks man!

I left without paying and walked to my car. I slapped the gas-attendant's ass on the way and drove to the interstate. The gas attendant was right, it was the I-55! I was on the highway and I was speeding. I mean, I was cooking, I knew I was making great time! I looked out the window and saw factories, grayish swamps, fuel refineries—just like home! I even had a chuckle when I saw the cows eating beef again as I was driving. Soon, I actually noticed there were other cars. Other people were trying to get to the annual Hell meeting really fast too! I could not let them beat me! They did not dare enter the HOV lane. Eventually, a police-car lasered me and got my speed. I pulled over because I knew jail had to be REALLY bad in Hell. The police-officer asked me for my license and registration, noticed my blue armband, and then told me, "Nice car man!"

I drove for another two hours and I was all the way up to exit 612! At this point, I thought I could make it to the meeting in another hour or two. So, when I was hungry I decided to stop by a service-area and got some fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a hell of a roast beef sandwich. It was Roy Rogers you know. I went back onto the highway and then the unthinkable happened—there was a toll! The traffic began. I was bored out of my mind! People were honking and screaming at each other. Worst of all, the moron in my lane did not have EZ-Pass, and if he backed up he would get two points! Ach! I could not switch lanes immediately because it's Hell, no one lets anyone in! I started playing with my DS to pass the time. Finally, I was almost at the toll booth, but my EZ Pass wasn't up. I knew I had to have EZ-Pass somewhere in my car. I looked and looked, but to no avail.

Me: Fuck this!

So I drove past the toll without paying, giving the finger to the camera which was surely taking a picture of what was happening. Who cares if I get a ticket in the mail? I know people down here! The Brownshirts, Loki…I mean, as long as I am above the law, who cares if cameras are absolutely everywhere?

I was driving on my way to exit 666 and I continued through the merge on the I-55, noticing a sign saying that the George Washington Carver Bridge was coming in ten miles. The signs indicated that I could take the "Fort Lee" or something, local or the express…I then thought to myself, "Shit, I don't know where to go!" I went to the express, because express sounds really fast. I turned my XM on and all I could get was Imus, Opie and Anthony, and freakin' Heavy Metal. So instead I pounded my dashboard angrily.

At the beginning of the bridge, there was another toll that took even longer! When I finally made it onto the bridge, the traffic stood still! There was honking, screaming, and even road rage.

This initially entertained me and I waited in the car for over three hours, but the traffic did not advance. I thought to myself, "fuck it" and I started to walk. I started walking past all the cars, but the bridge was huge, so there were many miles to walk.

When I finally reached the middle of the bridge, I noticed why the traffic jam begun—a car accident occurred in the middle of the highway. It was the Strong Man.

Strong Man: Fuck, my car is wrecked! You know how long I had to mine brimstone to afford this?

Some guy: I don't fucking care, get that piece of shit car out of our fucking way.

Strong Man: I called my insurance company, they'll bring a tow truck, just be patient.

Some woman: We want to make the Hell-meeting on time, but the tow truck will not get here because of you!

Strong Man: Do any of you want to make something of it?

People were afraid of him, because he could hold his own in Hell. The Strong Man's eyes met mine and he was about to call me over, but then several Brownshirts climbed out of a nearby Ford Econoline.

Brownshirt: What seems to be the problem?

Some guy: Uh, sirs, uh, this man won't let us pass him.

Strong Man: I can't just throw my car over the bridge!

Another Brownshirt: We can do that.

A bunch of the Brownshirts pushed the car over the barrier, causing the car to fall into the river of magma. The Strong Man took swings at a couple of them, taking one out, but he was tasered and they threw him off the bridge as well. People cheered and the Brownshirts smiled.

Brownshirt: Thank you, thank you! (He punched a nearby woman in the stomach and then climbed back into the Econoline)

At this point I practically walked across the entire bridge and I was too far away from my car. I approached an old truck that said "Battaglia Landscaping" on it. I knocked on the window and after it rolled down, I asked the man inside it for directions.

Battaglia: What?

Me: Do you know where the hell I go next, uh, how I can get there faster, uh, are you going to Loki's annual meeting too?

Battaglia: Yes I am. I could take the train but, I do not want to give up my truck!

Me: Where is it?

He told me where it was and I had to walk another few miles to get there. Now I have walked for over four hours and I finally made it to the subway station. I jumped over the turnstile and waited for the next train. After all of this I was hungry, tired, exhausted, and everyone around me was as well. I knew they all wanted to go to Loki's annual meeting too. Finally a train approached and the doors opened. It was full of people already! Everyone pushed their way in, but I helped an old and crippled woman get inside the train instead. As I was inside, I looked for the priority seating and noticed two healthy and strong looking men staring at us indignantly. They would not give up one of the three seats they had for the old woman. The train slowly went to all the stops. I was bored and my legs were tired. Because I had nothing to do, I stared at people listening to I-Pods—even ancients who died thousands of years before I-Pods existed had them. Since I left my DS in the Lamborghini, I could not even cure my boredom with videogames. I had a blue-armband, I could have anything I wanted, and I had nothing. What agony!

After an half-hour the conductor announced on the loudspeaker that the train made the last stop. We got up from out of the train and now we were in a part of Hell that looked like the north Bronx. I saw the conductor leave the train and she was neatly dressed in her MTA (it's a mass-transit company) uniform. I asked her if I missed the Loki's annual meeting. She told me that I did not, and I had to look for the H-Line bus at Hellawn. I walked with lines of other people towards what must have been Hellawn. We went to the H-Line bus and it slowly went street-by-street. Hell, the damned thing went all the way south to Helldham to another train station! I was frustrated so I screamed at the driver, "This is just another subway!"

Driver-Devil: No it is not.

Me: I mean, it looks like a subway, it smells like a subway…

Driver-Devil: No, it's the Hell-Haven Line, the train takes you north to Hellford.

Me: Really? Thanks for the help!

I bought a New York Post and waited for the next train, The train was significantly less crowded,and after I entered I heard the conductor announce it was the "local towards Hellford." I rubbed my hands and waited—I was going to be at Loki's annual meeting soon! I read through the Post and after reading about projections of what the Hell-meeting would cover and controversy over Hell's latest trade agreement, I had nothing to do. I tried the Sodoku and halfway through it I realized why I never did them—who the fuck does math in their spare time for fun? After one and a half hours on the train, I was at Hellford, and I did not know where the hell to go next. I was standing there perplexed as people were taking different trains to different places. Maybe, they did not know where Loki's annual meeting either! I was now traveling for about a whole day, and I found a bench and went to sleep. I woke up with back pain and was as hungry as the time when I didn't know that the Hell-cafeteria existed. I asked people where to go next and no one was helping me! They even ignored me!

Man: I can't wait for this year's Hell meeting!

Woman: Yeah, I hear that Loki is really going to let us have it this year. Everyone's talking about it!

Man: I have to stay up to date on this! Are they going to run out of seats this year too? (…)

It was as if they wanted less people to accompany them to Loki's annual meeting so they would feel more special or something. I wished that horrible things would happen to them, I did! At this point I just rolled the dice and decided to take a bus to wherever. I figured I'd eventually make it to Loki's annual meeting. So from there, I took a series of bus trips to random cities in Hell. I had to take a whole day to go to each random place. Days, weeks, and months passed. I took busses, trains, cruises, flights (they were not jets mind you), and even a Hell-safari. Eventually, I was in the Hellmalayas and I had to walk past a series of mountains because no cars could pass! I was tired, and I was at the mercy of the few who gave me food. Now I was without Loki for like twelve months—I must have missed his annual meeting months ago! Eventually, I noticed a large trailer by chance. I was just deliriously going anywhere at this point and I was hoping I would be back with Loki. I thought to myself, "It can't be, it MUST be, Loki's office! I'm here I'm here! I made it all the way back!"

I walked into his office and noticed Loki sitting in his roller-chair doing paper work. He looked at me and he was delighted.

Loki: Hey James I haven't seen ya in a while! I thought you were dead or somethin'!

Me: Yeah, this was the hardest year in my life. I'm so tired, but I'm happy to be back here with you!

Loki: My pleasuh man! I love being with ya too!

Me: So, did I miss your annual meeting?

Loki: Hell no! It's actually beginning in two minutes!

Lucky me! I could not wait! I remembered Loki's advice that only you could make Hell suck. I made Hell suck for a year, but I thought I felt infinitely more satisfied now! I asked Loki if I could come to the meeting with him.

Loki: Sure, just follow me!

Loki got up and I followed him outside the office and then behind it.

Loki: Where were you all this time?

Me: I got lost.

Loki: Yeah man, it's too far away, it's inconvenient 'n shit.

After about fifteen minutes, I noticed the Loki S. Devell amphitheater sign and walked into the front row as Loki took the stage. A long hush came over the crowd as Loki began to speak in the microphone.

Loki: Uh… (Rings, echos, squeals, and other harsh noises came over the microphone!) Testin', testin', one-two-three. Long live Mexico, long live independence!

Everyone was completely silent. We stared at Loki and we waited for him to speak.

Loki: Ahem, welcome to the infitieth annual hell meeting! Last year, we addressed the issues of more tortcha, more fiya, and the brimstone shortage! This year, we will address new exotic forms of tortcha, the lava drought, …

"Fuck!" I thought, I missed the first damned meeting! This was next year's meeting! Or this year now…I can't believe I spent so much of my time in Hell just to go to this lousy meeting!

Loki: Oh ya betta believe it, if you thought Hell sucked last year it'll suck more this year! In fact, Hell is going to suck more than eva this year! I even ordered my minions to…

And so it went…Loki simply insulted all of us and guaranteed even worse torture than what everyone had before. People cowered in fear and a riot broke out. People were socking the living crap out of each other. Just another day, or… year in Hell.

Chapter IX: Runnin' with the Devil

One fact about Hell which is completely unremarkable, but memorable is the fact that music actually plays constantly. Whenever you are outside in Hell, as opposed to in Loki's office or in his castle, you will constantly hear music. It is a soundtrack that never ends. I bet you are thinking that the music in Hell must torture you like that top-40 crap on Z-100, but I guess not everything in Hell is bad, unless you really hate heavy metal! Hell has the loudest, hardest, and some of the least melodic music out there. However, you can hear some okay songs once in a while.

I remember when I was alive, my friends and I would listen to mostly hard rock and some alternative. It would've been nice if girls can actually like Nirvana, System of a Down, Linkin Park, Audioslave, and a lot of other good bands. Instead, I knew girls who listened to nothing but crappy music. They always say, "You know, I like _everything_." Yet, every time I went out with a girl in my Malibu I would have to play all of my gay Bon Jovi MP3s, or they would not be in the mood. Like everything? Yeah right. I hated when people just said things to sound agreeable, but then they have all these pet peeves—namely actual rock music! I mean, while I liked Cracker they liked Uncle Kracker.

Anyway, in Hell Loki liked music that could make your ears bleed. I mean, sometimes the only relief you had was when there was a "power-ballad," but as a devil once told me, "Power ballads are a true heavy-metal staple." Whatever that means…Loki had a special affection for songs about devils, or himself—the sort of crap I hear my dad listening to on XM.

Thinking about the music now, it reminds me of one time Loki was watching devils torturing people in a moshpit, or was it people torturing themselves in a moshpit? Whatever. While "Angel of Death" was blaring, or something like that, I remember seeing Loki rocking out to the song and trying to sing along in a mumbled off-key manner.

Loki: yeah yeah. ANGEL OF DEATH! Uh… king of the dead, famous—butcher, ANGEL OF DEAAAAATH!!!! Hey guys, that song was awesome!

Devil 1: Yeah Loki!

Devil 2: Loki, I agree!

Random human: That song FUCKIN' sucked!

Loki: Oh, rot in Hell!

Random human: Make me!

Loki grabbed the guy and threw him as high in the air as he could. As I heard his yelling dissipating in the distance, I asked Loki, "I heard this song a ton of times already and it still sucks."

Loki: Remembuh man, Hell's what you make of it. Sometimes ya gotta rock out n' shit!

Another incoherent song started to play in the background as I witnessed more of Hell's torments occurring.

Me: How about the people who don't like rock? I mean, I like rocking out, but that rock sucks.

Loki: Come on man, you don't think we'd be listening to Bono n' shit down here!

Me: Wouldn't that make Hell suck more?

Loki: You know man, it's Hell. Not everythin' makes sense. I thought you'd realize that by now!

Believe me, if you are as confused as hell following along with me during this asking "what the fuck is this guy talking about," let me tell you, Hell's really hard to describe. It is not organized. Really, "not everythin' makes sense." Now, when the other song was ending, I heard that old ass Van Halen song "Runnin' with the Devil" playing. It wasn't heavy metal, but any song that has to do with devils, even songs where the devil loses like "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," is played in Hell. Furthermore, any type of metal that exists is played in Hell. As long as someone considers it metal, it's in Hell.

Loki: It was somethin' somethin', it was so simpul!!!! Oh man, turn this shit up!

I didn't know how to turn this shit up, but not wanting to disappoint Loki I speedily jerked my head from right to left looking for a remote control, a button, a volume dial—anything! I finally turned to my right and suddenly saw a large rock that wasn't there before with a dial on it. I turned it up as fast as I could.

Loki: YEAH MAN! This song rocks! Bum! Buh buh bum, bum, runnin' with the devil!!! Yeah. Bum! Buh buh bum, bum, runnin' with the devil!!!

He started to incoherently mumble a few lyrics before stopping to talk to me, because he obviously did not know them.

Loki: Come on man, you gotta enjoy yaself!

All of the sudden I heard screaming coming from the sky getting louder… "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" I saw that guy Loki threw into the air splatter right on top of the rock.

Loki: Perfect aim!

The guy rematerialized: "This music still FUCKING sucks!"

Loki: Get 'em boys!

A few Brownshirts smiled and happily groveled saying, "Yes Loki!," "Yes sir!," as they started giggling and dragging the metal-hater away by his feet.

Loki: Fuckin' bootlickers!

He flicked one of them into the distance, so the rest of them ran with the metal-hater as fast as they could into the opposite direction, falling down a cliff. However, Loki didn't notice—he was guffawing loudly, "HAHAHAHA!"

Me: You saw those guys fall down the cliff?

Loki: What? No man, you, you gotta, you gotta look over there, look! (points)

It was just cows eating beef again.

Loki: Oh, God, HAHA, that's so fuckin' perverse! Stupid cows!

Me: Uh…Before I forget to ask, haven't you been hearing this music for years? How do you not know the words?

Loki: Huh? (Still banging his head to Van Halen)

Me: I'm not totally into this heavy metal thing, I mean I have been here for over two years and I'm not used to it.

Loki: Get used to it, ya gonna be heuh for a while.

After that, I heard a loud wailing guitar. It was a new song and Loki started playing air-guitar.

Loki: Speak of the deh-vil, he is no friend of mine, uh, he's got sweet tats and he's a really cool guy. He lies and steals stuff, because uh I told you so. La la la, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! To HELL, with the Devil! To HELL, with the Devil! To HEh-ell, with the deh-eh-vil. To HELL, with the Devil! When stuff goes wrong… uh…

Me: Loki.

Loki: What!?!

Me: Loki, that song is against the devil. It's against you! Why would this song play in Hell?

Loki: Uh, what? I thought it was good n' stuff, I guess I never thought about it.

Me: So will you pull it off your soundtrack?

Loki: Uhhh… Nah man, it rocks too much.

Chapter X: Sexy as Hell

I was walking along seeing the sites, feeling a little horny, so I decided to return to Loki's castle to do anal with a demon-chick. Because the baby batter was on the brain, I started looking around at the people. There were some hot babes in Hell from all different eras and all different places. I never felt like approaching them because it was so easy to get sex without effort back at the castle. To be honest, I was always more comfortable scamming friends with benefits online or hooking up at parties than actually going up to a girl face to face totally sober. However, the thought struck me whether or not I should give it a shot. I imagined what advice Loki might give…

(Loki: Come on man, go for it, stop being such a pussy! None of that foreplay stuff, fuck her like a rag doll!)

But what do you say to a hot girl in Hell? No one gets married in Hell, so they know what you're looking for. And no girl responds positively to "let's fuck." Both of you have to pretend that you share some sort of platonic love, you know, act like you're friends, so that it is acceptable to fuck and then never see each other again…well, until that real awkward time you end up running into her behind the counter at the Pizzeria or something like that. Any long term relationship is the same…

Pick up lines, I needed a pick up line! How about, "Babe, can you get me a lotto ticket? Give me your numbers, I'm feeling lucky." Damn, no lottery tickets in hell! "Do you want a fuck…ing drink?" No, that would elicit a slap on the face on Earth and my ear being ripped off in hell. "Are you a parking ticket[No Really, you got fine written all over you." That worked in the 8th grade social…I'm not going after 8th graders.

(Loki: No man, get them while they're fresh!)

Maybe Loki's advice isn't that good. I saw one guy go up to some princess.

Russian Nihilist Guy: Hey skirt, do you want to have a hell of a time?

Princess: No you shant!

Then I saw some hot girl dressed like she was from the 80s…

Some Guy: Excuse me, I think you're really sexy.

80s Chick: Get lost!

Some Guy: I was just saying I like you, uh, I think you're really beautiful.

80s Chick: I said beat it!

80s Chick's Boyfriend: Yeah, beat it!

Some Guy: Hey, you should be more polite!

80s Chick: And you should mind your own business!

80s Chick's Boyfriend: She said beat it! (shoves the guy)

Some Guy: Watch your step! (pointing his finger as he walked away)

I started briskly walking…I didn't want to run into that guy—he looked like he was about to kill someone! All of the sudden I heard a yell. I turned around and saw that the boyfriend was pushed into a lava pit and the guy was grabbing the 80s chick. He pinned her down and raped her! I looked for a little bit, but I knew it wasn't right, so I turned my head. Then I began to notice something I didn't before. People were getting raped everywhere I looked! Thank Loki for my blue armband, no one raped me! People didn't seem to care about respect much in Hell. Heck, if you're nice to someone they might stab you for no reason, so what incentive was there to ever be good? People just did what they felt like because the ramifications are the same for everyone regardless. Granted, some people had some consensual sex, but not many and not for long.

As I was nearing the castle, the Hell-Cafeteria was nearby so I decided to stop and get a turkey wrap. I overheard the same Jewish people with those annoying Flushing accents talking.

Jew-Man: You never had oral sex with a woman?

Jew-Woman: I have nothing against homosexuality, but I'm not gay.

Jew-Man: Neither am I, but we're going to be here a long time. It's nice to do something different every once of a while. Hey, I'm starting to like it more.

Jew-Woman: Really? How so?

Jew-Man: It just feels better and you could do more things. They just teach you not to do it because they want to repress you sexually. I think it's nice to be able to do everything. Why restrict yourself?

Jew-Woman: But won't it change who I am? I'll start dressing differently, talking differently, acting differently…I won't have the same friends.

Jew-Man: No, sex doesn't change people like that.

Jew-Woman: But don't you think—

Jew-Man: Just give it a shot, why not? Even if you don't like that much, it won't be that bad!

Jew-Woman: Alright, you got a point. No one judges you by it here anyway. Oh, you know the other day Loki smashed my head open again? He really has it in for me—

I received my turkey wrap and took a bite out of it—yuck, mayonnaise! First I have to hear middle aged Jews talk about gay sex and now this? Then I turned around and saw some old man raping a young girl. She couldn't be any older than eleven. Right on the table in the cafeteria—no one stopped him. She screamed for help but no one listened. People were so used to their own business and pain in Hell, they just toned out all the terrible things they saw. It was bad enough as is. It then struck me that pedophilia was a common sight here. Just with all the heads being lopped off and cows eating beef, you just don't see it sometimes.

I then saw another guy masturbating using magma.

Masturbator: Oh, fuck that burns!

Me: Why the hell did you do that, your dick just burned off!

Masturbator: No it didn't, it's the only part of your body that rematerializes instantly even if you are not killed.

I noticed he was still going at it, totally not caring that he was doing it in a public place. You were able to hear the slick masturbating sound, swoosh swoosh swoosh, between his grunts of pain made over the fact the magma burns like hell. He had that masturbating look on his face and everything. Sounds too farfetched? When you're in Hell long enough, you get used to as much pain as humanly possible. Even on Earth, this one time when I was thirteen, I was slamming the salami in the bathroom and there was no Vaseline or lotion. I used it all up! So I looked through the medicine cabinet and saw some Ben Gay. I started using that and it felt good. It was slicker than I was used to. Then it started getting a little warm and it was feeling great! Then it started fucking burning! Man, I wanted to stop and I already masturbated 3 times that day, but I didn't want blue balls. It burned like hell but I finished. I iced my dick and I still couldn't touch it for a week. I remember wasting so much bacitracin on it! Hey, I was 13! Who doesn't whack it every fucking second in middle school? I mean, the first thing you do when you know no one is around, like on a sick day, is yank it. You do it all day until nothing comes out. Then you're afraid you'll run out, but you have more the next day.

In Hell, you don't care about living by your every passion on a whim…but, unlike Earth, everyone just accepts it, even though that's changing. I guess Hell's like New York City. No one judges you for your sexual tastes. You're there so long, you don't care who sees you do what. You don't have to pretend that you're 100 percent heterosexual. Being heterosexual in Hell is like being gay on Earth. It's queer to be straight. I thought, "Can you blame the damned?" With all the pain they have, they need to distract themselves with some sort of pleasure. They need to search every avenue for it, even homosexual. Why can't people bring a little good into even a hellish existence?

I still was not confident enough to try anything totally weird yet. I finally made it back to the castle, took up the first demon-chick I saw, and got the baby-batter off the brain. And that's an important thing!

Chapter XI: Heaven Rooms

One day I was at the Red Lantern with the rest of the Brownshirts because Hector was holding a celebration. Of course, we suspected that Hector would make an announcement after the dinner. The Devils were surprisingly courteous, and they topped off our drinks often. We were getting buzzed, drunk, blasted, tanked, and toasted by the time of our appetizer. One of our guests even vomited all over the floor.

Hector: Oh sick!!!

Brownshirt #2: Ha ha ha! Pussy.

Me: What a lightweight!

Brownshirt #3: That's right Jim! Cheers!

Me: Salud!

We all laughed and held another toast. Best of all, the devils served us appetizers that were actually hot, and the toppings weren't contaminated with piss or semen. Finally we all had our entrees served at our table. After we finished eating, Hector hit his glass with a spoon—it must have been his announcement. We put down our Dom [Perignon and started to listen. Hector stood up and almost lost balance. He swayed and slurred while his drink spilled on his brown uniform.

Hector: Guys guys, I have a special announcement to make. I am all happy that you were all able to arrive! I have been in Hell for millions of years, I'll spare you the exact number! (We all forced laughs) But today, I will finally get what I deserve. Really, I mean it. I wasn't that bad of guy on Earth and I finally repaid whatever debt I had. I served Loki rightfully for so long, and now I will finally be awarded. Right now, we eat together at the Red Lantern in Hell. But tonight, I dine in Heaven!

I had a huge smile on my face. I was thinking, "We can get out of Hell? Hector's finally going to Heaven!"

Brownshirt #3: No way!

Brownshirt #2: Can't be.

Brownshirt #4: Can't fucking be, this is not fair!

Hector: What do you mean it's not fair? I busted my ass for Loki, it's not my fault Loki likes me and doesn't like you!

Brownshirt #4 Fuck you! I know you are a bigger sinner than me! You take advantage of people with your power, I'm more just! I mean, I am great at punishing people while you just shove people around to get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it!

Hector: It's obvious Loki thinks I'm great at my job! Not only that, I never punished a person that didn't deserve it—not once! That's why I am going to Heaven and the rest of you assholes are staying in this God forsaken pisshole! I served Loki right, and I'll tell you all what Heaven's like, if it weren't for the fact I'll be fucking angels and hot chicks left and right.

The Brownshirts began screaming insults at Hector. He smirked, waved good-bye to us, and left the Red Lantern.

Brownshirt #4: I can't fucking believe it. Hector done nothing to deserve this. There's really no justice…The Judge unfairly damned us all, and Loki rewarded Hector out of all people.

Brownshirt #2: Are you sure it is Loki doing this? I mean, he likes me, I thought he hated Hector's guts.

Brownshirt #4: It has to be Loki because there's no God. And if there was a God, he's just a big fucking asshole that has it in for us.

Me: Guys, I have the shits.

They passively accepted my excuse and I ran out the door and caught up with Hector. Hector was walking at a frantic pace with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Hector: YESSS!!! YESSS!!!

Me: I don't know about them, but I'm happy for you.

Hector: Well, who cares about them. Loki hates those fuckers and I do too.

Me: I guess you're right.

Hector: Of course I'm right, I'm finally getting mine. I knew this was coming to me. I am too good of a person to be in Hell forever, I helped Loki too much.

Me: I know I know. Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Hector: You won't ever see me again here, but I know you'll get to Heaven too.

Me: Maybe.

Hector: We'll hang out together for all of eternity! For the time being, I'll miss you.

Hector talked about all the fun he could have in Heaven on the way back to Loki's castle. We entered the castle and Loki greeted Hector and me. Since Hector was going to go to Heaven, Loki actually gave him attention for once. We walked into a guest room in the castle, complete with couches large enough to seat Loki. He made his announcement.

Loki: Was I right or what Hector? You have faceduh the tortuhs of Helluh long enough. You have earned ya rewahd. Tonight, you entuh Heaven!

Hector: I know, I know! I knew you liked me the entire time Lo—

Loki: Yeah sure. Feel the grace of God 'n stuff.

Hector was standing there. I was waiting for him to disappear.

Loki: James! James! Over theuh! (points)

I turned my head, and when I looked back Hector was gone! Loki walked to a couch and picked up his Rubik's cube. He started moving around the blocks and colors.

Me: Hey Loki, what's Heaven like?

Loki: Not now James! I'm with this Rubik's cube right now 'n stuff! It has so many colors, I don't know if I'll evuh find the right combination!

Me: When you're done, can you tell me?

Loki: No way man, go botha Peter Tomarken or some shit! I bet the bookworm's at the "Libary" right now or somethin'!

Me: He knows what Heaven's like?

Loki: Shut the fuck up man, I just messed up!

I walked into the Library and saw Peter Tomarken reading "The Paradiso." I was embarrassed to approach him because I did not really speak to him since one of my first dinners in Hell.

Me: Mr. Tomarken?

Tomarken: Yes? (Puts down his book)

Me: Loki told me you know what Heaven's like.

Tomarken: Well, I really do not know what Heaven's like.

Me: Loki lied to me!

Tomarken: I was once sent to a Heaven…

Me: Really? … Uh, I don't get it.

Tomarken: But it wasn't real.

Me: I have a friend that went to Heaven, you mean it isn't real?

Tomarken: Exactly. You understood this pretty fast.

Me: So, can you tell me what fake-Heaven is like?

Tomarken: Of course. In Hell, you have three types of "Heavens," but unlike Heaven these places aren't real. In fact, these places are illusions. Many people, including myself, and your friend, are transported into rooms in this very castle. These are called "Heaven Rooms."

Me: What type of Heaven Rooms are there?

Tomarken: I can show you these rooms, follow me.

We walked upstairs to the top of the castle. There were scores of hallways filled with many rooms with blue windows next to them. The windows must have been windows into what it looked like inside the Heaven Rooms. Tomarken shown me the first room and I saw nothing but blue sky and clouds.

Me: Is this what Heaven really looks like?

Tomarken: I don't know. All I know is that Heaven Rooms are made to show us what we think Heaven looks like, and then we learn we are still in Hell all along. Now, here is the first type of Heaven Room. This is known as a Room of Pride.

I looked in and noticed Hector, his mouth was gaping as he was observing his surroundings.

Tomarken: This is the most common Heaven Room. I never have personally been inside this room, but many people get into this "Heaven" even if they think they don't deserve it. This room is the emptiest of them all, but to the person inside it is a major achievement. You do not see other people in this Heaven, nor do you see any projection of God or Christ. Instead, you are alone in the room, and you bask in your own temporary glory.

Hector was now breathing heavily, and happily.

Me: What happens?

Tomarken: Watch.

Hector raised his fists in the air and started screaming.

Hector: I TRICKED GOD!!! I TRICKED GOD!!! YESSS!!! YES!!!

Tomarken: Everyone in this room thinks they fooled God. They usually admit it out loud like this person, though others often confess with their thoughts.

Me: That's Hector… The friend I was talking about…

Suddenly, Hector disappeared from the room. The image of the window turned red. I was able to see that Loki summoned Hector. Hector then bowed down before him with his head on the ground. Loki spoke with an intimidating voice for once…

Loki: You think you can trick God? You think fuckin' God can be tricked?

Hector: Na, na, no sir.

Loki: God hates your fuckin' guts, and I do too. I'll flick your ass out of heuh like a booguh [booger.

Suddenly the projection shown Loki flicking Hector right out of the castle. When Hector landed and rematerialized, he ran away and cried.

Tomarken: Loki gives you this "Heaven" to just take away something from you that you never would have had anyway. It just makes it all sting a little bit more.

I felt poor for Hector, but then I remembered that it was Hell. It was not beyond Loki to do something this mean to someone.

Tomarken: Now follow me to the second room. This was one I actually went to before.

I took a look, and noticed a man having sex with two beautiful girls who were about my age if that. He was surrounded by tables of fine food and drink. We both watched for minutes on end—my pants felt like a flashlight was bulging out of it. The man pulled his penis out of one of the girls and blew his load all over their faces like a porn star. They always have so much more cum than regular people.

Tomarken: This man thinks he's in Heaven—he really thinks he feels it. This is known and the Room of Ego. This person feels like he's reaping the rewards he deserves. Of course all of his rewards are visceral.

Me: Visceral?

Tomarken: Something physically and instantly enjoyable.

Me: Oh.

Tomarken: Look! Observe what this Heaven looks like. This illusion just throws in some recognizable people amidst a reality of constant enjoyment.

The man in the projection was suddenly walking by the other people he knew in this Heaven. I didn't even need to ask, but I knew that these people weren't real but were simply a part of the illusion that Loki and apparently the man in his mind have created. He passed by Socrates who nodded back while sipping wine. Pope John Paul II and even Martin Luther King Jr. gave him the thumbs up. Teddy Roosevelt rode his horse and exchanged a "wazzup" and fist pounded him! Catherine the Great even flirted with him. It was like every famous guy thought he was the coolest. He started talking to an old man and woman, and then aslightly older man and woman. These must have been the man's parents and grandparents. He talked to them with delight, and then proceeded to start eating an immense amount of baby back ribs. The man was enjoying his food, getting barbeque sauce all over his hands and chest. After eating, he then had a threesome with two promiscuous angels.

Me: When does this person leave Heaven?

Tomarken: I don't know, this Heaven lasts a while. Mine lasted around fifty years until I grew unhappy with it. I figured out it really was not Heaven. Most people however are so happy with it, Loki kicks them out in a few years in order to yet again give them a taste of something they think the hunger for, but truly cannot have.

Me: … I understand.

Tomarken: Now, here is the final type of Heaven Room. (We walked to another door and window) This is the Room of Secularity.

Me: Wha?

Tomarken: This room really felt like Heaven to me. I mean, I have been to this room several times. Loki kicked me out almost every time, except, the last time when I decided that it didn't make me happy anymore. So I left.

I started to look in the room and noticed a middle-aged woman prominently eating with her entire family. I noticed the food was good, but not as extravagant as the meals the damned were eating in the other rooms. Nevertheless, everyone was enjoying each other's company. Tomarken was teary-eyed as he began speaking to me again.

Tomarken: Unlike the Room of Ego, in the Room of Secularity you embrace platonic love. (Pauses) Here, she is eating with her family. She is truly happy. When she is not with her family, she will definitely talk to the other people that have made it there. They talk about the greatness of God, and how they are enjoying what they perceive to be the true greatness of Heaven. Look at them have dinner.

Everything looked normal. In fact, it appeared like a joyous Thanksgiving dinner.

Woman: Thank you God for this meal and our love.

Extended-Family: Amen!

Me: Peter, this does not seem very perverted, bad, or anything. Isn't this what Heaven should be?

Tomarken: I don't know what Heaven should be, but I know that it isn't what she think it is.

Woman's thoughts: Oh, this is so nice. I finally get it. I get what it is all about. Oh, don't look at Larry like that, he's your distant great great great grand uncle. Well, we're not really even related—no, don't think about that! Real love is not physical it's like this [my family. (Eats food) This food is good, not the best, but good. But the food taste better because I'm with my family, I would not give this up for anything!

Tomarken: As you can see, this is the greatest worldly enjoyment possible, as all would agree that the platonic love has for one's family trumps purely visceral enjoyments.

Me: Well, if it's the best, how come you left?

Tomarken: At first I didn't. Loki always took it away from me and I was always enraged! This is probably what happens to most people. It felt worse each time as Loki kept offering it to me and I kept accepting the offer. This is the only thing I enjoy down here.

Me: So, you like being in the room? You can ask to get back in?

Tomarken: I know I can ask Loki right now to get back in and he would let me. But I figured something out.

Me: What? Why would you not want to go to somewhere that is so good?

Tomarken: I found out early on that it was all an illusion. My friends, my family, the great people I met… They were all not real. They were all creations of my imagination. People I created to give myself the sense that I achieved a higher and more profound understanding of the good life. During my last visit, I knew I felt happy but I still hungered for the sins available in the Room of Ego. The good company, the good food, the wholesome existence I created—it was not what Heaven really is. I had to leave. It was the hardest decision I ever made.

Me: … That's heavy. (I really didn't understand, I admit)

Tomarken: You will learn to understand, because we have the blue armband. Now, I am reading, re-reading, and thinking constantly about God. To the best of my knowledge happiness and Truth are with It, but I still will not submit. In this state, I cannot go to Heaven.

Me: So, you think there is an actual Heaven? And it's for real?

Tomarken: I never saw anyone go to the real Heaven, but I assume it's real because the Judge supposedly permits people to it.

Me: What if it is a trick?

Tomarken: You don't know if it is. That's literally in the hands of the divine.

Tomarken started walking downstairs and I followed him. He then directed me to a large window that shown me the expanse of Hell. After seeing the images of "Heaven," it was rather a stark contrast. No wonder people hated leaving the Heaven Rooms so much. I saw a large, dark grey mountain on the horizon.

Me: What the hell is that?

Tomarken: That is Mount Purgatory. I have read about it.

Me: What does it do?

Tomarken: From what I know, you climb up it, forswear your sins, and then supposedly go to Heaven.

Me: Why don't you try going up?

Tomarken: I know I am not ready. That and it is a 20,000 year climb…I don't even want to imagine the countless amount of times I will die on the way up.

Me: How many people are on the mountain?

Tomarken: A lot. Many people make it to the top after an exceedingly long and arduous climb, but they do not get to Heaven, even if they think they actually deserved it. They become so angry with God, they curse everything and jump down the mountain if they do not fall off the top first. I am afraid if I go up it now, I will lose all the progress I have made. I will have to start all over again.

Me: Really? People climb up all that way, think they learned something, only to get angry all over again?

Tomarken: Don't believe me? Look through these binoculars.

The first thing I saw was cows eating beef.

Me: Ha ha Peter, very funny.

Tomarken: Look up, towards the mountain.

I saw people scaling the mountain. They had content little smirks on their faces, anticipated that their efforts would not be wasted. At the peak, I saw a woman having a temper tantrum. Reading her lips, it appeared like she was screaming, "This is bullshit! I went through all of this, this is not fair. I paid my debts! Fuck you God, FUCK YOU!!!"

A wind then blew her off from the top and rolled violently, bouncing down the mountain.

Tomarken: And the cycle repeats as long as people trust in themselves and aspire only for the world around them.

Me: Don't get all existential on me.

Tomarken: What?

Me: I learned a lot, I really have to go tell Hector everything.

I ran out the castle door and couldn't find Hector anywhere. The next day, the Brownshirts and I went out to the Red Lantern again. I was told that Hector would be there. This was a great opportunity to tell Hector what really happened! At the Red Lantern, the food was as shitty and the service as lousy as ever. Hector had his head down as all of his friends mercilessly laughed at him.

Brownshirt #4: I knew it wasn't for real! Loki really hates your guts!

Brownshirt #2: Yeah! You really got to Heaven and Loki flicked you out! That's great!

Hector: Guys. It's not funny. (He was about to cry)

Brownshirt #3: You never even got to do anything in Heaven. Nothing!

Hector: That's not true.

I joined in on it.

Me: You thought you tricked God, God's not stupid, that's why he had the Judge sent your sorry ass to Hell!

The Brownshirts laughed and toasted to that remark. Hector started to spasm.

Brownshirt #4: Loki never liked you! Never did! Never will! I bet he will do something like this again to you! And again to you! He loves it when you are unhappy!

Hector: Ha ha, really funny… (Hector started shaking while trying to pretend he was not bothered)

Brownshirt #4: Loki did this to you because you're a disgusting individual. Your teeth are yellow and covered with tartar, you hunch, your chin makes you look live you are slightly deformed…and you are even worse on the inside. (Hector's spasms escalated) You don't care about anyone but yourself and you think you are better than everyone because you do this and don't do that. You think you are smart, but you're really stupid. You never accomplished anything worthwhile, you are a disgrace, you are a waste of life, it would've been better in you were never born! (brief silence)

Hector: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hector then stabbed the guy with a dull dinner knife. He screamed while his blood squirted everywhere.

Me: Oh shit man, you didn't have to do that.

Brownshirt #2: Cool down, cool down. It's okay.

Brownshirt #3: Relax, relax.

Brownshirt #5: Don't worry about it, you had too much to drink. You'll feel all better when your roast duck comes out.

The Brownshirt who was stabbed was still sitting next to us, struggling to breath with the knife still sticking out of his chest. You can tell he was hoping one of us would help him, but shortly afterward his head collapsed onto the table and bounced off. His body then slipped onto the floor.

Me: Now, _he_ had too much to drink!

Chapter XII: Fun As Hell

As you have been reading, Loki gave us some very good advice. "You make your own hell," or sometimes said as "only you can make Hell suck." Even though Loki claims to be _only _a catalyst, because he and his minions are personally involved in torturing people, it is true that humans also really do things to make Hell suck. As I described, people are punching, killing, pushing, stabbing, and eating each other all the time down here. How about the people who make the best out of Hell? Yes, they exist. Hell's just not all stuffing your face at the Hell-Cafeteria—people really try to have fun in Hell. Let me tell you about a random Sunday in Hell that was like pretty much every day there.

I was taking a brisk walk, well, it was fucking hot but I was taking a relaxing stroll along the fiery planes of Hell with an ice-cold glass of lemonade—one with the lemon hanging on the edge of the glass for no good reason! I was sort of enjoying the sights and a nice warm breeze came in. I sighed with pleasure and continued taking sips when I started to watch a typical Sunday football game.

People try to re-create in Hell the things they enjoyed on Earth. I saw the people choosing teams and it was almost beautiful. Usually, people in Hell just "stick with their kind." However, I saw people from different times, sexes, ethnicities, and ages playing together. I was really looking forward to watching the football game, not because I like football (I don't) but because I appreciated the sight before me—the sight of human cooperation. That and it was the closest thing I had to Madden Football, because I did not have it for my DS. There were eight people on each team and they used a brimstone for a football. The stone was so hot it burned the players' hands, but it was Hell and they were used to it.

They started to play!

Minuteman [from the Revolutionary War: Hut, hut… Hut, hut…Hut… Hut, hut… Hut…

Pharaoh: Hike the fuckin' ball man!

Geisha-Chick: Shut up and play!

Minuteman: Hut, hut, hut…

Some raggedy mentally deranged guy from God knows when then all of the sudden ran out of bounds, charging the offensive-linemen. The brimstone was dropped and everyone sighed in disgust.

Native American Woman: Off-sides, off-sides!

Pirate: AGAIN?!?!

Pharaoh: Your fucking quarterback didn't hike the fucking ball!

Minuteman: Hey, I'm playing the game the right way!

Indian-Dude: That's got to be a 5 yard penalty.

Pharaoh: Okay assholes, let's move back 10 fucking cubits!

The insane guy's team murmured angrily as the Minuteman's team advanced…10 cubits.

Pharaoh: Hike the fucking ball this time!

Minuteman: Okay, okay, I'll hike… it fast! That wasn't it! That wasn't it! (The other team was waiting and getting more antsy) Hut… Hut, hut, hut… Hut… Hi—hutt! Hutt, hutt! Hutt…

Raggedy Mentally Deranged Guy: Ham tastes gooood!!! (He ran off-sides again!)

Pharaoh: You have to be fucking kidding me.

Indian-Dude: 5 yard penalty!

The Pharaoh's team moved back another…10 cubits. The Pharaoh took aside the raggedy mentally deranged guy and got in his face.

Pharaoh: Listen you lowly maggot. You're making our fucking team lose, don't go rip someone's head off until the asshole says hike!

Raggedy Mentally Deranged Guy: Ham tastes gooood!

Pharaoh: Good! You understand! Now play the fucking game you filthy varmint!

Minuteman: People, I swear to God that this time I'll just get on with the game, okay? Hut, hut… Hut, hut… Hut…

1950s Black Guy: Hike!

Mentally Deranged Guy: Ham tastes gooood! (He proceed to rip off the native American woman's head off.)

Minuteman: That's off-sides and roughing!

Pharaoh: Fuck you!

Old White Man: Go, go!

Minuteman: HIKE!

Pharaoh: Fuck!

The Pharaoh's team scrambled to catch the old white man as he ran towards the end zone, the Minuteman had a great arm and the Old Man caught the brimstone without any problems. He spiked the brimstone and started humping and dancing. A perfectly normal looking Mali guy then went up to him and broke his neck to make him stop.

Pharaoh: About fucking time.

Geisha-Chick: Now we have two less people on our team!

Raggedy Mentally Deranged Guy: Hammm!!! (He walked towards the other team)

Pharaoh: Problem solved, lets play some fucking football!

Minuteman: You know that's bullshit, we'll kill your whole team!

Pharaoh: Try me fucker! Hut, hut… (The Minuteman laughed) HIKE!

The Pharaoh threw the brimstone as hard as possible straight into the Minuteman's face. His head comically exploded and now players in both sides were murmuring in disgust. The dead people rematerialized and then started attacking each other. A riot broke out while the raggedy mentally deranged guy found a wild hog and screamed "Ham tastes goooood!" and chased the it away. After being entertained by a twenty minute melee, the riot finally stopped.

Pirate: Okay, okay…That's enough gouging each other's eyes out. Are we finally ready to start playing again?

Minuteman: Okay, okay.

Pharaoh: Give me the God damn brimstone for fuck's sake.

The minuteman grabbed the brimstone out of a nearby fire bit and gave it to the Pharaoh.

Pharaoh: 66, 69, heh heh, fucking 69…HIKE!

He went long and threw a bomb to the 1950s black guy, who caught the brimstone, but then dropped the pass.

Pharaoh: What the fuck was that?

1950s Black Guy: It fucking burned my hands!

Pharaoh: Let me fucking cool it down (spits on brimstone, steam rises). Hut hut hut, HIKE!

He threw the brimstone as hard as he can into the back of the 1950s black guy's head. Yet another riot broke out so I dropped my lemonade glass (eh, someone will clean it up) and stopped watching the carnage.

I started to watch two elderly men peacefully play checkers. They used hot brimstone pebbles for pieces. They were content, and even talking to each other about their lives. A demon-chick watched them and decided to bend over to see if she could gain any attention. They both laughed and resumed playing checkers. She look disappointed so she flipped the checkers board and smiled. The old men looked at her and then locked eyes away from her onto each other. Then they commenced beating the living hell out of one another! They were once friends and now they were making their own hell! This happened all the time, once people lost their fun they took it out on each other.

Meanwhile, I got a can of Crystal Pepsi from some scary-ass Diet Pepsi machine, and started sipping. Man, it was smooth! I can't believe I could only try one in Hell! I saw battles in the distance and decided to see if they were as cool as they were in the movies.

I saw a bunch of ancient Spartans and Persians standing in an open fiery plain. There were about 300 Spartans and almost 10,000 Persians—they were out-numbered like in that movie. King Leonidas was talking to his Spartan army trying to amp up his soldiers.

Leonidas: Today, we will fight again. Today, we will defeat the Persians. Unlike yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that! Today, we win, for glory! And for Zeus, the hot goddesses, and our pride. They may take our limbs or our lives, but they will never take our honor! When you die, your glory will live on! Men of Sparta!

Spartans: Huzzah!!!

Leonidas: When, we like die and stuff and rematerialize, we'll get right back into the battle and win! Glory lasts forever! Sparta! Sparta! Sparta!

The Spartans continued their chant and banged their shields. I ran to the Persian side to see if they had all of those gremlins and monsters and stuff. Instead they looked normal like all of those token Persians I saw in the rest of Hell—they had beards and tunics…Persian things. Xerxes talked to his men.

Xerxes: All of us have been sent through the gates of Hell for a reason. We will win this battle, again… Again… And again for all of eternity! Mazda has rewarded us for our victory on Earth, so that we may relive the good old days for eternity! And today we will win even faster so we get to rape all the women and children in Athens!

Persians: Yeah!

Xerxes: Sparta sucks! Sparta sucks!

The Persians then repeated his chant. Both sides chanted and walked into battle with their formations. "Raining Blood" played in the background as the Persians launched arrows and the soldiers started to decapitate each other with swords. I heard screams of pain and cries. Blood squirted everywhere! Behind the dead bodies the soldiers rematerialized and re-entered the battle! It wasn't like Counterstrike at all! I mean, when you die in Counterstrike, you die!

I drank the rest of my soda and had some popcorn during the rest of the battle. After this, I stumbled into an old German castle. I went inside and saw Nazi generals planning their attack on Russia. They were arguing with each other.

Nazi #1: My Nazi, we have to find a way to capture Smolensk faster to defeat those Soviet pig-fuckers. If we do not find out a way to do it faster we will never capture Moscow within six months!

Nazi #2: Nazi please, if we ignore Kiev, we can capture Moscow much much faster!

Nazi #3: But that's stupid son! Fueher says it's a good idea to take over the Ukraine!

Nazi #4: We tried both! Our southern flank gets halted too much if we let the Soviets be in Kiev!

Nazi #2: Nazi-what?

Nazi #4: We've been doing this for millions of years and nothing works. Maybe we should take Britain out of the war first and concentrate on capturing the oil-rich North Africa.

Nazi #1: … Nazis, that's stupid. I say we go old school here. We'll tell the soldiers to do everything the same as last time. We will capture Minsk and Pskov really fast. Capture Smolensk, go totally south towards Kiev, sorta surround Leningrad, and hope global warming finally gives us a mild winter we've been waiting for so we can capture Moscow!

The Nazis paused.

Nazi #3: That's a great idea! I'll tell Guderian and the Fueher of it immediately! I'm sure the soldiers will be delighted that we're going to war again! We all agree?

Nazis: Agree!

Nazi #3: Okay, stay black niggas I'll call the Fueher on my cell-phone right now.

I bet you don't know what they're talking about, I barely know what they're talking about too! Since Ms. Ocasio and other history teachers knew shit about history, all I know is that the Americans won World War II and that FDR saved America from capitalists.

Basically, it's almost impossible to have fun in Hell because people really make it their own Hell. Soldiers go back to war, people can't play along, and almost everything is an excuse for a riot. Hell sucks for people, get used to it.

Chapter XIII: Loki Has It In for Me

Loki was very explicit that we make our own hell, and how he was just a catalyst. However, Loki's claim was not completely accurate, because he actually enjoys taking part in some of the tortures that he partakes in. According to everyone I know in Hell, Loki is always on their case! That's why they hate Loki almost as much as the Judge or even God! Now, one great Monday, Loki was in his office with his adding machine and a bunch of hand-written invoices on yellow pressure paper.

Loki: Man, I fuckin' hate papuhwuhk [paperwork! You know James?

Me: Yeah. I hated doing homework, the teachers had it in for us!

Loki: I know man! I'm like doin' the same shit ovuh n' ovuh again and it fuckin' nevuh ends! I mean, I hate doin' papuhwuhk!

Me: All the teachers thought we were stupid, so they gave us homework just like what we did in class! I mean, what's the point? I had things to do with my friends, teachers don't know how busy we are!

Loki: Hell yeah! You know what? I'm goin' to take it to the man, man! I'm having a serious case of the Mondays if you know what I me[an. Fuck papuhwuhk! I'll do it tomorrow!

Me: That's the spirit!

Loki: Now that I'm done with papuhwork… (starts looking at an agenda) I got an appointment that I have been putting off for a while…

Me: You got more work?

Loki: Yeah man! It's fuckin' unfair! I'm really goin' to take it out on this guy!

Me: What do you do during an appointment?

Loki: You wanna watch me work man? Sureuh! Work is awesome! Enough of this pen and papuh crap, let's get down to some hands-on shit.

Now all of the sudden he was enjoying his work. Loki was taking me to an "appointment." When I figured out that an appointment is a personalized torture, I hoped he wouldn't ask me for any help. However, I was willing to go watch, because I was asked to.

Loki: Okay James, this appointment is REALLY far away. This guy has been tryin' to escape my wrath, but we'll catch up to her!

Me: How long will this take?

I heard a heavenly sound and suddenly appeared with Loki in some other part of Hell. Loki pretty much teleported both of us, which made me wonder why we ever bothered walking anywhere together. We saw some woman looking shocked when we appeared. She then started crawling away futilely. Loki picked her up by the back of her clothes and spoke to her with an intimidating voice.

Loki: You thought you can escape from me? I am the Prince of Darkness, the archeduke of pain and… stuff! Oh, when did I see you last?… Well, I'm back!

Woman: Not again! You're always doing this to me!

Loki: This is Helluh, now fe-uhl my wrath!

Loki then held the woman in his hand and shot fire out of his mouth. The woman burned to death and rematerialized many times over. Her screams were piercing and varying in pitch as she died and her body went back together over and over again. Loki finally got bored and spiked her body onto the ground, breaking her bones. He then proceeded to stomp her out like a cigarette. She started to run away, so I grabbed her in order to score major points with Loki. I mean, he could just use a chain, a rope, a magnet, or a tractor beam or something to get her back anyway.

Loki: Thanks man!

Me: No problem!

Woman: Get off of me!

Loki: If you thought that was bad I have worse things in store for you!

Woman: Not the iron maiden!

Loki: No, something much worse!

Will he drown her to death? Do surgery on her without anesthesia? Throw her so hard into the air that she burns up? Loki suddenly strapped her to this torture device and smiled happily. He screamed, "Get the spider!" Suddenly I saw this tarantula, and I picked it up and put it on her. The thing was crawling peacefully, doing spider stuff. She was screaming so loud, she must have been arachnophobic! Loki laughed happily, but I thought this was a pretty lame-ass torture.

Me: Hey, Loki, she's afraid of this, but spiders aren't that scary.

Woman: What are you talking about?

Loki: Oh, come on man! Spiders are hella scary!

Loki turned the wheel which slowly pulled apart the woman's body while the spider was crawling on her stomach.

Me: Hey, I shouldn't be saying this, but I have an idea.

Loki: Really? I'm all eauhs [ears!

Me: I saw this in a movie, get like a metal bucket with a rat in it, put it on her stomach and light the bucket with a blow-torch.

Loki: Hey, that's a really good idea man! Can you use a blowtorch?

Me: No, no way I want to do that! It's none of my business, none on me.

I thought that, I mean, how could I be doing wrong if I wasn't the one doing it? It said something like that on the box for "Hitman." The hitman is not the actual murderer, he's just the instrument, a weapon. If he didn't do it, someone else would.

Loki did the torture himself and lit the torch. When the bucket got hot the rat tried to burrow in her. The woman screamed. I started vomiting, because I felt like I done something wrong.

Loki: I'm going to end this one old school! Check this out! Hey, James! You gotta cold! Do you want some Alka-Seltza to relieve your sym-toms?

Me: (hesitates) Well, sure Loki.

Loki filled a giant glass with "water", and dropped the woman in. She started to fizz and disintegrate.

Loki: Wow, kuhl [cool!!!

She rematerialized and started disintegrating again. We watched it a few times. It was just like science class. Loki had a delighted gaze on his face which suddenly became emotionless and flat.

Loki: Okay, I'm bored.

He lifted the woman out of the glass and the drops of acid fell off Loki and fizzed on the ground beside me. Loki forced an evil smile as the woman was now speechless.

Loki: See ya, next time! HA HA HA HA!

He tossed to woman into a group of men, who of course proceeded to rape her. Both of us then appeared again in Loki's office. Loki looked at the clock and it read 11:45.

Loki: Cool, lunch time! I'm goin' to skip out early, ya want somethin'?

Me: Nah, I'll go to the Hell-Cafeteria.

I pushed myself in front of the line and got nothing but Reddi-Whip, raw cookie dough, and cake batter. I had to eat something that you could eat when you're sick to the stomach, like I was after giving Loki that idea. I looked at the tables and saw the Strong Man. He was having Philly cheese-steaks with beer. We talked shortly, because he was in a rush.

Strong Man: Oh hey James! What's going on?

Me: Oh, today really sucked.

Strong Man: What do you mean?

Me: I went to one of Loki's appointments, and…

Strong Man: I told you, that ass really has it in for me.

Me: You know what I'm talking about?

Strong Man: Of course! He has it in for me, he has it in for all of us all the time. Though, in my honest opinion, he's on my case way more than anyone else. I mean, he tortures me all the fucking time! When does he ever sleep? Just non-stop. And his radio advertisements just say he's a catalyst—if it weren't for Loki we'd make Hell great! I mean him and his little scumbag drones make Hell suck for us! Sorry, sorry, sometimes thinking about Loki gets me mad.

Me: Tell me about it. Who's the hottest girl you ever fucked?

Now the conversation went smoothly. I went back to the office at 1:00 and saw Loki slaving away doing paperwork.

Loki: I fuckin' hate papuhwuhk! Man, I tell ya, I would be king of the world if weren't slave to the grind. Oh, shit, I'm so gonna stick it to the boss someday!

Me: Loki—Loki!

Loki: What what! The boss can be listenin'!

Me: You're the boss.

Loki: Oh yeah, but I still fuckin' hate papuhwuhk, it nevuh ends!

Me: I heard that you have it in for everybody.

Loki: Yeah man! I hate fuckin' sinnuhs! They all totally suck!

Me: But how about sinners that aren't that bad, I mean rapists, murderers, and people who smoke cigarettes are different than the rest of us.

Loki: All I know is that everyone sucks and that they do stupid shit to make themselves miserable heuh.

Me: So, why do you torture people all the time?

Loki: What? I don't have much time for appointments, I mean I can only do them once in a while because I have all of this fuckin' papuhwuhk! I hate papuhwuhk!

Me: So, do you torture some people more than others?

Loki: Hell no!

Me: So… How often do you torture people?

Loki: Everyone has an appointment, like once every 45,150 years give or take for inflation if I have the time!

And Loki was right! I mean, that was the only appointment I ever saw when I was in Hell. I guess people become fixated on themselves and think that Loki does this all the time to them. Or, you're here so long that you just lose track of time.

Chapter XIV: Friends4Ever

At this point, the sights of Hell, no matter their zaniness and arbitrariness, grew tiresome. I mean, at this point I was in Hell for a few years. Yes, the demon-chicks were great, eating lobster tail for breakfast was better than what I was used to on Earth, and I loved all the jewelry and gadgets I had. However, there's more to life than sex, food, and things. These things are not the only thing in life that make you happy.

Me: Ah, it's another great day in Hell. What should I do today?

Demon-Chick: You want a fuck marathon?

Me: We did that yesterday babe.

Demon-Chick: Uh, I can dress in all those different costumes you like! I can be a nurse, a teacher—

Me: A French maid? (we laugh) Maybe I should go find my friends.

Demon-Chick: You want to invite Hector and his friends over for a gang-bang?

Me: Damn, stop distracting me! I'm only a man you know! How about you start blowing me?

Demon-Chick: Okay!

Me: Hmmm, I was not talking about Hector, I was talking about Paul, Simon, Saul, Frank…and Ryan. Yeah, even him. Oh yeah, Paul's in heaven. Maybe I should find Simon, Saul, Frank and even Ryan. But how? (lifts her head)

Demon-Chick: Loki has advanced scouts, he can find anyone he wants to.

Me: Don't stop! Uh, okay, that's better. Advanced scouts, huh? I'll ask Loki to find them for me just as soon as we are done.

A little later in Loki's office…

Loki: James, I don't know wheruh ya friends ah [are! Hell's a fuckin' big place and shit, I don't know everythin'.

Me: But you know so much!

Loki: I know, I know! I almost completed this here Rubik's cube.

Me: Yeah Loki…I was told when slamming one of your minions that you have advanced scouts that can find my friends.

Loki: You were fucking a devil or demon-chick?

Me: Demon-chick, I'm not gay!

Loki: You don't know what ya missin' James. So, you have convuhsations durin' hankeh pankeh?

Me: Hanky panic?

Loki: Ya know, knockin' boots?

Me: What?

Loki: What are ya, stupid? Stickin' your dick in her ass or vagina!

Me: Well, she was blowing me.

Loki: That's not slammin'!

Me: Whatever, can you find my friends?

Loki: Shuh [sure, I'll send the advanced scouts.

Years later…

Loki: James, come quick, I have advanced field reports!

Me: What did you find out?

Loki: Intel' reports that Simon is stuck in a fire pit, Frank is in the middle of his trek up Mount Purgatoruh, and Saul and Ryan are in Hell-Jersey.

Me: Whoa, that must be real far away. Can you get me there faster?

Loki: Sure, I can teleport us theuh. All I have to do is think where or who I want to teleport to and that's it!

Me: Then why did we wait years for advanced field reports when you could've teleported me right to them?

Loki: I can't just teleport everuh time I want to go do evereh little thing. I gotta deluhgate responsibilituh around heuh. What am I runnin', a two-bit operation?

All of the sudden we appeared in front of Ryan and Saul. Brownshirts were in the middle of beating them.

Random Brownshirt: Don't like being beaten? Then go suck my dick!

Saul: No!

Ryan: Okay, I had enough, I'll blow you!

Loki: Are these twerps your friends?

Me: Yeah.

Loki then picked up the Brownshirts, quickly scaled a nearby volcano, and stuffed them into its magma.

Saul: Run James, he's going to torture us worse than the Brownshirts!

Ryan: Yeah!

Me: Don't worry guys, he's my friend. Anyway Ryan, he has no junk, so you won't have to suck anything.

Ryan: Shut the fuck up, I'm not gay, I just wanted to do whatever it took to—

Loki: Are ya guys James' stupid friends?

Saul: Um, yeah…

Loki: James, do I have to prepare dinnuh for these guys? I hate when you bring ya scummeh friends ovuh for dinner. Especially that fuckin' dweeb with the glasses.

Me: Don't worry Loki, just teleport us back to the castle. We'll go to the Red Lantern. Should we go get Frank?

Ryan: Why? Do any of us really like the guy?

Saul: I don't like him.

Loki: Besides, he's on the middle of Mount Purgatoruh, he has a lot of thinkin' to do.

Me: Okay, let's just go back.

So after we came back to the castle, I brought Saul and Ryan on a quick tour and then to the Red Lantern to meet my other friends. They were impressed by the "pull" by blue armband gave me, and that I had the ability to eat at the most elite restaurant in Hell. So we all sat down at the table and received the fine Red Lantern service you would expect.

Ryan: Wow, it is really fancy here.

Brownshirt #2: What I don't get is how you two would be with each other, while your other friends are separated.

Hector: Well, family's sometimes stick together here in Hell. What I want to know is how you separated.

Saul: Well, we decided to try to stick together, but we were attacked by a horde of mad cows. Ryan and I bailed, but Frank stuck with Simon. The last thing I saw looking back was Frank trying to pull Simon up from a side of a cliff next to a fire pit. The cows must've caused them to nearly fall in. We kept running, because we didn't want to take the chance of falling in somewhere we can't get out for some time. We tried making our way back days later when we lost the cows, but neither of them were there.

Me: Well, I know for a fact that Simon did fall in that pit, and Frank went off somewhere… He's now on Mount Purgatory. Believe me, I know the L-Man.

Brownshirt #3: Hmmm, I'll be scaling that soon, preparing for my own heavenly ascent.

Hector: You'll never make it. My plan is to go back to school and get my Masters so I can move up into Brownshirt Administration. They have great perks!

Brownshirt #3: Fuck that, who wants an office job?

Hector: You're only saying that because you did not do good enough at Hell University to get into administration.

Saul: There's a university in Hell?

Me: Yeah, I heard about it before. What do you do there?

Brownshirt #2: Damned souls go there to get work with the Brownshirts. It takes a lot of education to do our line of work!

Saul: Wow, and you get all these perks?

Brownshirt #3: Power, privilege, food, women—we have it the best in Hell!

Ryan: Even I can become one?

Hector: Yes, with a college education.

Me: I always wanted to go to college, and I never got to go to Jersey State, so how about we all go to Hell U together?

Brownshirt #2: Man, I could never cut administration, the school work is too tough and the job market too tight. Damn it.

Hector: Don't be so depressed you don't have my skills!

Brownshirt #2: Don't you have depression?

Hector: Hey! It's clinical, it's not funny!

After this conversation, I gave serious thought about what decisions I wanted to make in my "life." Hell was just becoming more of the same. You have to try everything once I thought, and maybe it was time for me to try college on for size.

Part III

Chapter I: College Life

At this point, I wanted to do something different in Hell than just observing how horrible it was for some people. I was eating dinner with Loki, lobster tails again, and I brought it up to him.

Me: I've been thinking about it for a while Loki…I want to go to college.

Loki: What? And become a Brownshirt? What for, they're assholes!

Me: I heard that Hell U is like a regular college. You go to classes, hang out with people my age, you know, have fun. People don't stab each other for no reason there.

Loki: People in Hell U are all sma't 'n stuff, they know better than to just stab each other. But James, you're gonna leave me an empty nest? I thought you liked hangin' out and scammin' chicks with me!

Me: No, I like that, but…I had this same conversation with my dad. I want to be a man, make my own decisions, spread my wings and learn to fly high!

Loki: That's a really good point theuh James. There's an old prove'b about this. It's about this guy named Icarus who builds these wings like an eagle's and he was able to fly to the sun and touch it. The lesson is, yah know, uh, ya got to spread your wings man, learn some stuff, become a man. You gotta get out theuh. You gotta carve a place out for yourself of ya own.

Me: Whoa, Loki, that's heavy. I wished my dad understood me like you do.

Loki: I know, I'm all cool 'n stuff.

Me: Can I bring a couple of my friends there?

Loki: Aren't ya friends idiots?

Me: Uh, Saul's real smart. He's Jewish.

Loki: Well, that makes sense.

Me: Hector has been to Hell U before, he wants to go get his Masters.

Loki: Yeah, he'll have no problems gettin' in then, I know how the Dean works.

Me: Uh, Ryan is a bit of a moron.

Loki: It might be ha'd to get him in. We got quotas to fill…

Me: There's affirmative action in hell?

Loki: Oh come on, don't look so surprised, Hell's not just, it's hell! Okay, tell ya what. Go talk to the Dean and I'll personally make sure that you guys make it in.

Gee, it's great to know people in high places! So, I got my friends together and we entered Hell U's campus. It had brick buildings covered with ivy, a large clock tower chiming different tunes, dormitories extremely far away from campus… It's about a square mile, uh, is my math correct? Whatever, a square mile. For whatever reason, I noticed that the loud heavy metal music that played incessantly in the rest of Hell cannot be heard here. I looked around the campus and noticed everyone was hanging outside throwing Frisbees, talking on cell-phones, listening to their I-Pods, sometimes all at the same time. We walked into the main building and asked a secretary, who must have been a student there, if we could meet with the Dean. She shot me a smile, and as I felt my dick move, she told me while putting her hand on my shoulder that he was expecting us. She pointed us the way.

Me: You see that guys?

Hector: No I don't think so, she was looking at me.

Me: No, I'm better looking than you glasses-face.

Hector: "Oh, I'm James, I'm handsome." (mocking me)

Ryan: I'm the sexiest of the bunch bitches.

Saul: But who's better looking, James or Hector?

Ryan: Uh, James, he actually has nice eyes.

I tried to take it as a complement and said thanks.

Hector: Whatever.

We entered the Dean's office and saw Loki drinking some of scotch out of a bottle.

Me: Loki?!? You said you would talk to the Dean for us!

Loki: Uh, I am the Dean, I said I'll make sure you'll make it in! Guys, congratulations, you're the leaduhs of tomorrow! We need you future Brownshirts to keep the sinnuhs in line. Go registuh for classes, get your room ready, and get ready for the most vital years of your lifeuh! But remembuh, no alcohol!

Hector: Oh, I know Loki, I'm getting my Masters here. I know that it's serious that I concentrate on my studies so—

Loki: Guys? Do you hear that? Is that the wind? I don't hear anything!

Hector: Loki, but I served you for millions of years!

Loki: Huh? Guys, why are you just standing there?

Me: Peace out Loki.

Loki: Latuh man, remembuh it ain't rape if she's conscious!

As we walked out, Hector looked miffed that Loki ignored him. Brownshirts never seemed to get used to the fact Loki disliked them as much as any sinner. Anyway, we got to our suite and started setting it up. None of us brought all that much. All you need in college is a duffel bag full of 7 pairs of clothes and a laptop. You can just borrow everything else you need! However, we did need to buy some things. We got some shitty couch, some more lights, and some cool Christmas lights because our parents won't be around to bitch about the appearance of our room. We also got an awesome flat screen, sound system, and some posters. I put up a really cool Scarface poster, because it was bad ass and a Godfather poster, because it made me look classy. We had this sweet poster of a chick bending down wearing a skimpy swimsuit, a Bob Marley poster, and even a "Beers of the World" poster. Saul got the brews and I got some more booze. We were set! Then we heard that a stupid fucking floor meeting was coming up.

We had two RAs there. One was this bitchy girl we called Hitler and the other was this dumb jock that loved weightlifting. He reminded us of an ape, so we called him Donkey Kong. They had us do a bunch of dumb icebreakers…

Hitler: Okay James, it's your turn to "ride that pony…"

I didn't want to puss out on the first day, so I started doing the stupid gallop and everyone sang something like, "Come on baby go ride that pony, come on now go ride that pony, front front front yeah baby, side side side yeah baby, back back back yeah baby, ride it like that." I picked a hot girl to do it next. Great, I was already getting smiles—still, I hoped college was more than stupid preschool games. Then DK started giving us a speech.

DK: Guys, in the Freshman dorm, we don't tolerate any drinking. We find any alcohol, you get referred to the Dean and he's a hard-ass.

Hitler: Yeah, and don't even think you can get away with smoking marijuana. It won't be tolerated. Now guys, your parents are not here, so it's important to talk about sex issues. You should always use protection.

I thought, "What for, no one gets pregnant in Hell and you get killed all the time here."

DK: I know some are you thinking that we get killed left and right in Hell, what's the difference? Hell's a bitch. Once you get a STD in Hell it stays with you for eternity and mostly everyone here has one!

All of us started looking at each other with distrust.

Hitler: That's why you should always use a condom and dental dam for oral sex. (Begins using patronizing voice) Of course guys, "The only sure way is abstinence."

We all laughed at her facetiousness.

Hitler: It's also really important that you should never have sex while intoxicated. That's rape!

I thought to myself, "What!"

Random Girl: Yeah, if someone is intoxicated, she is not able to consent.

We started nodding our heads, but Hector interjected, "Doesn't a girl give consent by virtue of being there with the guy? I mean, if you're getting drunk in a frat house around a bunch of guys looking for sex, what do you expect?"

The girls looked back at him like he was the most disgusting thing in the world.

Me: Shut up Hector! (whispers)

Hitler: This is a very serious issue! Lastly, you better leave the building when there's a fire drill or you'll be fined a thousand dollars!

It takes years to make a thousand dollars in Hell and keep it! And fire drill? Hell is an Inferno! Anyway, after the meeting we went back to the room, chilled out, had some beers, put a ziploc bag around the fire alarm and wet towels on the bottom of the front door so we can smoke weed, and started watching the first season of Star Trek.

Me: Hector, Star Trek is gay.

Ryan: Yeah, it's for homos.

Hector: No guys, I'm not a trekkie, but it's good.

After three hours we were hooked.

Saul: "We are the Metrons…" (Everyone laughs)

Hector: "Kirk, I grow weary from the chase. Wait for me. I shall be merciful and quiiiick." (everyone laughs)

Me: Man, this is fucking awesome! (swigging beer)

Hector: Guys, if you think this is great, you gotta see Quantum Leap!

We stood up to 4 AM watching Star Trek and drinking. College was kicking ass already. The next day, we woke up at around 10 and stood in our beds until noon. We left our door open to meet people so that we can be like everyone else.

College Dude: Hey guys, nice Scarface poster! You know, I got a real sweet Animal House one with Bluto chugging Jack [Daniel's.

Me: Nice!

Guys and girls came in and out. We went in and out of their rooms too. We caught wind that some fraternity house called "D-K," you know, Delta Kappa Whatever, and was throwing a party. We were showering for once and dressing with clothes that weren't completely wrinkled and filthy. This might surprise you, but no one dresses good in college…or washes their clothes. You wear filthy old shower sandals everywhere with pajama pants and your college hoodie. When your shirts and underwear get dirty, you just turn them to the other side. Before the party, I had to lay some ground rules with my roommate Hector as we were pre-gaming.

Me: Hector, so we have a deal. If I bring a girl back, you will sleep in the community room.

Hector: Yeah, no problem.

Me: Shake on it?

Hector: Sure. (shake) I'm going to the college union to watch girls play pool.

Ryan: Yeah, right, that's gonna work?

Hector: "Oh, I'm Ryan, I get drunk."

Ryan: Whatever.

I changed the subject, and started speaking to everyone.

Me: Guys, did you know Lando Calrissian from Star Wars is Italian?

Saul: What?

Hector: No, he's black.

Me: No, seriously. He's half Sicilian and half Calabrese, he's just really dark skinned.

Hector: No way, stop kidding.

Me: Seriously, he even has an Italian last name.

Hector: Huh? Isn't his name Billy Dee Williams?

Me: Uh, no, that's his stage name. Nicholas Cage's real last name isn't Cage. Lando's real name is Randy (slight pause) Lando. That's why his character was named Lando, it was an inside joke.

Hector: Oh come on, I'm sure that was a coincidence.

Ryan: No fucking way.

Me: I'll bet 20 fucking dollars right now on it!

I had no takers!

Hector: I guess he doesn't look that black.

Saul: Yeah, you're right Hector.

Ryan: There are some Italians that get really black if they tan, or Sicilians that…

Me: Hey guys? I made that up.

Hector: Fucking asshole!

Saul: Jagermeister all 'round boys!

All of the sudden we heard knocks.

Ryan: Ditch the booze!

We quickly put the bottles behind the couch. I opened the door and it was Hitler!

Hitler: I saw you guys walking around with plastic cups and you're being really rowdy in there. Are you drinking alcohol?

Me: Oh no, my cup has water in it, you want a sip?

Hitler: No, that's okay.

Me: We were just debating abortion. Hector thinks a fetus is a human life.

Hector: It is human life!

Hitler: A woman has the right to do what she wants with her body—

Phew, close one! Hitler really had it in for us. No, not in the imaginary way that everyone thought Loki hated them especially. She always broke our balls even though people were way louder and played really annoying rap and other crappy music. Anyway, we left around 10:00 because everyone else was leaving at that time. For the first time since I died, I saw a night sky as opposed to the reddish sky I was used to. Apparently, night and day existed within the campus. The way the rules of Hell did not apply here made it seem like Hell U was some sort of bubble. Anyway, everyone in the dorm formed a giant freshman horde heading right towards D-K. I was psyched. They were psyched. We were all exchanging names and putting on our best faces. Who cares who you were in high school? No one knows your past, you can be anyone you want to in college. The party was not much different than the past parties I've been to. It was more crowded, dirtier, and had amenities like strobe lights. Well, compared to some rich parents' house, a dank and wet basement or shed, typical of any frat, wasn't as bad as it might seem. The girls were easy. Pretty quickly at my first party, I ran into a girl and started talking about music.

Some girl: Yeah, post-grunge is way better than what's out now.

She actually liked good rock like I did, and we chatted and drank for a couple hours. We waited until about 1:30 AM and I asked her if we could go back to her room to "talk." She said her roommate was there.

Me: Don't worry, I got a deal with my roommate.

And get this, when we got to my room, the asshole was sleeping and refused to leave!

Me: Hector, wake up, remember our deal? I need to bring a girl in here.

Hector: Huh? Is she hot? (groggy)

Me: She's okay, you need to leave.

Hector: No, uh, I got to fucking sleep.

So I settled for a hummer in a nearby common room and at least she swallowed. After I walked her to her dorm, I kissed her, and I felt like the fucking man. I was on top of the world, a college man! And I never had a girl that wasn't a demon-chick swallow before! Also, at the time I wanted something different than a demon-chick. I wanted something new. Of course, the demon-chicks were far more "talented," but I wanted a real girl. And I would have plenty of them.

After showering, I rolled into bed at 4 AM. A fucking fire alarm started 30 minutes later.

Hector: James, wake up, they're having a drill!

Me: Fuck it!

And so college continued, parties every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday; ignoring fire drills—oh yeah, and classes. I got a lot of hook ups and I made sure to throw Hector the fuck out of my room when I wanted to.

Hot girl: Ooh, what's that blue armband? Did Loki privilege you or something?

Me: You only know the half of it!

The girls were never as good as the demon-chicks, but that wasn't everything. I mean, the demon-chicks made me very experienced. Word got around about my sexual prowess and that felt better than the sex itself. I committed dormcest and bagged so many girls at the frats that all of them wanted me to pledge. Pledging mostly sucked. At the time I thought it was cool to prove how manly I was by going through the thick of it. First they made us watch Animal House and get all psyched up. Then it got much worse. We had to finish cases of beer every night, carry house plants with us to class, be on call 24/7 to do stupid pranks…Then one day I was opening my window and there was Tank, a portly frat brother of mine, with a carton of cigarettes in his mouth, a keg in his right arm and a "five pack" dangling on his left hand.

Tank: Hey dude, you did it, it's time to celebrate! (garbled)

I walked outside happily greeting him when all of a sudden a black hood was shoved over my head and I was thrown in the back of a pick-up truck. I heard voices yelling, "We got that D-K asshole!" Shit, Phi Beta was getting me back for helping steal their kegs before their open [party as a requirement for my D-K pledging. I was tied up in the middle of Hell's woods for three days. At this point, I was convinced I was a goner. "Help me! Anyone! Please guys this is not funny."

I feared I would be stuck there for all of eternity, because I couldn't escape and there was no method of suicide. These guys must have been pissed, because we really fucked up their party. I then heard voices ranting about how they were going to rape me! Fuck! This is the part of Hell that sucked and my blue armband couldn't save me! Oh I wished I didn't leave Loki!

Voice: Let me have his ass first!

Then my pants were pulled down.

Voice: I want the dick to see my face before I shove my dick in his mouth!

Shit! I was crying hysterically. Then the hood was pulled off and all of this beer was shot into my face.

Tank and other D-Ks: Got ya!

Everyone laughed while they were shaking beer cans and getting me soaked. We all got drunk and I instantly re-earned my respect when I got Tank back by calling the Health Center about my "concerns" over his "mental health." He was forced to attend suicide counseling. I decided to steal the tapes that were supposedly used only for "transcription purposes," and eventually got one of them with him crying to the psychologist about how his dad hit him. During the next open I made sure Saul, Ryan, and even Hector came. When the party really got started and the girls were grinding the guys, after a smooth ass jam, or was it a hot beat, we had Tank do his usual announcement…

Tank: Now honeys come to big papa, because my song is ON! "Ridin' Dirty" bitches!

All of the sudden I played the tape from one of his sessions…

Psychiatrist: So your father—hit you?

Tank: Yeah, he hit me! (Weeping) He didn't love me (snorts) he loved his girlfriend and never paid attention to me. (Wailing)

Tank's face turned blood red. The frat boys laughed their asses off. Nothing was worse than public humiliation and that got me in! Anyway, I never went to live in the frat house full-time because quite frankly, it was even filthier than the dorm if that was possible. Not only that, I did like my classes at the time. Even though I was undeclared, I was really into my philosophy of religion class. My professor really "opened my mind." I remember one "point" of his specifically.

Professor: If God is benevolent, why is there evil? Is He evil? If God is all powerful, why is he powerless to stop me from calling his power into question? If God is not benevolent and omnipotent, is He even worth worshipping?

This one time I had to write a paper in his class on the deonotological argument or something. Just like most of my papers, I waited until the very last second to start it. Here's what happened that night:

Hector: Hey, let's play Road Rash [a motorcycle racing videogame on the Sega.

Me: Cool.

(…)

Me: Call me "chains!" (uses weapon to swing at Hector)

Hector: Oh yeah! (swings his bat) Call me "bat!" Hey Saul, get in on this!

Saul: No man, I got a fucking paper to write.

Me: Fuck! I have an essay to write for tomorrow!

Hector: How long?

Me: Five fucking pages, fuck!

I ran to the Hell U library and ran right to the part of the stacks where books in my subject were. I grabbed the first six books that had anything to do with my essay and ran to the computer lab.

Me: Fuck!

Every computer left in the lab was an Apple and I found them impossible to use! Hey, Hell U is in Hell after all.

Me: How do I fucking double space?

It took me an hour just to change fonts and make the margins a little thinner so it would be easier to get to five pages. I had enough of that, so I switched onto one of the PCs as soon one opened, losing my original file. However, every time I started my paper and tried to save it, the PC illegally opped.

Me: Fuck, Windows ME! Shit!

Damn, Hell sucked! So I ran back to the room to use Hector's laptop, and the thing was as slow as hell because of all the spy bots. Hey, it was better than nothing. As I was trying to hammer out my first paragraph, Saul peeked in.

Saul: Hey man, Mario Kart tourney!

Yeah, I thought I needed a little break. Hector got ahead of me 9 to 2 and started dropping a few games.

Hector: Yeah, it's nothin' but a thang. You should just give up, you'll never win!

I started winning a few. Then I beat the beach track and was only one behind him.

Hector: Okay, now I really got to beat you!

I won then next track, tying up the series.

Hector: FUCK! FUCK!

Then I won the one after that, taking the lead.

Hector: FUCK, I'm going to tie on the next one, you'll see!

Then I annihilated him on Rainbow Road.

Hector: FFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He started running in circles around the room with his arms flailing.

Hector: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

He ran into the hallway and started punching the shit out of the water fountain.

Hector: Fucking piece of shit!

He then went to take a long walk to forget about his choke of the century. Shit, it was already 3 AM and I still didn't do shit with my paper! So, I just started writing about anything, using long quotes, trickily justifying the margins, making up citations. Anything to make it look like I finished the paper. It was burning me out so bad that I had to IM Saul a few times just to keep the brain juices flowing.

Me: What are you doing?

Saul: I'm like 12 feet away. How about you come and find out.

Me: No man, I got this fucking paper to finish.

Saul: That sucks. I'm going to go play CS [Counterstrike, L8R.

Finally, at 6:30 AM I finished the paper. I managed to get an hour of sleep before I had to run to the computer lab to print it out. After I printed and stapled it, I had to run as fast as I could to my 8:20 class. I tripped and fell on dog shit and it got all over the back of my paper. I wiped most of it off so it would be hard to see, and I got to my class. Only six of us were there. Shit! Why didn't I just skip class and finish my paper later like everyone else? The professor asked us to read our papers. Afterward, he asked us questions.

Professor: Now, if Anselm's logic is sound, why would it not be valid for God to exist? If I can fathom something that is infinitely great, that being God, and that if it did not exist, it would not be as great as what it is by definition, infinitely great, thus God must exist, right?

Me: Uh, no. Existence is not an attribute. I am a guy, I am Italian, I am wearing a green shirt. I am not existence.

Professor: Very good.

People loved talking about God at college. They snubbed their noses at It. They doubted that It was real and thought of every reason how that could possibly be true. They seemed to gloss over the obvious fact they were in Hell. However, I started becoming attracted to this thought. I was growing disillusioned with this supposed God and His justice in Hell. A just God would not let there be such a Hell. A God in His mercy would forgive those of us here who were intelligent enough to understand how it all worked.

Anyway, even though I went to classes, scored chicks, drank booze, smoked weed, and tried all sorts of drugs, the thing I did most in college was spend time in my suite. Most of college life was burning time. I usually wasted time playing videogames like MVP Baseball 07, going on the internet IMing my college buddies, watching TV, eating, and whenever I had time I slept, studied, and went to class. The longer I was in college, the more tired I got. After a few months, I routinely skipped class. Hell, most people did. We all felt we were overworked, and deserved some rest and a good time. Since I spent a lot of time in my suite, I got to _really_ know Saul, Ryan, and Hector. At the same time, other things in my life started making me dissatisfied with my situation. Ryan (finally) came out as a homosexual and he was attracted to me out of all people. As I was dealing with this, Hector was bugging the living shit out of me.

Saul was as great of a friend as ever. Since Paul went to heaven, I took advantage of being with one of the people I was friends with on Earth. He partied like the rest of us, but he took college seriously, I mean, the dude had a 3.7 GPA his freshman semester. He really wanted that black armband. Saul helped me study sometimes but we usually played videogames and hung out together on campus. He knew I was not the workaholic he was. Saul was fine, but I was truly trying to enjoy the experience, so I decided not to pay much attention to him. Despite the fact he was cool with this, I regret it. I mean, I have not seen him for decades and when we finally meet again, we put each other on the back-burner.

Ryan was being a real dick. Ever since he became gay and asked me out, he acted obviously ashamed and defensive. We never got along since. It got to the point where he started getting violent and belligerent. The fucker choked me, stole from me, started fights, and pretty much acted like an asshole. Since I knew the Dean, I thought I could easily get him kicked out of the room. Instead, he went to the administration and claimed _I_ was violent and had himself removed from the room. He was the hell out so I couldn't have been any happier.

All the while other bullshit was going on. Living with Hector was a pain in the ass. I mean, he was as much of a degenerate as one might expect. He never went to class and tried to never sleep. He gambled between Star Trek episodes, got sick all the time, and messed up the room every time he got angry!

Hector: FUUUUUCK!!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! WHERE'S MY FUCKING WALLET!

He threw crap all around my room and then messed up our entire living room! He literally ripped the sheets off his bed, dumped clothes out of their drawers, ripped paper from his desk, pulled everything out of his closet…After the chairs were flipped over and the papers were thrown everywhere, he went to his laptop to IM a friend about the whereabouts of his wallet. Maybe he left it at the poker table. However, because he downloaded so much porn, spy bots rendered it inoperable.

Hector: WORK GOD DAMN IT, WORK YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

He banged on the keyboard like a gorilla on a rampage and then when he was able to take no more, he threw his laptop like a Frisbee. It spun and shattered as it hit the wall. He also became more sarcastic and selfish. Maybe I did not notice it more before, but it really seemed to be pissing me off now. Hector used to be infatuated with me (because of my armband) but he no longer cared about it, or he was just too concerned with himself.

Okay, if he wanted to become a recluse, I can live with that, but I couldn't live with his filth. He kept so many pizza boxes, half drunken sodas, and unclean laundry laying on mounds on the floor, a trail of ants literally started entering my room. I just avoided sleep and drank more coffee.

All this started was dragging me down and I just couldn't think straight anymore. I wanted to learn, but I could no longer stand my classes. I partied more, hooked up more, even started sleeping over at the frat house. I tried distracting myself with anything that might make me happy, but all I did just seemed to make Hell suck more than it had to. I even resorted to joining more Hell U clubs and reading up on politics. Nothing was working, but then we got a new roommate in the suite.

Strong Man: Hey fellas, is this Room 202?

Saul: Yeah, why do you ask?

Strong Man: I just got into college dude! I'm done with the brimstone mines. I'm shooting for Brownshirt Administration. I deserve it!

Saul: Hey, my name is Saul, that's Hector, and here's my buddy James…Do you want a brew?

Strong Man: Hell yeah! I have been in college for 45 minutes and I'm not fucking loaded yet! You guys got any microbrews?

Me: We got light beers.

I never asked him his name, and I somehow still don't know his name. I tossed him a can of liquid bread. He looked at the beer.

Strong Man: … (Scoffs) … Fuckin' pussies! By the way, nice to see you James, here's to you!

He cracked open the can and chugged it.

Strong Man: Where the hell's my room? I want to start getting settled here!

We shown him to Saul's room. He quickly adjusted to living with us and he became a fixture in our suite really fast. He regaled us of tales of banging college chicks, going to the bar off-campus with the PIGS (they're another frat), telling us how Captain Kirk was "his boy," and about his plans of becoming a Brownshirt. One day between beers the Strong Man and I discussed what one needs to be happy.

Strong Man: Hey James, you really got to have a plan, what do you mean you are still undeclared?

Me: You know, I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I have to go to college, but I really don't know what to do with it.

Strong Man: Oh come on, you should be having more fun than that!

Me: I'm having fun! But—

Strong Man: But nothing! You have all fucking eternity! I mean, if you don't like the job you get after college, you could always get your Masters in something else! Stop being such a whiney girl man!

Me: That's it. That's fucking it. I figured it out.

Strong Man: You're gay? I have nothing against gays, just don't get all gay on me.

Me: No no, I mean, I never had a whiny girlfriend before.

Strong Man: You never got laid?

Me: Hell no! I mean, I get one-night stands, but I never had a real girlfriend. People have girlfriends because it makes them happy. I mean, it's great having the boys around, but there are things men share with women that we can never share with other men.

Strong Man: You're sounding like a real articulate college boy! When I was alive, I was going out with this hot Italian thing. I mean, she cooked, she cleaned, and she fucking swallowed! It was great! I mean, not everything is sex but my girlfriend made me really happy!

Me: What happened to her?

Strong Man: I was only 20 and I wasn't ready to get married, so I juggled her and a couple of girls around until it all blew up in my face. Good times, good times…

Me: Uh, yeah. That's it! I'm going to get a girlfriend! I'll start tonight! (I left the room quickly, with a rush of motivation)

Strong Man: Fuckin' homo. (Chugs beer)

I went to my Progressive Students Party club to discuss the effects of the prevailing economics and power structures of Hell. I mean, if we were able to get off the grid and live far away from Loki and the things like the Hell-Cafeteria he uses to keep us within his grasp, we would be able to create a Heaven on Hell. At the meeting, I locked eyes with a girl who reminded me of Jess. She looked more sophisticated and dressed with a blanket for a shirt with a pair of jeans. In fact, she was a hippy like most of the members of the club. She had beautiful brown hair and some great legs, but her skin was definitely lighter. Doesn't matter she didn't have a tan, I mean, that ass and those tits…Anyway, I was staring at her and she was noticing me, and my blue armband. I spoke up on the subject of why I wanted change. Loki was becoming a distant memory. Since she looked impressed, I believed the rubbish I was saying a little more. The meeting was adjourned and I asked her to join me at the coffee shop. I found out her name, it was Rachel, and found out her life story. She apparently was indeed a hippy and while experimenting with the counter-culture after leaving her husband, she ended up over dosing on heroin. She only recently put her afterlife back together and we started discussing how we were doing at school. She admitted to cheating on tests by using files that the Progressive Students Party amassed.

Rachel: Yeah, I know it's unethical, but the tests really aren't important, it's what you learn.

Me: Yeah, I totally agree. I have really been learning a lot just by listening. Cramming for a test does not help one way or the other.

Rachel: Well, you can use the file that the "Prog" Party uses. Sometimes the tests are outdated, but you'll pass.

Me: Oh, I got a better system, I get my answers right from the source.

Rachel: You get the tests right out of the copy room?

Me: Hell yes! I mean, I don't study much, but I am as smart as anyone else. It's just such a rat-race down here.

Rachel: You think things are tough for you, look how much is stacked against me because I am a woman.

Me: I would like to say I know what you mean, but can you explain? (I started to nod approvingly to everything she said)

Rachel: Men are always more powerful than women. The professors grade us harder than the men, because they think we are stupid. We always have lower-level Hell-jobs than men, jobs that pay less! I mean, we can work as hard as anyone else and never have as much status as a man! Also, men stare at us like sexual objects when we are their mothers, daughters, sisters…

I was staring at her cleavage.

Me: Wha, what? Oh, you're exactly right, I mean… Uh—

Rachel: Men treat us like we have no feelings, like we live to serve them. Outside of this campus, we get raped left and right. They treat us like we do not enjoy anything or feel anything, so we're treated like objects. We enjoy sex as much or even more than men.

Me: Why wouldn't you?

Rachel: How old are you? When are you from?

Me: Can't you tell? I can see you're from the sixties.

Rachel: I was dead before you silly, I don't know when you're from by your clothes!

Me: I'm 18 and from the year 2007. Of course girls like sex.

Rachel: Well, in my time, it was all about what the man wanted.

Me: … That ain't right!

We talked politics, some more family history, and because I wanted to be classy, I didn't even kiss her. I returned to the suite and saw the Strong Man febreezing his t-shirt.

Me: What the hell are you doing?

Strong Man: Doing laundry. Who has the time in college to go all the way to the laundry room?

I looked across the hall and saw the machines humming.

Me: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hector in the meantime was throwing as much of his mound of dirty laundry as he can into an empty drawer, which he proceeded to bring to the machines across the hall. At this point he was wearing a tuxedo, because it was his only clean garment left.

Hector: Hey James!

Me: Who's wedding is it?

Hector: Me and the laundry machine's. We put it off, but I'm ready to commit.

Strong Man: That's very romantic. Anyway James, you have a smile a mile wide, who sucked your dick?

Me: No, it's not about that. I think I'm actually falling for somebody.

Strong Man: You don't need girlfriends in Hell! Keep doing what you're doing now.

Me: No, I want something more than I have now. I think this is it, it will fill the void. She's smart, funny, pretty, fun to talk to—

Strong Man: So is every girl that you plan on fucking more than once!

Me: Saul what do you think? (screaming)

Saul: What?!? I'm in the fucking shower! (screaming back)

Hector: Tell you what James. Get her some flowers and ask to court her! She'll know you're serious.

Me: I thought it was "all about the game."

Hector: Yeah, but if you want to be serious, you can't play her.

Me: It's Hell, no one likes corny shit like flowers.

Hector: Hey, I'm 22, I know a few things about the world.

Every guy I knew, Saul, Hector, the Strong Man—even Captain Kirk—none were giving me good advice on women. If this was really love I was feeling, it would just come naturally to me. If it was meant to be, it would just work out. There's someone for everyone.

So after seeing Rachel in a few classes, "bumping" into her totally by "surprise," and talking to her again after another political meeting…she was so eager to talk after those, those 50s-60s Communists are real dicks. They never let women speak up at their meetings—what was I saying? Okay, so, at this point we were becoming actual friends. So I decided the stalking and the talking were not enough. I had to do the absolute manliest thing I could think of. She lived on the third floor of a building on the opposite side of campus. After 9:00 PM you couldn't get in the front door without permission. I called her up and told her I was coming by in 30 minutes so we can meet and go "somewhere." I had no such plans. I got there early on purpose and then scaled the building from the outside by going between two parts that permitted me to scale it by using friction. I was scared shitless, but it was Hell, the worst thing that would happen is I would fall and get paralyzed, have a friend mercy kill me, and start all over. Anyway, by the time I got all the way up, I reached her window and knocked on it.

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Me: I thought I would "hang" out with you. (dangling on the outside ledge)

Two hours later in her dorm…

Me: Oh man, that was…something else!

It felt better because it was a new conquest. I mean, it felt like more than lust at the time. We actually talked about deep things beforehand that wasn't music. Sure, we got physical in our relationship a little quick, but that was a sixties thing.

Rachel: Yeah, I never knew someone your age could fuck like that.

Me: Yeah, you know what? It's more than that. I feel something more than that.

Rachel: You do?

Me: I mean, I understand you. No one has ever made me feel this way like you.

Rachel: And you actually listen to me unlike the other Marxists!

Me: What do you mean?

Rachel: They never let me talk at those meetings.

Me: They should, I think you're the smartest person there.

Rachel: Really?

The years at college started passing and I finally felt that I had it all figured out. I had a steady girl at my side, I was finishing up my classes, everyone on campus knew me, I had access to all the best parties…Things were great. I finally settled on a philosophy major. I had to argue for things I didn't believe in, like the divine right of kings, but that didn't matter. I did not care I had to argue things I did not believe. Because with philosophy, you grew to believe them and the "truth" becomes clearer and clearer to you. Don't get confused. No one there believed in an absolute truth as you might know that exists. The truth was simply what worked best at the moment, a social construction, an idea that changes with time and as we know more. Or so I thought.

Rachel and I by our fifth year in college were applying for work with the Brownshirts, but we were realizing that it was hard as hell to get any job. Gee was Hector lucky, I thought. I didn't think of asking Loki for a favor. At this point, I was turned totally against him because I saw him as the source of all that was wrong in Hell. Only if Loki didn't screw things up, we would be able to make Hell a better place.

Me: I can't believe I wasted 5 years of my life doing this!

Rachel: At least I found you!

Me: And I found you, baby.

Rachel: I know you are disheartened with the Marxist movement here on campus and that we cannot get jobs anywhere else, but don't worry about it. Anyone who becomes a Brownshirt is just part of the system anyway.

Me: Yeah, you're right.

Rachel: I know a bunch of friends who are starting a commune. Sure, we can't change the rest of Hell, but we can change ourselves and live in our own fair and just society.

Me: That sounds great. What are we waiting for? Should we pack?

Rachel: What are material possessions? Do they fulfill us?

Me: I never thought of it that way.

At this point, the popularity, the prepared food, the booze, the possessions—they were becoming stale. And so I left college with her, wiser than before, ready to embark on life itself.

Chapter II: Communes are Just Another Ism

So we hitchhiked across the country towards San Fran—yes, there's a Hell version of San Francisco. There, I met up with friends of Rachel's. Essentially, they were all pasty white guys and gals who often wore loose-fitting clothing or military jackets.

Hippy Dude #1: Rachel, who's this guy?

Rachel: Oh, this is my lover, James. He really wants to be part of our movement.

Hippy Gal #1: You want to remake Hell into a better and more positive place?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Hippy Gal #2: How about the pigs? Do you hate the pigs?

Me: I was once one of those guys. I was privileged and associated myself with Loki and the Brownshirts. I was able to get anything I wanted, but it was all meaningless. (Hippies nod) I just want to see what there is out there, discover who I am, and try to make this crappy place better than it is.

Hippy Dude #2: That's some deep stuff there. All of us are the same.

Me: You are all privileged?

Rachel: Yeah, my father was a very successful business owner on Earth, and my husband was a stockbroker.

Hippy Gal #3: My family were all lawyers.

Hippy Dude #1: Same here.

Me: Yeah, same here in life and death. I find it really unfair that because of the color of my skin and armband that I have so much more than everyone else.

Hippy Dude #3: I'm sure Rachel told you, but we figured out a way to deal with all of this: tune on, tune in, drop out. (Everyone nods and agrees vocally in approval)

Me: What do you mean?

Hippy Dude #3: We need to raise some money so we can get away from the corrupting influences of capitalist society. After that, we open our minds and constructively work towards our own self-actualization alongside the greater good.

Me: That seems to make sense.

Hippy Dude #1: That "seems?"

Rachel: Oh, go easy on him, he's never dropped LSD before.

They introduced me to new drugs, such as LSD and heroin, not to get fucked up, but for mind expansion. Unless you know how you would feel in an altered state, how would you ever know? This expands you consciousness, helps you realize who you are and what you want to set out doing. It's more than getting fucked up. Sure, it felt like getting fucked up, but I was "learning."

Drugs were not free, so when we did not reside in the commune in a nearby rural area, we took turns working in San Fran. During this time, I got myself a sweet denim jacket and a bad-ass pair of military pants in a second-hand store I found work in. For some more scratch, I joined a mime troop, which was barely above street begging. We all brought all the money back and shared it in common. However, all we ever did was fight about it.

Hippy Gal #1: Stop holding out on us!

Hippy Gal #3: No, I didn't! I didn't waste all the money on heroin and use it on myself!

Rachel: I didn't use more than my share, if you want to do the shopping, then go do it!

Hippy Gal #3: I would if you didn't always hog the Corsica [the sole car that we had at the commune!

Me: Guys, we'll just hunt more.

Hippy Guy #2: Yeah, good idea.

Rachel: You're going to have to get off you ass more and fucking work for once!

Hippy Guy #2: Don't get on my fucking case! (leaves room)

It often went on like this. By necessity, my hunting skills improved, but because no one shared all their money, food, or drugs, I started keeping my own. People kept hogging the car…We kept fighting over money….We were low on the basic necessities of life. The commune was barely staying afloat.

Me: I'm so hungry, do we have any food?

Hippy Girl #3: Maybe when Rachel comes back from San Fran, she'll have some food. How about you go hunt us a deer?

Me: Why should I do all the hunting?

Hippy Guy #1: Stop being so selfish! Share the wealth!

Me: How about you hunt?

Hippy Guy #1: Man, I'm busy right now working on my book.

Hippy Girl #2: That book doesn't feed us!

Hippy Guy #1: Stop infringing on my individuality!

Me: Well, if you guys won't hunt, I won't.

Hippy Guy #1: Fine!

Rachel: Guys, I'm back. I brought back some "H."

Everyone then crowded around her, including myself. It distracted us from the fact that we were slowly starving. Afterward, when I was stoned out of my skull, I fucked Rachel. She then showed me that she had some food saved up for a time like this—that or she bought it and did not tell anyone. We greedily ate it…it was the drugs that made us act greedy…we weren't really greedy. The system was sound.

Then this one time, after we were able to muster up a dinner, a wandering bard came by asking for food. I remember telling them, maybe we should spread the wealth. Apparently, I was young and naïve. We couldn't afford feeding people who weren't us. So, a group of us grabbed him and threw him off our land. The next morning, I woke up only to find that one of our bows and some arrows was missing—the bard apparently went into the shed and took these things so he can hunt and feed himself. A huge fight broke out over this.

Hippy Guy #2: That homeless guy must've stole our bow! We can't afford just to give away all our bows to every guy who walks by here!

Me: What are we supposed to do?

Hippy Girl #1: Track him down and get our things back.

Me: What about the idea that we should share with the less fortunate?

Rachel: We are the unfortunate as well. We can't afford to make those sacrifices—others should.

I still thought I had a lot to learn from these people, so I accepted what I said. However, the utter hypocrisy unsettled me and I just distracted myself with more drugs. I ended up falling asleep on some couch, some corner of San Fran, on the roof of the Corsica, somewhere with a needle hanging out of my arm. I was surrounded by people, but I felt a lack of any sort of human affection. The needle became my escape, and I grew disgusted with myself.

Me: Rachel, I am hating who I am becoming. I don't think this is working here.

Rachel: I feel the same. I think it's time we stop being monogamous.

Me: Why, you're all I have!

Rachel: And you're all I have, and we are going to feel alone if we don't have anything else. We should share each other with everyone, just like we share everything else. If we learn to share everything, we will finally be able to make this all work!

Me: I don't know, I feel like it is wrong.

Rachel: Sometimes you are so naïve. How do you know what it feels like? I have done it before, it makes your love grow. Our love will grow too.

I took her word for it without any more of a fight. Truth be told, I already started lusting for the sort of sex lives everyone else in the commune was having. And though the other hippies were no demon-chicks, it felt good to have some more variety. However, whenever I saw Rachel with another man, with the looks on their faces, a rage built within me. Maybe I was too young or stupid to understand, but the experience was making a hate grow within me instead of love. The lazy hippies never lifted a finger. All they did was get stoned and fuck my girlfriend. They were all holding out on food and drugs on everyone else, and I was not sharing the deep emotional attachment I had with Rachel with others. My love could not grow with these people in an environment that stressed self-discovery with so many distractions. I didn't know who I was. I just kept getting side tracked by their annoyingness. To be honest, I wanted to take Rachel with me and just leave, because I knew the commune was not accomplishing anything worthwhile. I tried to discuss it with her.

Me: I don't think the sharing is no longer working. This free love, sexual freedom, I don't feel free. I feel enslaved to my jealousy when I see you with other men. Maybe churches warn against adultery for good reason.

Rachel: Religions are a form of persecution more than belief. They made these rules in order to keep a stable blood line for the man's inheritance. There is no reason you can't be free to enjoy physical pleasures apart from one another! Jealously in this matter is not ingrained in you! It is socialized.

It made sense, it was rational, but I just felt that it was wrong. So I did not say anything more. I prepared to leave the cultish circle of drugs and lazy nitwits who never felt like working and finally embark on finding out who I really was and discover the world. I wanted to get in touch with myself and find out everything there is—not merely listen and follow other people. In my stomach and consuming my mind was a hunger to know all there is to know, see all there is to see. Everything else in Hell I thought was temporary and unfulfilling. I tried leaving secretly, but Rachel saw me throwing my duffle bag into the back of the commune's Corsica.

Rachel: Where are you going? Aren't things great here?

Me: Rachel, I love you, but, there is more to life than sitting around here. There are so many things I don't know and have not seen. I learned all I have here in Hell is what I know. Loki will destroy this commune one day and everything in it and then I will have nothing. All I have are my memories and my experiences.

Rachel: You can't just leave—

Me: I'll come back for you. We have an eternity for that…

I immediately tried to gather up whatever wisdom I knew on the reason why I had to leave and see what there was out there.

Me: I take no credit for this, but I heard it somewhere before that sometimes you have to run away and never say goodbye, you have to know the truth and knock off the useless shit in life. That way you can know the answers instead of the lies. I just have to shut the door and open up my mind to what is out there. You, me—we're nothing. All of this is what counts.

And on that note I left and never saw her again.

Chapter III: Strange Highways

I started up the Corsica and went my way. The window was down, the wind was blowing in my hair, and I just kept traveling down the highway to Hell…wherever Hell took me. As I was driving, it reached a point where everything looked the same. No more scenic fire pits or jagged mountains. Just flat earth rolling as far as the eye can see. I had no reason to turn on the radio on the car as the music of Hell was pumping. All I wanted was to see where life would take me. I was banging on my dashboard and driving along when the engine started sputtering—the car was out of gas. I rolled to a stop and I was not emotional, not disappointed. I just grabbed my duffle bag, slammed the car door, and went my way down the strange highway.

As I saw some of Hell's animals in the distance far from the road and my hunger increased, I decided to leave it. My work at the commune taught me to hunt. I barely scraped by, and just kept journeying to wherever life would take me. Eventually, there were no animals to hunt and I have journeyed too far to return to where I saw them last. I was parched and had nothing to drink. I thought I was a goner. I had nothing left. I collapsed to the ground. I was going to dehydrate to death here and rematerialize only to dehydrate again. All of the sudden I was poked quite hard with a stick.

Man: I have not seen you here before.

Me: Uhhh…wha?

Man: What's wrong with you?

Me: Wha…what?

Man: Oh, you're new. You think you starve and dehydrate to death in Hell? You can't starve and dehydrate!

Me: You…can't?

Man: No, you're dead stupid. You don't need food and water to be alive. You only starve if you hunger for food and dehydrate if you have thirst.

Me: How, how…how do you know?

Man: I'm Ulysses. No one here has seen more than me around here. I have journeyed to the far flung parts of this world. Yes, I have learned a lot and have acquired great wisdom…

Me: Hey, am I starving?

Ulysses: No! You only starve if you hungry for food. I haven't eaten in 3,274,519,005,366 years. Nonetheless, I have lost count of how long it has been since I have been here…

Me: I thought you knew everything. (I stood up)

Ulysses: Well, before I journeyed I always refought the Trojan War. I didn't care about the truth then. However, on my way back to Ithaca after one of the wars, I decided that if I was going to be here forever, I had to come to know everything there is. I had the desire to gain experience of the world and learn about man's vices and his worth. What better place than here? So, I went on my journey. Why? We cannot deny ourselves the opportunity to know everything of this world that no one else has seen. We are not made to live like animals, we live to pursue virtue and knowledge. The only we can do this is by amassing knowledge of everything there is! You can't just listen. You have to see it with your own eyes.

Me: Uh, yeah…Yeah! What should I go see?

Ulysses: Oh, there are so many sights. You're a beginner, so let me point you that—

All of the sudden a spear was thrown into him. I looked and saw some medieval guy running towards me.

Ulysses: Pizarro you fucking asshole!

They began beating the shit out of each other and I just ran as far away from them as I could. After a few days I stopped running and began walking. Then I kept walking. Still, everything was the same…even the ground was like seamless slate. Just the same old same old. Eventually the ground became this cracked sort of dirt, you know, like you see after a drought. As I was walking looking around, seeing what there was out there, I heard someone yell…

Scraggly Guy: What the fuck did you just do?

Me: Huh?

He started running after me, so I fled. After a while, I turned my head as I was running and noticed he stopped. Then I looked back straight ahead and I collided into a few guys. As I hit the ground, I prepared to defend myself.

Viking Guy: Good job!

Medieval Chinese Guy: Yessss…

English Guy: I like this kid, taking out our competition.

Me: Huh, what competition?

English Guy: The mapmakers. They all try to make maps better than ours.

Me: Who are you?

English Guy: Me? Henry Hudson. You probably don't know me.

Me: I learned all about you.

Hudson: That's great kid. Anyway, don't you know why that person wanted to kill you?

Me: No!

(They all laughed)

Hudson: You destroyed his map! He was carving it into the ground and you stepped on it. Here's our map. (points)

There was this huge expanse of strange carvings into the ground stretching as far as my eyes can see.

Viking Guy: We have the biggest one down here. However, it is still in the works. We agree to venture off to the unknown corners of the world and come back here to fill out what we did not know before. Then, after carving out the new parts, we lightly fill it back with dust so no one sees it.

Medieval Chinese Guy: Don't you want to come to know the world?

Me: Isn't that unlawful carnal knowledge?

Hudson: No, that's a Van Halen album.

Me: Oh, I have been rooming with a Van Halen fan, sorry. Hey, how do you know what Van Halen is?

Hudson: We have come to know the world!

Me: Wow, you must know a lot!

Viking Guy: But there is always more to know.

Me: Wow, I never thought of it that way. I knew that I wanted to know, but—

Medieval Chinese Guy: But now you know you have to see everything the world has to offer! I know, I've been there. I never got to circumnavigate the Earth and I have never forgiven myself. I did not make the same mistake twice. When I first arrived here, I wasted not a single moment before using my every effort to see the far reaches of this place.

Me: Is there an end?

Viking Guy: That's what we're trying to find out.

Hudson: I really like this guy. He has our hunger. Join us! How about you go in that direction and tell us what you find. (points)

Me: Sure! When should we meet back?

Viking Guy: Um, how about two billion years? Walk one billion years in that direction and then walk back.

Me: I give you my word that I won't let you down.

So I bid them farewell and went on my way. And I walked…and walked…and walked…and ran…and walked…Twenty thousand years, yes I was counting, passed. I did what I could to avoid the other mapmakers, and if I found maps they did not protect, I destroyed them to help out my new friends.

My mind was hurting. There was so much more! So much more! The only thing that would ever distract me from these thoughts was the idea that I could know more than others. So I went out of my way to destroy even more maps, point others in the wrong direction, and do anything in order to make it that I would know more than them. In a way, by destroying their work, I felt more secure that it was I who really knew the world. There was no other truth out there, just what I knew.

And Hell just kept on going. Everything was the same. Oh, a mountain there! I climbed up it and looked into all directions…Oooh, another mountain in the distance. Climbed up that one. Nothing in the distance besides the last mountain I climbed up. And it continued like this!

Thousands of more years passed, and even though I knew more about this world than ever before, I said to myself, "Wait, this is all stupid. Hell sucks, there's nothing really worth knowing here and you can't find it all out anyway." So I was back on square one, and was finished with this futility. I decided to seek out some of the great minds of history. Maybe they would teach me so that I can actually come to realize something worth knowing.

Chapter IV: The Wise and the Young

In me there still resided a hunger for the truth, but I admitted to myself that I still had a lot to learn. So I started searching for Hell's great minds. This way, I would learn what the truth is from the Earth's greatest minds. I found out the following from a fellow journeyer:

Me: Do you know where Hell's great minds are?

Journeyer: Do you know where Erikson's, Hudson's, and Zheng's map is?

So we exchanged information and I learned that all the great minds went to the Symposium. It was a giant stadium where they all went to discuss their theories with each other. Thanks to my blue armband, I was able to gain entrance. I assume the demon guards did not allow people who weren't great minds in. That didn't matter, the blue armband meant the rules did not apply to me.

Thanks to my college education, I was actually able to discern who these guys were by how they looked and talked.

I saw Honest Abe and good ol' George Washington.

Me: Hey, Wow! A mattress sale!

Then I saw Osama bin Laden among the crowd.

Me: What are you doing here?

Osama: Yeah man, what the fuck! I died fighting for Allah's cause! I mean, shit nigga. I declared by fatwa a Jihad, that made it just!

Me: No, you're not a great mind!

Osama: I'm a soljuh [soldier man, but I've got fame and shit. Anyone who is famous and has half a brain can hang out here. Look, there's Richard Nixon!

Me: Let me guess, you're not a crook.

Richard Nixon: That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Ronald Reagan: Shit son, you've been saying that for years dawg.

Me: Ronnie, why do you talk like that?

Ronald Reagan: Damn, it's Hell! It doesn't have to make sense. Why do we all speak English?

Babe Ruth: I heard it has something to do with that really tall tower over there.

I looked and saw this ancient looking tower going as high as I can possibly see.

Me: Man, Loki must've built that.

Mongol Guy: Yeah, him or someone with brute force!

Me: Wow, Ghengis Kahn!

Then I was distracted when I saw one of my favorite writers.

Man speaking to other guys: …that's why religion is nothing more than a lie people believe in to be happy.

Me: Kurt Vonnegut! I loved your book!

Vonnegut: Get bent asswipe.

What a dick! I then walked into a debate on the nature of Hell, happiness, epistemology, and the universe.

David Hume: I can demonstrate that there is no Hell. Hell is obviously "supernatural." (The other philosophers nodded) However, the mass historical record tells us that there are only natural causes and states. Therefore, the chance that this supernatural is real is a mere one out of an infinity. Being that such a probability is essentially zero, it cannot be real.

Philosophers: Oh, wow! Hmmm…

John Dewey: I tend to think the whole issue is not important. What we should be discussing is how to improve Hell and what works towards that end.

Aristotle: Hmmm, very good.

Plato: No, the realm of truth must be contemplated. That's true happiness.

John Dewey: No, the truth is what works, there is no higher truth.

Plotinus: No! One can demonstrate how everything emanates from the One and all the workings of—

Socrates: Why?

Plotinus: Because it is only logical that this sphere emanated from the world sphere, emanating from the lunar sphere—

Socrates: Why?

Me: Is that all you say?

Socrates: Huh?

Me: Do you only ask questions?

Socrates: Why not?

Me: I thought you were this really great philosopher!

Socrates: Hmmm, and?

Plato: C'mon kid, he's a great philosopher. He taught me that the Truth can be discerned and demonstrated in its totality.

Plotinus, Aristotle, and Hume agreed while John Dewey looked indignant.

Socrates: I did?

Plato: Yeah, and—

Socrates: Heh?

John Dewey: He's just hard of hearing! Now, real wisdom comes from knowing the sum of the parts, not speculating the sum without knowing the parts.

Democritus: Yes! And what better way to do that than conceding that everything can be reduced to parts! Everything in existence is physical material. Matter is the only thing.

Albert Einstein: Not atomism again, there is also energy. Everything is composed of matter and energy.

Me: You're in Hell too?

Albert Einstein: Yeah, the Judge is a dick.

Philosophers: Yeah!

Plotinus: Damn the One that emanated this place! (shaking his fist)

Plato: No, we're speculating the Good, we could not be happier!

Democritus: Let's do something we all agree upon. Who's in the mood for a young adolescent!

Philosophers: Hmmmm, nice…

I started stepping backwards when all of the sudden I felt a hand tapping on my shoulder. I turned around and saw some pasty scrawny guy looking at me.

Skinny Guy: You know what the punishment the eggheads get when they think they know true happiness and the Truth in its totality?

Me: Why the hell should I listen to you?

Skinny Guy: Me man? I'm Hercules.

Me: You don't look that big!

Hercules: Okay, I lied about having muscles and having Zeus as my dad…Does that make me a bad guy?

Me: Hell no! Oh, I didn't know you were _the_ Hercules.

Hercules: Yeah, I get that all the time. Anyway, unlike those eggheads who aspire for nothing greater than themselves, I figured out the true way to be happy.

Me: How?

Hercules: _By finding the meaning of life!_

I was prepared to hear true wisdom.

Me: What's that?

Hercules: Fame! Yeah, I'm dead, but people will remember my name forever, even if I am really a wimp.

Me: That makes you happy?

Hercules: Hell yeah! Look at the shit-eating grin on my face. (points) Look! Just look at it!

Me: I guess you are happy. But, those guys over there are remembered forever too, even though they are eggheads.

Hercules: And that's what keeps me up at night, fucking bastards. Well, that and all we have to sleep on are these stadium seats (points)… Here, I'm just another number. God damn Judge!

Julius Caesar: Yeah, it's terrible (weeps), terrible! I have to share my fame with all these guys! What bullshit! And this skinny guy has cartoons made about him…what do I got? Nothing! (weeps)

Then all of the sudden I bumped into this guy who looked like bin Laden.

Arab Guy: Watch it kid!

Me: Hey, I already talked to you!

Arab Guy: You spoke to what Andalusian philosopher?

Me: Anda what?

Oops, some "Andalusian" Guy: I'm Ibn Rushd, I'm sure you heard of me. (looks at fingernails) I'm one of history's great philosophers…

Me: Ibba Roosh?

Ibn Rushd: Okay, does Averroes ring any bells?

Me: Is it supposed to?

Ibn Rushd: God damn it, no one since _1840_ has heard of me!

Me: Well, if you are such a great philosopher, can you help me with this question?

Ibn Rushd: Sure.

Me: How should I live life?

Ibn Rushd: By seeking the truth.

Me: How do I do that?

Ibn Rushd: Easy! The truth is not too difficult to discern for people like you.

Me: What do you mean "people like me?"

Ibn Rushd: Well, anything that is really true will not be too hard to understand. For example, we see a world with good and evil. This dick Al Ghazali claimed that we live in a world in which a better one is not possible. That's way too complicated. Then how come this place exists, right? The obvious answer God created good and evil.

Me: That makes sense, but how do you know there is a God?

Ibn Rushd: Look at your thumbs? Cool huh? It makes picking things up easy. You would need a god for that to happen.

Me: That's not very convincing…

Ibn Rushd: You believe in this new fangled "evolution" thing? Okay. Take the universe as a whole and how complicated it is and the order it possesses. You never walk past a char[iot—uh, I mean "car" and ever consider the possibility that it is randomly put itself together. It is obviously intelligently designed. Now look how complicated the universe is! How can't there not be a much greater intelligence, Allah the merciful?

Me: Is God so great we cannot fathom it?

Ibn Rushd: Well, unlike what that dick Al Ghazali thinks, we could fathom many things about God using logic. God cannot be illogical.

Me: How so? I thought God was powerful enough to do anything.

Ibn Rushd: Well, scripture states that Allah is all powerful, but Allah cannot be so powerful that He can make something too heavy to pick up. That would limit His power, thus God cannot contradict himself. Everything about God and existence can be reduced to the language of logic.

Arab guys nod.

Me: Who are these guys?

Ibn Rushd: Ibn Sina and Al Farabi. Anyway, you might wonder why I make more sense than those other philosophers…well, I have scripture as a guide.

Me: Well, scripture has been an adequate guide back then, but with what we know now, it is apparent that scripture contradicts itself and it is so antiquated today.

Ibn Sina: Come on now, you should know that you need to read scripture allegorically. Want some wine?

Me: No thanks.

Ibn Sina: More for me then…(Chugs wine)

Me: Isn't your religion pro-war?

Al Farabi: War is great, it encourages virtue! And scripture commands it!

Ibn Sina: Yes, it does not contradict scripture.

(pause)

Me: Whatever happened to that Al Ghazali guy?

Ibn Rushd: The Judge acted unjustly! I don't get it. It is logical that God's justice would follow what we know to be just! Instead, I was cast here while that dumbass is in heaven.

Me: Why is he so dumb?

Ibn Rushd: He thinks ultimately certain truths cannot be derived logically, that we lack the appropriate capacity.

Ibn Sina: What bullshit! IT MAKES ME FUCKING ANGRY!!!

I wasn't waiting for a bomb to go off, so I distanced myself from them. In my flight I ran right into a guy. At first, I was afraid, because Hell is a rough and tumble place after all…

Me: Whoa, I'm sorry! Sorry!

Man: Don't worry about it, all you need is love!

Me: Whoa, John Lennon. Why are you in Hell?

John Lennon: The Judge told me that I'm in Hell, because everyone thinks that my knowledge has thrust me into Heaven. What is with that? The system is shitty, most just people go to Hell. I did more good than bad, remember in the end it's not the love you take, but the love you make! I made more than I took, but imagine this: I'm in Hell anyway. There shouldn't be any religion. With it, we're all fucking screwed.

John Maynard Keynes: Yeah, I did more good than bad too. The only "bad" I did was enjoy the good things, like my hot ballerina wife!

Friedrich Engels: Tell me about it. I worked my whole life to help the disadvantaged working-class. Sure, I enjoyed the women and wine, but who doesn't? Regardless of my foibles, I tried to help so many people.

Me: Are you in Hell because you are a Communist? I mean, all I see around here are Communist bastards.

Mao and Pol Pot: Hey!

Stalin: Excuse me my good sir, but I take exception to that!

Me: Whoa, _Stalin_! I apologize. Anyway, do all Communists go to Hell?

Lenin: It is not fair. I mean, we worked so hard to remake the world!

Me: You seem like pretty nice guys.

Stalin: I'll be the first to admit I made some mistakes, but I tried to do the right thing.

Friedrich Engels: Yeah, and we wanted to enjoy life a little too. But life is all you have, why can't you enjoy some of the world's good things? If that's our crime, then consider us guilty.

Me: Where's Marx?

Friedrich Engels: Oh, Karl? The Judge permitted that sly dog to go to heaven. He was always austere, a family man, loyal to his wife. Really, he was a good guy. But, I think he wanted to trick God into thinking he was religious. When near the end of his life Karl was researching Russian history, he learned that Ivan IV became a monk at the end of his life. He told me that he, though for years he claimed not to believe in religion, feared God secretly and repented. Karl did not want to hurt the movement he thought would do so much good, so he only confided in me. Now I'm telling everyone! It's the hottest gossip!

Me: So you can just trick God by repenting?

Friedrich Engels: Apparently. Ivan the Terrible isn't here either.

Me: That ain't right!

Mao: The end justifies the means.

Communists: Amen!

Me: Whatever happened to that capitalist pig Adam Smith?

Friedrich Engels: Don't say that! He's a great guy and he's in heaven too! Something to do with never knowing a woman and being so charitable in secret…

Me: "Never knowing a what?" What do you mean? Was he gay?

Friedrich Engels: Adam Smith never shoved his dick into a vagina! Okay? And it would make no difference whether he was gay or not, homosexuality is not the deciding factor when you're judged. Anyway, Smith's _Theory of Moral Sentiments_ taken in conjunction with _Wealth of Nations_ is the very philosophic basis on which Communism rests.

Me: Okay, don't go all existential on me!

Confucius: No, it was not his asceticism that permitted his entrance to Heaven. It was his attention to duty.

Buddha: No, it was his denial of his desires! He had achieved nirvana.

Confucius: No, you are wrong! My system is flawless.

Buddha: No, I know all! I achieved nirvana so I would know.

Abraham Maslow: I agree with Buddha right here, Smith must have satisfied everything in his hierarchy of needs.

Confucius: If you are so right, then why are you in Hell?

Abraham Maslow: Man, the Judge's a dick. I know what I know is right, it's not my fault the system is stacked against me.

These guys were all so sure of themselves, but they all disagreed with each other. How could we know any one of them was right?

Me: Guys, can you consider the possibility that you cannot know everything there is? I mean, maybe humans are not fit to discern every truth?

Confucius: Blaspheme!

Abraham Maslow: What did I hear?

Cicero: Calm down guys, for this child is unaware of the importance of duties, self-control, and virtue. My young man (puts his hand on my shoulder), Smith was a man who would make the best even when on the rack. You can't cry over spilled milk, so they say. Why not embrace and make the best out of it? You'll gain fortitude and acquire the ability to actually make order out of the madness. In this way, you will find that nothing disheartens you and you will be prepared to make a difference. You can't just sit around and complain. Let nothing disappoint you and put all your efforts in improving the world you live in.

Me: You have made the most sense out of everyone I have heard here.

Epicurus: Oh come on, you can't temper the bad! Just worry about enjoying yourself. Politics is a waste of time! Those who know never get the opportunity to be involved.

Cicero: That doesn't mean we shouldn't try!

Me: Cicero, I really respect what you have to say. Can you tell me why you are in Hell?

Cicero: To be honest, I don't know or care that much. I don't let what is bad here to bother me. In fact, I enjoy the company and try to make things better around here. I even organize bi-yearly debates! We have a lot of fun!

Me: Whatever happened to Virgil?

Cicero: Just because I'm Roman you figure that I know all the other Romans? That's racist!

Me: No, no man, I didn't mean it like that!

Cicero: Oh, okay, I know everything about him! On his last days he apparently understood and seen God's eternal power and saw the work of the divine in everything he saw. He even forswore the gods, though those close to him took his new enthusiastic embrace of the divine as fervor for Apollo.

Me: But how did he go to Heaven without knowing God?

Cicero: As far as I know, we all have a divine spark within us and Virgil recognized the divine surrounding him. The Judge supposedly decreed, "For those who did not hear the law but by nature do the things in the law are a law onto themselves. The work of the law is written in their hearts and their conscience as their witness, they will be excused." Apparently, the Truth of God was made plain to him.

Me: Why is Virgil in heaven and not you?

Cicero: I was comfortable with what I know about the world and all things make sense to me. I always act upon the best information. Of course that got me killed, but hey, I tried my best. Virgil was not so confident in his abilities. In the end, seeing what was around him, he was humbled and trusted that he would come to know what he didn't before, and accepted whatever fate was allotted to him. That's not for me. I control my own fate by controlling how I perceive my own situation and directing my own efforts.

At this point I was just horribly confused. I have tried acquiring wisdom on my journeys. And self-control? How could abstaining from the things I enjoy fulfill me? My abstaining from food and sex on my journey did not give me any new high. In the end, it all just grew stale.

I was about to leave when Epicurus brought me aside and told me, "Hey kid. Don't beat yourself up over nothing. You have that blue armband. Eat, drink, and be merry with the women. Unlike most of us here, we cannot pursue any worthwhile politics. You have access to Loki! Mete out justice. Do what the rest of us can't. Just worry about making yourself happy."

This is what I wanted to hear most and it was the easiest to understand. I decided to return to Loki with Epicurus' advice in mind.

Chapter V: All Things Must Pass

Loki was happy that I returned and to my surprise he forgiven me rather quickly, treating me to veal for dinner. He showered me with every sort of gift and object you could imagine. I wanted to be happy, and Loki did not hesitate giving me anything that might make me so. I ate when I was not hungry, I had sex even when I did not crave it, I even began just crashing Lamborghinis for fun.

Loki: Whoa, that's a ten second quartuh mile.

Me: Watch…THIS! (slams right into side of castle and breaks through windshield)

Loki: Awesome, you totally totaled that cah [car! Yah Dad's gonna be so pissed!

Me: Ha ha!

It was Hell, I did not die for good and I believed I could take the pleasures I knew to the extreme and that this would finally make me happy. Nevertheless, the videogames, the cars, the music, the costumes…no matter how much I had, the thrill they seemed to give me became less and less. It all grew stale. I wanted more, because I knew there was more out there somewhere. Maybe I should do something constructive for once, I thought. All I did in Hell was take. Since getting everything I desired from Loki was not fulfilling me, I thought it was time for me to actually do something important. I had the ability to, as Epicurus had said. One dinner, I talked about this with Loki.

Me: Loki, I want to do something worthwhile. All I do is take from you.

Loki: It's ah-right man! I want you to have a good time!

Me: I am—I am having a good time, but everything is handed to me! I want to do something important; I want to do something for you. Maybe I should have a real job.

Loki: James, you have grown up a lot. I remembuh when you were just a little boy—

Me: Loki, it's Hell, no one ages here.

Loki: Oh, whateva, my memory is hazeh. Must be all that fuckin' papuhwuhk that I did today. It just nevuh ends. I'm beginnin' to break down.

Me: I can't believe I am saying this, but, how about I help you do the paperwork?

Loki: No offense man, but it takes a lot of skill to do my line of wuhk. Tell you what, how about you start punishin' the sinnuhs? I mean, ever since we have been behind our quota of quicksilver, people here have been havin' too good a time. Theuh [they're simply not enough Brownshirts and devils to take care of it all! Many hands makes light work 'n shit.

Me: I mean, I don't actually want to hurt people.

Loki: C'mon man, ya only in Hell once, you gotta soak it all in 'n shit. Fuck some chicks, cause some chaos, uh—punish some sinnuhs…see what's it's like at least. Othuhwise, you don't know what you're missin'! All you have in life ah [are your experiences, so, uh…experience them!

Me: You mean, I should go be a catalyst?

Loki: Yeah man, that's the spirit! You can't spell catalyst without cataclysm!

Me: Um…yeah. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong… God made Hell and God wants there to be justice! That means these people should be punished.

Loki: Shit James, you luhned [learned a lot in College! Yah['re finally startin' to get it. Might makes right, that's why I got all this might 'n stuff. Only if I can figure out this Rubik's cube…

Me: Move the green square over to the left twice and then move it back up.

Loki: Thanks man, yah the best! Oh yeah, take this cattle prod, show 'em who's boss. Look at them out there, look! HA HA HA HA! (Points at cows eating beef outside the window) I swear, I nevuh get tired of that, neva, ha ha!

After that conversation with Loki, I felt free to act as I pleased. I decided to take part in the punishments using the cattle throttle, rope, spears, swords—whatever weapons I could get my hands on. Nothing was held sacred. It was Hell after all! The people who surrounded me were worthless sinners. Know any of them long enough and you come to see there is not one shred of good in them. So why not get ahead at their expense before they do the same to me? Hell is a rough and tumble place, and if I was going to make anything out of it now that I was stuck here, I had to act like I've been here before, walk the walk. Literally, nothing was sacred.

This led me to seek out the rapists, the murderers, the pride lovers, the egoists, the liars, the thieves—I punished them. I didn't want to punish someone who was not a sinner, who was in my opinion not a bad person. However, it got to the point where I did not have to discern who was a sinner and who wasn't. They were all bad. So, I just started meting out punishment indiscriminately. This meant that even the Brownshirts were open game. They took punishment worse than anyone else. The higher up in the Brownshirt-rank, the more they deserved punishment and the worse they took it. At the time, I thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, I was liking it.

After a long day…

Loki: So how's the wuhk [work at the salt mines James?

Me: There's a salt shortage now?

Loki: C'mon, it's Hell, we don't got those sort of problems! How was the head bashin'?

Me: Oh, I really got some sinners good today, but Loki, I got a confession to make.

Loki: What is it my child?

Me: I know you need the Brownshirts to punish people, but they are rapists, murderers—they are sinners too. I have been punishing them.

Loki: That'll be a couple hail-Mary's—just kiddin' James, theuh assholes man, punish them all you want!

Me: Really, you don't mind?

Loki: No way man, watch this… (starts yelling) First Brownshirt heuh [here receives my ultimate favuh [favor!

Random Brownshirt #1: Reporting for duty sir!

Random Brownshirt #2: Me too!

Random Brownshirt #3: Don't forget me, I have served you well!

Loki: C'mon guys, I'll neva fuhget you!

Loki then picked them up and started chewing on them all at once. He then swallowed them.

Loki: It's gonna be an interestin' time on the shittuh tomorrow…

Me: Ha! Well, get this Loki. You have to see those guys in the Brownshirt Administration after they get flogged. They fucking freak. They think they have it all figured out! You have to see the look on their faces when you pull the rug from under them.

Loki: That's hilarious! Those pricks deserve it the most. If you didn't do it, I would eventualluh get to it after I finished most of this fuckin' papuhwuhk…I could just imagine those pusseh's cry.

Me: Loki, you could imagine things?

Loki: Huh? It's just a figyuh of speech, don't get all existential on me.

While I went about ransacking and destroying the Brownshirts' shelters, I eventually found out that the Strong Man had scaled up the Brownshirt Administration, got himself a house, and finally received the security he had always desired—a safe place to sleep at night. I knew it was only a matter of time Loki would take it all away from him, so I decided I might as well get a thrill out of it. My friends and I used to trash houses in parties, but we were drunk. I wanted to flat out ransack a house, see what it was like to turn everything over and hear objects shatter when I was sober. And why not the Strong Man? Sure, he was my friend and we shared a lot in common, I even confided in him, but he was a sinner like everyone else. Why should I have mercy on an adulterer, a drunk driver, a selfish bastard who is surrounded by people needing shelter and only cared about his own?

So, I approached his house and his face initially lit up when he saw me, but then as he looked at my face longer he soured.

Strong Man: James, are you okay? Are you on some sort of stuff?

I walked closer to him clutching a rope. He took a swing at me, but I evaded it and stunned him with the cattle prod Loki gave me earlier.

Strong Man: I knew it, you can never trust anyone here you—

I stunned him again. I then tied him up with the rope and proceeded to ransack his house. I took a look at his possessions wondering whether any were worth taking back with me—even though they were relatively nice, they were all worthless. I had no interest in these either. I just started getting tired with it all.

Meting out justice was not enough and neither were things. They grew stale fast. So, I tried reading and gaining wisdom…that didn't last long. So, I tried distracting myself with pleasures again. I ate, drank, and made merry, and the food was just as sweet and salty as it ever was, but in time I could not taste its saltiness. I was so tired of it, it was like as if it never had it. It no longer gave me any enjoyment. Caviar, king crab, just the same shit, different day. It became like eating the same food all the time and I was just tired of it. 

Loki: James, you haven't touched your Kobe Steak, what's wrong?

Me: I'm just tired of it. I had it a million times. I had _everything_ a million times. Don't you ever get tired of stuff?

Loki: No man, I don't get you sometimes. Stop bein' a whiney bitch 'n shit.

Me[Sigh You're right Loki, you're right.

Loki: I know what might cheer you up. Close your eyes.

Me: Is it just going to be cows eating beef again?

Loki; No, no, close you're eyes!

Me: Okay… (Loki picks me up and I can feel him sticking me out a window)

Loki: Open yah eyes…

Me: Cows!?!

Loki: Ha ha ha! My God, is there anythin' more ironic than that? I neva get tired of that! NEVA EVA!!!

Food just became hard to swallow and even sex lost its fun.

I mean, it became like masturbating. It was something you do, but it was no longer special like it was the first few times. When you expect to have something, and you have it, and you can have all you want of it, it loses everything that made it special. As hard as it might be for you to believe, if everyone owned a fast sports car, you would not feel quite as elated owning one. Having something scarce makes it better. And because it is scarce, we all want it, and we tell ourselves if we just had it, we would be fulfilled. The same even applied to sex for me. I had done every possible act, every possible combination, as many times as I pleased…but it lost all of its pleasure. I desired something more, something different, something I have not had or done before. In fact, I even indulged in homosexuality at this point. The freak deaky shit the demon-chicks did no longer cut it. And, it felt pretty good and it was new, but then it was just like everything else. I even tried masochism. It no longer stung. There must be something new, something I have not done, something that would fulfill my wants. There was one thing.

I looked around and saw these sinners engaging in sexual acts, raping, and hurting each other. Loki was indeed right, they were making Hell suck. I was disgusted with these people. These sinners deserved as much pain as they can fathom for their vileness. However, hurting people who deserved it gave me no real physical pleasure, just mental. I was brooding upon this for days, literally days in deep thought, thinking about how the stale pleasures made me grow weary. Then in the corner of my eye I saw the most beautiful woman I ever saw. She was a tall, but slender Asian that could have not been older than 19. She had perfect skin, large perky breasts, a great ass... She did not look like she was from my time, but I didn't care. So I approached her, and being used to this in Hell, she started walking away. I quickened my pace and she began running. At this point I broke into a sprint. I was able to grab her legs and tackle her. She then tried to gouge out my eyes.

Me: Stupid fucking bitch!

The Woman: No, no!

She started yelling as I was holding her down with one arm and tearing off her clothes with the other. I never felt so aroused in my life up to this point. This was just something else. I forced her legs open and pulled down my pants just enough, and just as I was about to go into her I bit one of her breasts and lifted my head to spit on her face. As I was about to go on with it, I saw her eyes, and for a second it made no difference to me. But then I was drawn into her brown eyes again and I lost myself in them. I saw fear staring back at me. Her eyes pierced my soul and suddenly I felt her hand fracture my dick. The physical pain allowed her to escape, but the mental anguish paralyzed me.

Me: What have I become? I have become this?

I tore off my blue armband and began crying.

Me: Everything, everything in Earth and Hell is nothing. It's meaningless. Meaningless! God, I deserve to be here. I am not like Paul. All I know are the worldly things. Have mercy on me, a sinner, as bad as any other. There is nothing I could do to repay my debts.

So I repented.

I returned to Loki's castle with shame, but I felt changed—a weight was taken of my shoulders now that I threw off the sins which arose from my desires and selfishness. I was finally beginning to realize that my obsession with ego ought to end.

Chapter VI: Let's Go to Heaven

Loki: What's up your ass James?

Me: Loki, I sort of feel like that Peter Tomarken guy. I no longer want these things here. I need and want something more.

Loki: Uh, him? He's not here anymore. James, I'm worryin' about ya. That sounds kinda gay.

Me: So Loki, how are you feeling?

Loki: Hmmm, I never think you ever asked me that. You know, unduh [under this red skin and if you get to know me from the inside, you get to know the real me…I feel awesome, shit couldn't be bettuh man! What a day to be alive!

Me: Yeah Loki, what a great day to be alive!

Loki: Yeah, but I have all this fuckin' papuhwuhk [work. This one fuckin' asshole is wastin' my time cuz he's not supposed to be heuh. God damn it!

Me: What happened?

Office-Devil: Oh, we were finally catching up on our paperwork when we found out that a one, Frank De los Santos, wasn't supposed to be here.

Me: From Jersey?

Office-Devil: Yes, he's a friend of yours? Go sit in on his meeting.

I walked in and saw Frank sitting in front of Loki. Frank gave me a quick nod and smile.

Loki: Hey, pay attention, uh, Frank...Often, well, uh…You see, the files that have everyone's deeds recorded are kept heuh. The Judge asks for the files, and he judges accordingly. But, sometimes, problems occuh [occur. Apparentleh, he received the wrong file for you…

Frank: Yes?

Loki: You see, we've made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh, let me extend our apolugehs for what occuhed. I promise, it'll neva happen again.

Frank: So that means I will be going to heaven?

Loki: Yes, you goody two-shoes, you don't belong heuh. Again, I am, uh…realleh sorreh about what occuhed.

Frank: Well, thank you so much. I would like to say it was nice knowing you, but that would be lying.

Loki: I know, I know.

Frank: Goodbye.

He then walked to me and we hugged each other, relieved to see that we were doing well. We walked outside of the castle, briefly looked at Hell as if it would be the last time we would ever see it. I started asking him how he felt about his time there.

Me: Aren't you as mad as hell that you had to be down here so long for no good reason?

Frank: Angry? I was never angry. Some things used to make me angry, but overall I don't hold grudges. I figured that I deserved my punishment, because I am a flawed guy…I had nothing to be angry about, because I deserved it. How did you feel?

Me: Well, I was never really punished, so I wouldn't know. Yet, I started feeling awful and empty like I did before on Earth. Nothing here was able to distract me from the fact that something in my life was missing and that all the things I did were not quenching my thirst.

Frank: Well, my family was poor for years. They worked, but saved all their money. So, that meant I did not get I-Pods like everyone else, and we didn't buy fancy TVs or cell phones with credit. My parents worked hard, even I got a job, until we were able to move out of the Bronx. Anyway, even though I had less things than everyone else, I didn't feel bad—I already had everything that I needed. Sure, a new gizmo would be nice, but you get used to it soon enough, and then tired of it. Then you need something new. You have to pursue the things that do not grow tiresome, the good things.

Me: That makes sense.

Frank: You guys laughed at me when I didn't go out to parties with you and instead went to church functions or spent time with my parents, cousins, or whatever. Yet, you guys could not party and fuck enough girls to satisfy your hunger. In fact, the more you had, the more you wanted, and the more miserable you were when you didn't have it.

Me: You're sounding like a priest!

Frank: Who cares what I sound like, who's going to heaven? You can't just think because something sounds corny and typical, that it is not important and worth contemplating and trying. You contemplate and try everything else, why don't you think about and try something that you know is good? Being good to your fellow man, charity, being a good brother, son, cousin, friend…These things never tire out and you know that they are right. Try being a good person instead of doing all these things that just revolve around yourself.

Me: Oh yeah, what did you end up doing on Mount Purgatory?

Frank: How did you know?

Me: It's not important.

Frank: Okay. Anyway, that was a strange experience. I was told to climb it, because heaven awaited. So, this devil grabbed me and threw me at the foot of the mountain. I looked up, and though it stretched as far as the eye can see into the sky, I figured it was finite. So, I started climbing. And I climbed for thousands of years. I reflected on the fact that I was too angry and unforgiving a person, and I hoped that my efforts spent scaling this rock would be a token of how sorry I really was. After a few thousand years as I was nearing the top I saw people yelling at the peak. "I fucking did all of this for nothing!" "I satisfied the challenge, now hold up to your end of the bargain!" "Fuck you God, fuck you Loki!" A wind either then blew them down, or they jumped. When I made it up, I saw that nothing occurred—it was a trick. There was nothing up there—I couldn't even see Hell in the distance because of the clouds. So, I just grinned and started climbing back down the mountain. No simple feat could pay back God for the wrongs I've done.

Me: Well, at least you learned things from your experiences. Yet, why are you so satisfied without going out there and knowing more? Why am I tortured by this feeling that I do not know enough or have enough experience? Why is it that when I try to find out who I really am, I just end up making more questions for myself and make myself more miserable?

Frank: James, where did you get this shallow idea that you have to _find_ who you really are? You already are who you really are. If you didn't like who you are, you would act differently. No one makes you who you are, but you.

Me: So, I just have to feel good about myself?

Frank: James, that self-esteem stuff from third grade is shit. "Feel good about yourself?" You shouldn't feel good about everything you do if you do shitty things. You should feel bad about the shitty things. We have all these intellectuals, teachers, and popular culture being really skeptical of religious dogma. They judge millennia old dogma while not seeing their own. Look at their fluffy worldview. "Feel good about _me_, all that's important is _me_, everything _I_ do is good." Life is not about just doing what feels good and makes you feel good about yourself.

Me: That's true, because I tried that here and all the things I did to make myself feel better just became stale and made me feel even more empty.

Frank: Precisely. And what fills the void then? You know God exists and that God has given you your life and everything there is. Why not be a little bit thankful? You are thankful to everyone who gives you the small things, but not to the One who gave you everything.

Me: How do I really know there's a God? I mean, this Ibn Rushd guy who I talked to had a point when he said that something had to create our intricate existence, but that leaves me hollow. There is so much more to understand.

Frank: You can't understand everything there is and don't try to. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down. I mean, you know it's not right to cheat on your girlfriend. Even if she didn't and never would find out, you feel and know in your gut it is wrong. Sure, you can try proving it one way or the other, but it is just a waste of time and it will torture your mind. Just accept that the things that feel wrong are wrong, and avoid doing them. So, if we have evidence there is a God, and feel that there must be one, and only through complicated argumentation can we prove or disprove it, and then prove or disprove it again—you get the point that inquiring more into the matter is useless. You must faithfully believe in God.

Me: Why do I need faith to come to realize God?

Frank: Because you need grace. The error of some of the greatest minds is that they have faith in their own intellect as if it were the be all end all. I am not saying that intellect is not useful. It sets us apart from the animals. We aren't like doggies that uncontrollably hump in the park. We can moderate ourselves. The intellect allows us to be stoic, just, and loving. However, it cannot reveal to us everything that is nor fill us with the fervor to carry out what sometimes even our intellects know is best…Our minds are not powerful enough to figure out some shit.

Me: What do you mean?

Frank: Our mind is like a scale. Sure, a scale could measure precious metals to the greatest degree of precision. The scale is built for that. However, we should not think because the scale is so good at measuring gold that it can tell us the weight of a mountain! The scale is simply not built to measure mountains. It is not within its capacity to do so.

Me: Who says there are mountains to measure?

Frank: Should the deaf question the existence of sound, because they never heard it?

Me: Why can't we over time refine our scale with our accumulated knowledge and build it better, and in time, learn to measure the mountains?

Frank: James, I can only stretch this metaphor so far! Let's just say the scale will never measure the mountain. We love to say that science and math are absolute proofs and that our increased knowledge over time will help us tackle the grandest of matters. Yet, science is full of assumptions. Newton's Laws appeared universal until Einstein. I'm not well versed enough in physics, but I am sure that Einstein is not the be all end all. What these men purported using the scientific method is true within the confines of their observations, postulates, and logic. However, we all know our insight is limited, and there are these grander mechanics to the universe—physical laws more accurate than the ones we have now. Taking this into account, science is limited merely because humans are the ones conducting the experiments. By our imperfections come imperfect postulates and observations, leading to imperfect perceptions of reality. We will always be working with that same gold scale, unable to find out the weight of the mountain.

Me: How do you know that what we have figured out is limited?

Frank: Because we have a process of truth-seeking that is flawed. Many will point at math as indisputable truth. Certainly, 2+2 4, can only equal 4, and that's that. It does not and cannot equal five. However, math is essentially an arbitrary set of rules. If you construct the rules of anything, and play within those rules, you can never break them. For example, let's look at the concept of time. It is 12:56 PM right now. If it is 12:56 PM, it cannot be 12:56 AM or 20:55. However, this is because we accept the artificial measurements for time. Why isn't it 100 o'clock? We invented time. The same is true of math. Society's had mathematics before zero, base ten, and etcetera were invented. Their math was not any less true than ours. It was true within their understanding of what math was, thus only true to an extent. Where does that leave us? Philosophy, science, and even math cannot actually tell us what is true. They can only tell us what is true within the rules we invented for them. Just like the time example. Our measurements of truth are limited by our finite intellects and the fact that they are only truth within the artificial confines we create. Thus, the truth we try to discern will always be flawed.

Me: Then, is nothing be real?

Frank: You couldn't ask that question if that were possible! Just because a scale can't measure a mountain, that doesn't make the mountain imaginary. The fact that you even try getting the scale around this thing somehow, anyhow, confirms the mountain is there. Yes, the fact we know we can't get the scale around it also shows that our intellects can never fully perceive it. Don't press this matter too greatly. The fact we keep modifying math, science, and epistemology is a testament to the fact we keep trying to get this scale around something, this big thing, but just can't. So, therefore, this big thing, it cannot be contemplated like everything else is. Do not try understanding it with the scale. Instead, ground yourself in faith.

The mystery, but certainty of those words calmed my inquisitiveness.

What Frank said made sense. I knew at that moment that I could not pay back those I have wronged. All I could do was turn away from all the bad things that we are surrounded by, even if so many claim that they are important. Fame, wealth, food, sex, power…can you ever have your fill? Do they ever satisfy your hunger and leave you nourished? Or do you only hunger for more? Look at the morbidly obese, the drug addicts, the rich…all they ever do is accumulate more girth, more highs, more wealth. They'll die before they are fulfilled. These pursuits are vain attempts to come to know the world instead of coming to know God and Its Truth. And to do this, you need faith.

Before he left, I asked Frank what heaven is like.

Frank: I don't know. You'd hear things that cannot be told and that no one can repeat.

Me: Speculate.

Frank: Well, if I could describe it, it would be like a big family whose love grows every time a new member arrives. You bounce around and every 40,000 years you get to hang out with Jesus. There, you can lift your head up and see God. The barrier between us and It is removed and we can come to know It and walk with It again.

After Frank told me encouraging words he bid me farewell with a smile. Then, I saw him rise up to the hellish sun in the horizon—Hell's smoky clouds parted. Frank ascended directly into it and my eyes were then directed toward the white light. My eyes filled with tears, struggling to deal with its intensity—the light became rainbows as it refracted through the tears into the colors of the spectrum. Then, I was blinded and could not see the light as it was too intense. I believed in my heart that I was not capable of seeing the light and I first muttered, but then loudly asked for God's help.

At that moment, God shed Its grace and the light permeated into my mind into pure whiteness. My heart changed its orientation and everything I knew before was no longer real, for the light was much greater than anything we could demonstrate or prove.

Existence is far greater than our perception. A man, born without sight, but having all his other senses can be tricked into believing there is no such thing as the visual world if no one told him so. Anyone who has not experienced the visual world is not fit to tell us what true sight is. Now, us in our arrogance claim that what we perceive with our mere five senses all there is. This experience has shown me a sixth sense. Even if you do not believe me, someone with no vision of the spiritual cannot discern the spiritual any more than a blind guide can tell you in which direction to go in order to avoid the fire pit—I apologize for that remark, I did spend a lot of time in Hell.

True, there are also many other things in Hell I did not touch on in this book. Countless events, countless stories, I cannot tell you them all. I only told you what was necessary for you to truly understand the reality of Hell instead of every little thing. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

Chapter VII: Wake Up Kid!

Suddenly, I woke up. I knew I wasn't in heaven. I saw white walls and a bunch of people around me. My vision was clearing, and my body started feeling again. I breathed, and I felt the air in the room. Now, I looked back at the people and I noticed my family. My mom, my dad, my brother, and my grandparents were watching me. They looked like they haven't changed a bit, I felt so lucky.

Me: Dad… Dad, where am I? Where am I?

Once everyone noticed that I was awake, they clamored and then rushed to hug and kiss me.

Dad: You're in the hospital, you're okay though.

Mom: I'm so glad you're okay!

I tried to move around, but I felt paralyzed.

Me: How hurt am I?

Dad: Don't worry about it; you are lucky to be alive. You should make a full recovery before you go to college.

Me: College?

Mom: Yes! We want you to pursue your dreams! You should enjoy every moment in your life.

Dad: We thought very hard and long about it the past couple of days…

Me: Wait! How long have I been dead, I mean, asleep for?

My Older Brother: You've only been in a coma for two days.

Mom: Two long days! (Crying)

Dad: I've thought very long and hard about it. I decided that you should do what you want and go to college. I'm sorry that I have been so tough on you, but I always wanted to provide you with a better life than I had.

Me: No, no dad.

Dad: I don't mean to rush you, but after a moment like this it is okay to want to take a break.

Mom: However long it needs to take!

Dad: Yeah, whatever you need.

Me: No, dad. I thought long and hard about it too.

Dad: You did?

My Older Brother: How the hell could you do that?

My dad cleared his throat and my brother almost looked startled.

Me: Yeah, I thought about what you said dad. I want to get a job as soon as I can.

Mom: You have to go through rehabilitation and think about it!

Me: I'll get better, I'll get back to work at Uncle Joseph's shop, and you know, figure it out.

Dad: Are you sure? You do not want to go to college anymore? Don't worry about me, I want you to do what you want to do.

Me: I am going to do what I want to do. You gave me a good idea, I'm just going to slow things down, and figure out what I really want to do with the rest of my life.

Dad: Whatever you want to do with your life, I [always will love you.

Me: I love you too dad.

He hugged me and I moved my hands into a hugging motion though I was in no condition to complete the action. He kissed my forehead and both of us cried. It was the first time in my life I have ever seen my dad cry, and never have I seen a sight so powerful on Earth. He worked so hard for me, and when push came to shove, he always supported me and always will. I am sorry for all the times I disappointed him, but that was behind us now. In a way, my old life ended and a new one began. Now, this is the first day of the rest of my life.

This sounds corny, but I spent time with my family during evenings instead of partying. We fought less and enjoyed our time together more. I helped people more often, like those who had car problems on the side of the road, opening doors for people, letting people in the supermarket take back their place in line after they left it, thinking that the clerk was opening another register…You know, simple things. I just felt like doing these things and for the first time, I felt like I was doing something right. In fact, I even started reading the house's dusty old Bible. My parents thought I was a little crazy, but they figured my coma was dramatic, so they let it slide. But I didn't. I tried putting into practice the things that it says, even if they seemed difficult and unwarranted. I turned the other cheek, I tried my best to be good to other people, and I found myself having much more meaningful relationships with everyone I knew.

On a different note, the catastrophic car accident that killed all my friends made me a local celebrity. The media wanted to report on me, they wanted to make memorials for me at the school, they even talked about naming the football field after me. Girls offered me sympathy fucks, people wanted to give me free food, teachers and townies even wanted to create a college scholarship in my honor…But I desired none of these things and I politely declined them. I no longer lusted for women, food, respect…I just strived to be a loving person. I now take to heart what Cicero told me, but recognized the need to aspire and hope for what was good more than he did. Most of all, it is what Frank taught me that resonated the most.

So as you can see, because I actually started following the supposedly horrible things that religions dictate after my coma, I felt a change operate in me. For once, I was not totally miserable, slave to my desires for every little thing. I felt free from them. My shoulders continued to feel lighter, my head was always held up higher. Those around me, my family and friends, were actually happier and our love grew. Some call this slavery to religion, but if not being addicted to every little thing you cannot attain is slavery, then give me my bonds! Slavery to righteousness is the only freedom God offers. In the end, we are not fit to be fully free, because look around you, anyone who thinks they can come up with their own morals for every situation they run to is the same guy you call a selfish prick behind her/his back. In the end, we submit to something. So, submit to the higher instead of the lower—the good instead of the bad. There is no in between. You strive to be good or you degenerate into selfishness.

Anyone, your teachers, professors, family, friends, they may tell you otherwise. Maybe I'm wrong and they are right, because I am not perfect. However, you only live once, so at least try to strive towards doing what is right and do not stop! Try associating yourself with the good and instead of the bad, learn from those which you know are genuinely just. Remember, Frank touched on this before. You tried everything else, at least try this! You've had faith in everything else, why not place you faith in this?

So please, even if you don't listen to me, even if my whole experience leaves a bad taste in your mouth and teaches you nothing, please just think about one thing. Are you really happy? Yes, no? What makes you happy? What is truly worth the most? It is always the things you cannot put a price tag on. Your friends, you family, your neighbors, your life—the fact that we have everything as opposed to nothing. You cannot put a price tag on these things. Why waste your time on things that are infinitely worth less than these? Be thankful for every moment, every person, and the reason why you are here to begin with, God's good grace.

So where am I now? I'm on my laptop, in my parents' backyard feeling the cool spring wind in my hair. In fact, as I write this now, I am looking at the expanse of the night sky. And I look at the lights, and I see their beauty, and I know that everything is good as my heart overfills with love as I look at majesty and beauty emanating from the stars.


End file.
